COLORBEARER OF ATHENS, GEORGIA LOCALLY OWNED SINCE 1987
March 8, 2017

My Neighbor Sent Me a Pic of His Pickle

Hey, Bonita…

Dear Bonita,

I'm in a pickle that involves an actual pickle. And not my husband's pickle.

Don't panic! I've not cheated, ever, and we're going 15 years strong. Thing is, I got a Facebook message a few weeks ago from a neighbor. He and his wife are great friends of my husband and me, and they seem really solid and happy, so I was obviously puzzled when I opened my messages to find a photo of this man's pickle sitting there.

I was too shocked to respond for a while, but I finally asked him what it was about. He said it was a mistake, that he was supposed to be sending it to his wife, he was so sorry and was too embarrassed by it all to speak up when he realized his gaffe. I get it, and it really did seem so embarrassing for him that I just dropped it and agreed not to mention it to his wife/my very good friend.

Fast forward to this past weekend. I get another message alert from him, and sure enough, there's another photo of his willy. It's a different photo, too, and let's just say that he seemed much more excited to have this particular photo taken than the last one he “accidentally” sent me. I put that in quotes because when I let him know he'd made the same mistake again, he didn't apologize at all and instead said that he hoped I liked this one.

I see now that he is trying to make moves on me, and I feel too disgusted and disappointed to even respond. I haven't seen the couple lately, so that helps, but we move around the same circles, and I know we'll all run into each other eventually. I'm really pissed at this man for thinking I'd cheat on my husband, and for putting me in this awful position with his wife. Our kids are the same age, and I'm so terrified of facing her on the playground.

I didn't do anything, but I feel awful somehow, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to move forward with this guy. Should I confront him? Should I tell his wife?

Sincerely,

I Really Don't Like Pickles

Hi Mrs. Pickle,

I don't envy you at all, because there's no easy way to go forward from this. You seem to have some moral character when it comes to fidelity and commitments—hence your nameless guilt for even being on the radar of a philandering husband. You're disgusted and disappointed, and his wife will probably be, as well—when you tell her.

You’ve gotta tell her. We can all see through that first “mistake,” because everyone knows that people in relationships sext and send nudes to each other on their phones, not over social-media messaging apps. This guy is a cheater, and not even a good one. My bet is he's probably got a history of infidelity, if he's not even searching that far from home for someone to cheat with. You're his neighbor and his friend. I mean, this guy either has tremendously huge balls or absolutely no respect for his wife.

If you don't tell her, he'll just continue to “accidentally” send pictures of his junk to family friends until one woman reaches for his (literally) low-hanging fruit, and then his wife will have to deal with an actual mistress, too, not just a husband who's violating their monogamous agreement.

I also worry that a cheeky idiot like this will interpret your silence as “playing hard to get,” and I believe in speaking your truth to those who project labels onto us. In your own interest, it's important that you state plainly to this guy that you are not interested in having an affair with him. You don't have to put him on blast to the entire neighborhood, either. You can just send his wife unedited screenshots, and let that be that.

Need advice? Email advice@flagpole.com, use our anonymous form, or find Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.

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