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October 5, 2016

This Guy Won't Leave Me Alone

Hey, Bonita…

Hey Bonita,

There's a guy with a crush on me who won't leave me alone! It's been months, and he still won't take no for an answer. He gives me little gifts all the time, randomly buys me drinks when we're out at the same bar and is all over my Facebook comments.

Help! He's never done anything creepy or dangerous, so that's not my concern, but it's getting to the point where I can't take this anymore. I just wanna be left alone and be able to enjoy my evenings out without this adorable but overbearing doofus seeking me out and buying me overpriced IPAs.

I'm starting to find this more annoying than endearing. How do I get rid of this guy without coming across as a super bitch?

Sincerely,

Never Gonna Happen

Oh crap, the never-ending crush. I've had one of those. Hell, I've been one of those—not the proudest moment of my college career. What worked for me was when he finally sat down with me and told me very bluntly that he only thought of me as a friend and was not attracted to me in that way. I must ask you, have you ever done that? Some folks really do need the writing on the wall.

If you've told him before that you're not interested, but he's still going for it like a nerd in a romantic comedy, that's a problem. You can't squeeze a “yes” out of a woman who's already told you “no.” He obviously doesn't get that. I'm glad he's never done anything dangerous, but you still have the right to enjoy a night on the town without the added stress of having to tend to an unwanted suitor. It sucks to have one person monopolizing your time when you wanna be social, not to mention that having a guy fawn over you in public can cause other potential suitors to shy away. This guy needs a lesson in boundaries.

I think it's gonna take sitting him down and telling him there's no chance, but if you've done that, you’ve gotta add more conditions. I'd also instruct him to stop buying you gifts and drinks, and to stop blowing up your social media. It'll definitely come across as harsh, but I'm worried he thinks this is some sort of game when it's most certainly not.


My partner and I are currently on a break after years of a pretty good relationship. It all started when he got close to a new co-worker, and it all just fell apart from there. Nothing ever happened between them, but just trying to talk to him about it got so messy that we decided not to date for a while. He thinks I'm too jealous, and I say he can't talk without getting defensive. It’s been a few days, and I really miss him, and I'm starting to think I probably did overreact to him being friends with another girl. What do you think?

I agree it’s pretty extreme for two people who have been dating for years to break up over a new friend coming into the mix, but it doesn't sound like that's why you're on a break. To me, it seems more like the breakdown in communication was so great that you two need to take a break from talking. Committed men can have female friends and vice versa, of course, but they should also be able to talk to their years-long partner about it and not get so defensive that you decide to split up in the end. That's a very intense response to a pretty common happening in relationships.

Is cheating something you have accused him of in the past? Either something actually did happen between him and his co-worker (hence his defensiveness), or he just exploded after years of you looking at him and his friends suspiciously. You both need to evolve in the way you talk to each other, and if you've been badgering him about his lady friends for years, stop it and trust your partner.

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