COLORBEARER OF ATHENS, GEORGIA LOCALLY OWNED SINCE 1987
October 26, 2016

He's Trying to Take My BFF Away

Hey, Bonita…

Dear Bonita,

My best friend and I have known each other since we were little girls, and we've always been inseparable. We even went to the same college (UGA) and had the same major. We both have other friends, but we're BFFs to each other first, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

But she started dating this guy recently who takes up a lot of her time—like way more than the ones in the past. She's always wanting to hang out with him or have him join us for our nights out, and he's a real third wheel. He's nothing like me (or us!), and I just can't think of a single thing to say to him most of the time. She really seems to like him, though, and that bothers me. I feel our friendship changing in a way that I can't really describe, but I know I don't like it.

Simply put, he's a redneck, and I think he wants to make my friend into a trophy wife. I miss her so much already, but the idea of her marrying this guy is too much! She hasn't said that she's gonna marry him, but I know she really likes him, and it doesn't seem outside of the realm of possibility. I want my friend back, Bonita! How do I manage this?

Sincerely,

Best Friend Forgotten

BFF,

Welcome to adulthood, friend. One of the toughest parts of growing up is letting your relationships mature as well. It's natural for them to change as we age, and the discomfort of that can get very real. For instance, I don't even talk to my BFF from high school anymore, but today I am great friends with kids who were only on the periphery of my grade-school experience. Friendships change, but that doesn't always mean growing closer.

You seem really threatened by this guy, but he's not the real threat here, is he? You don't want to lose the attention and adoration of your best friend. It means a lot to you, and perhaps too much. You two were obviously peas in a pod in all through grade school, and you've held on tightly to that throughout university, but I think it's time to start making plans for yourself that don't revolve around maintaining one single friendship. Your best friend is growing up and getting ready for life as an independent woman, and you need to, too.

People come and go in our lives, and that's why you can't bank on the attention of a single person to get you through life. Make a life for yourself and let your friends be part of it, but not ALL of it. I'm sure you and your BFF will always be besties, but maybe not exactly in the way you are now.


I had sex with one of my best pals. We're both guys, though, and both very new to this. It was a month ago, and we've hooked up again since then (drunk and after the bar), but we haven't talked about it, and I'm starting to get kinda confused. Don't get me wrong—it's fun, and I like it. I just wish I understood what was going on. Feel free to share your insights! Thanks!
You're “both very new to this,” eh? You sure? Because the sex seems to have gone off without a hitch, not to mention that you've been making it happen again—albeit drunkenly—since then. I point that out because you're kinda acting like it was this whole spontaneous happening, when we all know sex really doesn't work that way.

I think you and your homie have been hot for each other for a while, and it all came to fruition last month. It seems we're dealing with some internalized homophobia, too, since you're just doing this thing after the bar and not in a way where you have to face this behavior and deal with it.

In this modern world, most people accept that sexuality is fluid. I very firmly believe in that for myself. Be careful with drunk sex, because it makes us clumsy and blurs the lines of consent. Be kind to your buddy, and eventually talk this out with him. There are probably some feelings there. You might be talking to your future husband.

Need advice? Email advice@flagpole.com, use our anonymous form, or find Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.

comments