I read your response to Not Gay Enough, and was wondering what advice you'd have for me. I am the dumped side of a gay couple in a similar situation. I want to bring the exclusivity of the relationship back up, but I don't want to tempt fate and lose what we currently have.
In a Dumped Funk
I’ll tell you the same thing I told that guy (it was a guy, right?): Talk to your partner. Somebody has to be the first one to crack. It might as well be you. Just sit him (or her) down, explain things from your perspective, talk about what you are currently doing, and then say you don’t like it as much and you want things to go back to the way they were, or at least to go forward to a new normal, post stupid fight and breakup. Yes, you are taking a risk. You are putting yourself out there emotionally, and you may lose your partner for good. But you have already put yourself out there emotionally, so that shouldn’t stop you. And if you don’t try, then what exactly are you holding onto? A half-assed relationship that isn’t very satisfying, that’s what.
If you wanted a simple hookup, you could probably find one anywhere. How can you possibly just “hook up” with somebody you know that well? You can’t. There is no erasing the relationship, so you might as well just try to work it out. And frankly, if your choices are a) exactly what you want; or b) nothing at all, wouldn’t you rather just find out now? What is the point of dragging it out? That other shoe is gonna drop eventually, IADF. Just get it over with.
My girlfriend used to hook up with her friend. We started dating; she stopped; one time it happened again. I got over it. She still loves this dude, "like a brother," but I don't want him around. Am I obligated to have him over when we have dinner parties and put up with their "friend dates" or can I say that I find the whole thing a big pile o' shit?
Like a brother that she sleeps with, huh? Well, that’s an interesting view of family. You can say whatever you want, Anonymous, and it does have a rather ripe odor about it, but your girlfriend may not choose you over her friend. I think you have every right to ask her not to hang out with him, but before you try to put any limitations on this thing, ask yourself exactly what you are willing to put up with. If you tell her he can’t come to the house, does she still get to go on “friend dates” with him? Are they allowed to be alone together? I’m not suggesting that you have any actual say in the matter, but I assume that there will be some negotiation. Decide in advance what you can live with and be prepared for all possible answers. I don’t think you’re wrong, mind you. I’m just not sure your girlfriend and her friend are going to agree with me.
I used to have a thing for a friend of mine, but she hasn't paid much attention to me. We hang out, but she seems to toss drunken hookups at our other friends. The thing is, she started to flirt with me, and I saw it going somewhere, but I started dating a really great woman, instead, and my friend freaked out. I don't think it’s fair for her to want all of us to be available for her to mentally and physically mess with whenever she wants. The fact that I'm not pining away for her is freaking her out, and she keeps doing weird things to my girlfriend. My girlfriend doesn't know her outside of this situation, and I don't know how to deal with my friend being around my girlfriend or my girlfriend being around my friend. My friend is always single, so I don't think setting her up would be a good idea, and my girlfriend wants to just avoid the situation all together, but it’s all the friend talks
about—says I'm the one that got away and stuff like that. Do you think it'll fade with time, just like everything, or do I need to lay down some ground rules that everyone can abide by?
Not a Referee
I think it will fade with time, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t need to lay down some ground rules. Your girlfriend shouldn’t have to suffer because your so-called friend (I’ll have to trust you on that one, because asshole behavior is not something I normally tolerate from people that I consider friends) couldn’t make up her mind until it was too late. They say you always want what you can’t have, but I say immature douchebags always want what they can’t have. Your friend has more issues than an airport newsstand, and you should consider yourself lucky that she didn’t decide to hook up with you. Stick with your really great girlfriend, and tell your friend if she actually wants to remain your friend, then she has to grow the fuck up and knock off the drama. If she doesn’t, then I think your choice is pretty simple.
I don't have a question; I just want you to know you freakin' rock. Your advice is always spot-on and I love the way you treat same-sex relationships like any other.
Yours Truly, Another Fully Vaccinated Feminist
P.S. F that stupid girl
Thanks, AFVF. I treat same-sex relationships like straight relationships because they are like straight relationships—I mean, aside from the whole “marriage legally recognized in all 50 states” thing. Some are good, some are bad, and many are very complicated. The good news is, more and more people are starting to realize that, and before long I think even the staunchest nutjobs are going to wonder what all the fuss was about. Rock on, sister.
P.S. Not with a stolen V.