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February 12, 2020

Do I Expose an Engaged Sexter?

Hey, Bonita…

Dearest Bonita,

I'm in a pickle. Context: gay man, single for about a year after an ugly breakup. A couple months ago, I hit it off on a certain gay app with a guy whose profile was just a torso pic. A very attractive one, mind you. I didn't want to get catfished, so I gave him my Facebook and told him to add me on there. He said he didn't have one, but gave me his Snapchat instead. Over these past couple months, lots of mutual sexting has gone on. 

Then, things got sketchy. I saw a video on his Snap story of him sitting on a living room couch with some cute shirtless guy. I jokingly messaged to ask who the cutie was. He replied that it was his ex, but they're still friends. My bullshit meter went off. I created a burner Facebook and looked him up, and that guy is his fiance. They're ENGAGED. 

I honestly don't feel bad, because I was an ignorant party here, but now what do I do? The cheater in this case lied to me about his relationship status and actively tried to cover it up while sexting with me and talking about meeting up for an extended period. Should I tell his fiance? We have several mutual social media friends, so he would probably accept it if I sent him a friend request. 

I'm so conflicted. Do I dump the receipts on this guy's fiance and ruin his day and probably his year? On the other hand, I'd want to know if I were him. Or should I just block the cheater's ass and let the chips fall where they may?

Tell him you found out that he’s engaged, that you know who he is and that you and his fiance have tons of mutual friends on social media. You’re right—you’ve done nothing wrong here—but we live in a world that values monogamy to the point that we would rather villainize manipulated people than hold an actual cheater responsible. 

You could very well be treated like an interloper when you try to inform the fiance, so I recommend this: Make a fake email account, email the fiance all of the receipts that you can, and then delete that email account as soon as you know the message has been sent. Then, you’ve told the truth, but you don’t have a seat at the table with them, and whatever happens from that point is on the himbo responsible for torpedoing his future marriage.


Hey Bonita,

Gamer Girl here. I’m meeting my friend of over a year this weekend for the first time. All signs point to there being an emotional connection. However, they have made it very clear that we are “totally incompatible.” I’m a little worried that after we meet and have fun—assuming things don’t go south or there is a total disconnect—that I’m going to have feelings for them that might be hard to shake off. 

How can I better emotionally prepare myself to detach from possible outcomes, in addition to my daily mindful, meditative and dialectical practices? They have very clearly been trying to set up some emotional distance for a while now, but they have also been more vulnerable, and that distance has become shorter in the last month.

Thanks again,

Gamer Girl

Hey GG, 

It sounds like you’re describing someone who has picked up on your romantic feelings for them and is trying to mitigate any damage that might come from a more platonic approach to knowing you. Perhaps they are being more vulnerable and outgoing because this trip is about to happen. I mean, I certainly text my homies on the East Coast every day in the lead-up to a visit up north.

The best thing you can do is remember that romance and intimacy are a two-way street. You need another person’s enthusiastic participation to build the kind of intimacy that I think you want, and if they describe you two as “totally incompatible” in terms of a relationship, then the only thing you can do is accept that. It’s very tempting to try to plead your case and change their mind, but that can do more harm than good by making things so awkward that one of you decides to peace out on the friendship altogether. Mindfulness practices can be helpful by keeping you present when you’re hanging out with your friend, to keep you enjoying this person’s company instead of imagining “what if” scenarios that will bring you anxiety and dampen your good time.

Need advice? Email advice@flagpole.com, use the anonymous form at flagpole.com/getadvice, or find Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.

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