Another week, a few dollars poorer and all that junk. But as surely as the sun will rise every day here I am again to lay the facts bare for y'all. I beseech you to use this information wisely before you render your verdict. You will now be sequestered...

Blame Canada: Things have been somewhat quiet over the past few months in the camp of local pop superstars Of Montreal. But you can kind of always suspect that when things are too quiet, there's probably something brewing in the background. Such is the case here.

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As one of the many bands that was forced to find a new home after the demise of local label Kindercore Records, Of Montreal has taken up with Champaign, IL label Polyvinyl Records. The album Satanic Panic In The Attic was originally conceived as a "solo" record to be entirely performed by band frontman Kevin Barnes. As it turns out, most of Of Montreal contributed to this recording and, as such, it's not exactly a solo enterprise. It's no overstatement to say the bandmembers have worked their asses off for a hell of a long time now, and this can be evidenced by the fact that I have four different release dates for all you world travelers out there. The aforementioned album will be released in Australia and Japan in March, The United States in April and the U.K. in May. If you opt to stay at home and purchase the record, there will be a limited edition colored-vinyl LP version that comes with a bonus 7" record and a bonus CD if you purchase the CD version. In addition to all this, Of Montreal will tour the States for six weeks beginning in April. Sweet baby Jesus, that's a lot of news. If you honestly think you could learn more on all this, please see www.ofmontreal.com.

Talk About A Damn Lingering Lead!: Athens' longest-running jam band, for lack of a better term, Widespread Panic, turns 18 years old this month. Back in February 1986, the band made its debut at Athens venue The Mad Hatter (R.I.P.) and everything went downhill from there. As you know I like to rag on their fans a good amount here in these pages, but let this be known loud and clear: Widespread Panic are some of the nicest, most hardworking guys (outside of R.E.M.) to have ever come out of this little town and they do nothing but add another reason to be proud to live here. So enough playing kissy-face. Here's some more Spread news. You can now download their most recent New Year's Eve shows over at the site that rendered Napster irrelevant, www.itunes.com. Also, the bandmembers are getting ready to bust a move with various side projects, considering that Widespread proper is taking all of 2004 off. For more information please see www.widespreadpanic.com.

Swing Away: The Artie Ball Swing Band announces the release of their debut album and DVD. Both were recorded live at Watkinsville's Sanctuary on November 14, 2003.

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The audio for Sanctified was recorded by Drew Spitzmueller (Redcorn Audio) and mastered by Dave Oldaker at The Hideout. The film was recorded and edited by Safi Kheshgi of Lotus Eaters. The band appears Friday, Feb. 20, on the "It's Friday" show on WUGA 91.7 FM from 4 p.m. to 5 p.m. The DVD release party goes down on Saturday, Feb. 21, at the Sanctuary. Heather Hennenburg opens the show at 8:30 p.m., but show up around 7 p.m. for dance lessons. More over at www.artieball.com. [Chris Hassiotis]

Just Keep That Phungus Away From My Biscuits: Word has recently come in that Dust Bunny Records has re-released a live album by local artists Parakeet Nelson and the unfortunate Phallic Phungus. The album 100% Frische was recorded at the Georgia Theatre and the fabulous 40 Watt. The original release sold out and I, for one, am not surprised. After all, just imagine folks lining the streets to purchase something by a group that essentially named themselves "Dick Mold." I bet their mothers were proud, too. Parakeet Nelson also wishes to thank all their fans who purchased their latest studio album Risky Biscuits. At any rate, if you wanna know more about all this and how to prevent it, visit www.parakeetnelson.com.

I Had Some Dreams, But They Were Clouds In My Coffee: Some very, very cool news is what I'm about to give you. The two proper studio albums by Athens-via-Ruston, LA psychedelic/ pop-rock The Olivia Tremor Control are back in our sights. Their debut album, Dusk At Cubist Castle, is already in stores and March will see the re-release of the band's sophomore effort Black Foliage. The re-release of Dusk At Cubist Castle has already proven wildly successful, as it has debuted at number 3 on the CMJ charts and is reportedly selling like water in the desert. Both re-releases are being manufactured and marketed by the band's own label, Cloud Recordings. Cloud is also home to the band that rose phoenix-like from the ashes of OTC, the beautiful and mesmerizing Circulatory System (which performs at this Friday's X-Ray Café benefit at the 40 Watt). For more information and a bunch of other cool junk, check out www.cloudrecordings.com.

We're So Pretty! Pretty Vacant!: Have any of y'all seen the newest thing to hit the streets here in Athens? Ever since the demise of the Athens Banner-Herald-owned "Classic City Live" (or as I always called it "Classic Shitty Jive") this town has been without anything that could reasonably be called a rumor-mill-publication. But now we have Hush-Hush, a new zine to hit the streets, and damn it's hilarious. The thing bills itself as "Athens' premiere celeb, gossip and style mag!" and I'd be hard-pressed to disagree. The first issue alone features "on-the-scene" snapshots of local tastemakers Todd Bak, Amy Dykes, Josh Lott, Madeline Adams, Dan Geller and a bunch of other folks you've seen around. This thing completely rules. Contact them at hushhushmag@yahoo.com.

And I'm off like a prom dress. Please send all your news early and often. Remember to address me personally or reference Threats & Promises in your email subject lines. Remember to pay the damn light bill, too. I'm not going through this shit again next month. Suckers to the side via email music@flagpole.com, voicemail at 549-2360; or by post at P.O. Box 1027, Athens, GA 30603.

Gordon Lamb