I have four really awesome roommates. I’ve always been hot for one of my roommates, and a few months ago he finally returned my interest and we hooked up. Everything was hunky dory for about three weeks, but now he’s telling me that he just wants to be my friend.
The thing, though, is that we still sleep together almost every night. I go down to his room to hang out, and we always end up in bed together. He’s got a girlfriend, and she comes over pretty regularly. He told me that she knows about our hookup last year, but judging from the way she acts around me, I just can’t believe that she knows that we’re still having sex. She’s way too nice.
I get really upset when she spends the night with him, and I tell him all the time that it’s either me or her, but he just says that we’re friends. I ask him why he still has sex with me, then, and he doesn’t respond. I feel like a real piece of shit over this, and I don’t like being the other woman. I don’t hang out as much anymore with my roommates, and I miss them. It’s so hard to deal with, because I live with this guy and have nowhere else to go. Why is he doing me this way?
The Other Woman
He’s doing you “this way” because you are letting him. He’s made it pretty clear what his intentions are with you, yet you continue to go to his room at night to “hang out” and end up in bed with him. Why? Do you think that one day he will have a change of heart and buy a cow that gives its milk away for free? You rightfully ask him why he’s still ostensibly monogamous with his girlfriend while also sleeping with you, and he clams up because the answer is something you definitely do not want to hear: “Because you let me. It’s free.”
This is not responsible non-monogamy. This is just another cheater doing his thang. This guy is an opportunist. He probably does care about you as a friend, but he’s got a willing vagina within his reach—right upstairs, even!—so he’s gonna take what he can get. He’s pussy-rich right now, and believe me, he’s not going to do anything to jeopardize that. As long as you’ll have sex with him, he’ll have sex with you, regardless of his relationship status.
You’re emotionally invested in someone who isn’t returning those feelings, and it’s only going to hurt you more and more. Your ultimatums don’t hit home for him because he doesn’t care about your feelings or well-being that much—you’re the other woman, remember, not his girlfriend. Cut him off in every way and look for a new place to live.
I ended up missing a good friend’s baby shower because I had to move to a city about four hours away. At first she said, “It’s OK, just buy me something really nice off of my baby registry,” but now she’s really mad at me and won’t return my texts or phone calls. So I’m looking on her registry right now and everything is so expensive! I’d rather give her something handmade and just for her, but I know she wouldn’t appreciate that as much as an overpriced baby blanket. She thinks homemade gifts are for the lazy and the cheap.
I don’t want her to be mad at me forever, but I really can’t afford the things she’s asking for. Should I give her a homemade thing anyway and risk her never speaking to me again, or should I pawn some of my stuff just to get back on her good side?
A real friend would not make you choose between baby detritus and your security deposit. Explain your financial situation to her, and remind her that you’re her friend, you love her, and those two things are not contingent on the amount of money you spend on her. She should understand that, and if not, I’d say you’re better off without a greedy person like that in your life.
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