May 31, 2017

How Do I Get My Groove Back?

Hey, Bonita…

Dear Bonita,

I'm a young woman, and my sex drive is pretty much dead. I'm active socially, and used to be sexually, but I don’t feel the desire to have sex like I used to. I've dealt with some stressful stuff lately. I don't want to be specific, but the past couple of years have been hard on me, and it's really having an effect on my desire for intimacy. I want to be dating and getting laid, but I just feel no motivation to do either. Any suggestions on how I might break out of my malaise and find a man?

You're already making progress by pinpointing the cause, which sounds like general stress and anxiety. Is there more that you can do to lessen the causes of this stress? (Therapy, doctors, prescriptions, et al.) If it's been a couple years of bad news, I worry you've fallen into the rhythm of being bored and doing nothing. You might desire sex and dating, but malaise has become your default—a comfortable place to be.

Perhaps it's time to really push yourself out of your comfort zone and make a move on someone. If you lose interest and change your mind, let that person know you've got stuff to deal with, and your decision has nothing to do with him. If that feels completely unnatural, continue to wait. It's important not to push yourself into intimate situations, because often the desired effect is much less than the price you pay. Just take it easy, and go out on a limb once you feel comfortable making a move.

I love road trips, and schedule a few every summer for me and my friends. We have a lot of fun and make tons of memories, and pretty soon we're gonna be driving all the way to New Orleans. This will be our longest trip together yet, and we're actually gonna have a caravan of three vehicles. I can't wait!

Here's the catch, though. We've got one friend who rarely comes along but wants to join us for this trip, and this man is a nightmare on the road! He has a bunch of issues with his knees and hips, so he's very demanding about where he sits and how often we stop. He takes forever in the bathroom, or in any gas station just walking around and looking at stuff. He only wants to listen to boring podcasts or genres of music that I hate, and he's really bossy and demanding about the radio.

He's not nice to service industry people, and often bullies servers and gas station clerks. He knows that if he makes enough of a stink most management will give him something for free in the name of “customer service,” and he has a lot of fun weaseling undeserved goods and services out of terrified employees. He pretty much embarrasses us everywhere we go on the road, but he's plenty of fun once we reach our destination.

I don't want him in my car. I don't want him on the trip at all! I told his fiancee that they should just ride together alone, and she got pretty pissed. She knows he's a handful, but now they're both insulted that I don't wanna ride with them. NO ONE wants to ride with them! How can I talk to them about this without losing two friends?

You sound like an adult, and this guy sounds childish as hell. I don't think he should be judged for his disabilities or pain issues, but harassing gas station attendees and making everyone wait while he putzes around a Flying J is inconsiderate. No one likes anyone pulling rank over the radio on a road trip, either. This isn't understandable, forgivable behavior.

Honestly, this guy sounds like a butthole, and you shouldn't have to travel with him or his fiancee if you don't want to. They should be mature enough to understand that his travel needs are too specific for him to carpool with y'all and still keep everyone on schedule and in good spirits. Simply put, they need to take their own car or stay home.

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