December 13, 2017

Sex-Life and Service-Industry Struggles

Hey, Bonita…

Dear Bonita,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and living together for one. We love each other very much, but we only have sex a few times a month, and it’s been REALLY frustrating for me. Last winter, when he was stressed about school and work, we had sex once a month. I’m tired of bringing this issue up to him, mainly because he gets upset and stressed out whenever I do (which then makes him want to have sex less, and then I get more upset, and it becomes this awkward, dumb cycle). We have a great life together otherwise, and I don’t want sex to be some obligatory chore. But why won’t he bang me more than once a week? He says that he’s trying and thinks he’s doing better—but I don’t agree, hence this plea for help.

The rejection makes me feel unattractive, and incidentally, I feel less attracted to him. At this point, it's more like he's my best friend and roommate. How do we keep our relationship from slowly withering away?

P.S. Let me know if there's more information you need. I tried to keep it as brief as possible.

P.P.S. My therapist thinks he's a good "Athens boyfriend" but probably not a "real world" boyfriend. Maybe his bias/judgment is skewing my view on the relationship?

P.P.P.S. I can't think of a good pseudonym.

Hey P.P.P.S.,

Has this always been the case for you two, or is this a recent development? I’d be alarmed if you were used to mating like bunnies up until a few months ago. That could be a red flag for all kinds of things that I’d need more information on. Then again, if he’s always had a fairly mild sex drive, you might just need to accept that your boo isn’t as lusty as you are. Perhaps you’re just not well-matched in that particular way. His reaction when you voice your concerns makes me wonder if he feels just plain old pressured to put out, and hey, grrl—that ain’t OK. He is who he is, and his libido is perfect because it is his own.

What to do, though? Hm. You’ve been rocking with him now for two years, and you don’t have any other complaints, and I’ve never thought of a slight difference in libido as a reason to end a relationship. I hope you have toys, videos and other accoutrements that can keep you satiated when he’s not feeling randy, and don’t feel like you’re settling or anything when it’s time for solo fun. Couples are able to have healthy sex lives when they have strong and individual senses of their sexual selves. If you can’t love yourself, so to speak, how the hell can you love anyone else?

I work at a restaurant, and working there is a pleasure, except for one manager. She is vindictive, petty and cruel. She's burned bridges with every single person there, kitchen and waitstaff. The owner knows the stunts she's pulled, yet she still has her job. One time she came into the restaurant after-hours after going out, had a party that involved using the bar for her and her friends, doing coke and passing out in a booth while the restaurant sat unlocked and trashed. She even had underaged employees with her. The owner didn't even fire her for this. How do I handle working there? At what point do I have to find something else? I love the people I work with and don't want to leave, but working under a toxic manager is awful.

Wow. Quit right now.

You do not have to tolerate treatment like that in a town with such a huge service industry. You could easily find a new job, and without their reference. When vetting a person for employment, most restaurant managers aren’t gonna bother with calling up every place on your resume to verify your employment or dig up dirt (not to mention that legally, there is only so much info they can share about your employment history). Just use another coworker from that job as a reference and not the offending manager, someone you know is cool and won’t throw you under the bus when a potential employer calls.

Need advice? Email, use our anonymous form, or find Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.