Hi Jyl, I really need your advice. I'm a gay man who got out of a long, serious but rocky relationship a while back and after some quality time on my own, feel confident and secure enough now to date seriously and ideally find a new relationship. The good news is I met a wonderful guy last week - it was one of those instances where the minute we met, we both felt like we had known each other forever. We get along perfectly and he's everything I want in a boyfriend. Obviously, we're still learning about each other though, and while I knew his most recent relationship had been serious but rocky, like mine, it just came up how recent that relationship ended: less than a month ago. My question for you is, should I be getting rebound vibes from this situation? I really feel a connection with this guy that I've only felt a few times before (including with my last boyfriend), it seems to be a mutual feeling, and we would definitely take it slow and get to know each other better before we started dating - but it STILL seems awfully fast for him to be falling for me or anyone else, doesn't it? Is there magic happening here, or am I just his rebound? Is there some way to bring this up with him to talk about it without hurting his feelings? Thanks for any help Jyl.

Hopeful but Concerned

No reason to believe that this can’t work, HBC, but you are right to want to move slowly. Notice how I said “want” to move slowly? That’s because no matter how smart you are, or how much you know better, meeting somebody that totally kicks your ass (in the good way) doesn’t happen often, and waiting to get into anything rarely happens when there isn’t anything but good common sense standing in your way.

Not that this is a terrible thing. You are right to feel nervous, and you should definitely talk to him about your desire to be cautious and fear of reboundage. The thing is, there is no magic formula for how long one waits after a breakup to date the next person and not have it interfere. If you were to ask me, I would say ideally you want at least a six-month window in there, but you know what? Life doesn’t work that way. So you’re going to ask, and I’m going to say “Yes, definitely wait at least six months so you know he’s really over his ex and he’s had time to heal and be alone and blah, blah, blah.” Then you’re going to talk to him about your fear, he’s going to reassure you, both of you are going to agree to take it slow. But I’d be surprised if you even got to the end of this month before you are going full swing. Is that ideal? No. But ideal isn’t how shit happens, so try to be smart and in the end, go with your gut (or “follow your heart”, if you prefer that cliché), and hope for the best. Let me know how it goes.

I haven't dated a lot of girls in my life but I have had a fair share of no-strings-attached sexual encounters (flings, hook-ups, one-night stands, whatever you want to call it). I'd say the majority of these girls I'd known for a while, only a few of them were girls I'd met recently. I've hurt a couple of girls occasionally but I've been able to mend those friendships quickly and talk about it comfortably with them.

There have been several times that I've had an interest in a girl (not just sexually but I see her as someone I could have a relationship with) and I'll flirt a lot with her when I see her. Eventually something happens like we find each other at a party and end up spending the night together. After that, though, I'm not as excited about seeing her and my interest in her decreases, regardless of the quality of our "encounter." This kind of been-there-done-that attitude bothers me, because I'm afraid that I won't be able to commit to a girl later in life. I'm not one of those guys who sits around with drinking buddies bragging about chicks I've gotten with or how many times I've been laid. I'm only 22, so I know this kind of behavior might be normal for somebody my age, but I feel a lot of guilt because I don't want to be one of those guys I just mentioned. Any words of advice?

Sincerely, JH

So even though you want to date this girl before you sleep with her, you aren’t as excited about it after you sleep with her? Do these girls know this going in? I mean, do they think that you’ve really made some sort of connection, decide to sleep with you, and then you forget their names? I don’t get it. That is, I don’t get why you are confused. It’s called the thrill of the hunt. Once you’ve slept with a girl, you don’t wonder what it’s like to sleep with her anymore, and you lose interest.

Is this normal? There is no such thing as normal. Is it cool? Not really. Have you even considered trying to - oh, I don’t know - get to know any of them? As people? Even if you suffer from post-coital “decreased interest”?

Have you ever had a girlfriend? Did it go well? Because all I can think of is that you’re either selfish or afraid or both. And you may not be bragging to all your buddies, but what difference does that make to the women you leave in your wake?

If you’re truly happy with your current screw-and-run strategy, then all you need to do is put your proverbial cards on the table ahead of time. Plenty of women are just out to get laid, too, so I doubt it will cut into your social life at all.

But if you were happy, would you be writing to me about this? I doubt it. You might want to consider actually going out with one of these chicks, just to see what happens. You know, like on a date. I know you have no frame of reference, but believe me when I tell you that sex does actually get better with somebody when you get to know each other better.

Jyl Inov

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