Folks, this week's Threats & Promises is gonna be straight to the point. I've no time for messing around. As if you care, I am in the midst of quite possibly the worst week of my entire life right now. And if you see me, say hello, but dear God, don't ask me to explain. Let's jump into the fire...

Skateboarding Is Not A Crime. Unless, Of Course, It's Illegal: The benefit projects for Skate Park of Athens are occurring at a pretty quick clip nowadays and anyone interested would be greatly edified by attending some of them. SPOA has announced that the boards (originally designed skateboard decks) for its art auction benefit have been put up at The Globe for all to view.

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This show will run until March 21, the day of the actual auction. Dromedary will play live also so at least you get some tunes to listen to in case you can't afford a winning bid. If you don't wanna wait to support the cause, you can head down to the fabulous 40 Watt on Saturday, March 6, to catch the SPOA benefit show by Aqualove and Tenderness. Then you can shake what your mama gave you to the Krush Girls in a late-night drunken fit. Saturday, March 13, will see another SPOA benefit show over at Tasty World featuring Polemic, Tractor Neck and Space Voyage Ahem. Also, if you can't afford to go around bidding on skateboards you can probably afford to plunk down a few bucks for the first SPOA benefit CD, featuring Carrie Nations, The High Caliber, 3 O'Clock Sandbox, Sci Fu, Jucifer, Geoff Reacher, Donkey Punch, Ceramic Duck, Another Broken Vehicle, Let's Surf, Commander Chameleon and Community Chaos. The album's drop will be celebrated with release shows at Tasty World on Tuesday, March 30, and Wednesday, March 31. There's even more stuff happening in April and May but I'll hold off on that for now. Don't wanna fill your plate too quickly. This is a really good cause, folks, and I wish these guys all the luck in the world. For more information on how to help please write jason@thrasherphoto.com.

A Fair Alternative To Jumping Off Balconies And Such: If you are going to head down to South Florida for Spring Break this year, and I know a good amount of you are, you can pass some quality drinking time at The Langerado Music Festival in Hollywood. Screezed in amongst forgettable dreck like Moe. and Cake, Athens music fans can see Athens artists (and Athens-associated artists) like The Drive-By Truckers, Sound Tribe Sector Nine and Cracker. This all happens on Saturday, March 6, so you'll have to get yer butt down there quick if you don't want to miss any of it. Advance tickets are a pretty reasonable $32.50, which breaks down to only $1.62 per band! Hell, at these prices they're practically giving bands away! At any rate, pack up your sunscreen and your D.U.I. self-test and point your browser over to www.langerado.com to buy tickets, gather info and all the usual stuff. Cowabunga, dude.

See What happens When You Get Your News In?: The pop maestros in Atlanta band Corsair are gearing up for their record release show in Atlanta to celebrate the, um, release of their self-titled debut album [see Record Reviews]. The album was first available a couple weeks ago,

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but we all know how these things have to be just perfectly timed, and this is when they're having their CD release party. At any rate, the band has reportedly already been selling copies in places as far away as Geneva, Switzerland via CD Baby (the on-line merchant that many bands use.) The show will go down on March 13 at Atlanta's 10 High Club located in the heart of the once navigable Virginia-Highlands area. You want MP3s? Well get 'em, and more, over at www.corsairband.com.

Michael Stipe, Despite The Hype, I Think We Should Meet And Share A Pipe: I found a pretty good article in the oddest of places this month. In the February 2004 issue of New York's Warhol-founded magazine Interview, R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe conducts a fairly long interview with child star turned has-been turned adult star Macaulay Culkin. Stipe is engaging, his questions thoughtful. Most of the time this whole famous-person-interviewing-a-famous-person thing winds up being a carnival of pointlessness, but y'all really might enjoy checking this one out.

Pumpkin Pie, All Around: On Saturday, March 6, local duo The Divine Maggees will perform a benefit concert at the Healing Arts Centre. Proceeds raised will benefit the Pumpkin House Orphanage project. The Pumpkin House is a proposed residence for abandoned and orphaned children to be located in Meherabad, India, about 150 miles east of Mumbai. Recently relocated to Athens from Maine, The Divine Maggees (guitarist/singer Danielle Tibedo and fiddler/singer Cregan Montague) play a soulful folk infused with eclectic influences - and a hint of joy. For more information on the event and on Pumpkin House, swing by www.pumpkinhouse.org. [Chris Hassiotis]

And we're out for this week. As always get your news in early, often and reference me or Threats & Promises in your email subject lines. Send Chingy CDs and other bling bling via email to music@flagpole.com, voicemail at 549-2360; or by post at P.O. Box 1027, Athens, GA 30603.

Gordon Lamb