I am a grad student. There’s a lovely lady in my program who I have spent a lot of time with. We are studying the same thing and have the same focus and often work on projects together. Over time we have developed a great friendship. Also during this time, while I have been mostly single, she has had the same boyfriend. This guy is actually an alright guy, but he’s kind of a buffoon. I know he really likes her but he’s one of those guys who is a bit too much of a man’s man, never quite saying what she wants to hear, and often leaving her feeling bad about herself or their relationship. I know he has good intentions, and I have always advised her honestly that I thought he was a good guy and that he didn’t mean to hurt her, etc. She always feels better after we talk and often thanks me for walking her through the male perspective.

The problem is I have a big, big crush on her. Surprise, right? I know—so obvious. I know that I would be better for her than this guy, and I think I could probably convince her of the same thing. I know her boyfriend. We get along. He doesn’t consider me a threat at all. Which was true for a long time, but now that our academic careers are winding down and I am starting to realize that I won’t be seeing her anymore, I am starting to get panicky. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to confess my feelings. (I would wait until after graduation, of course, because I don’t want to screw up our study habits and projects, etc.) Part of me thinks I should just walk away and stay friends. I am afraid that if I don’t say anything I will miss an opportunity to have an amazing woman in my life. But after all this time, I don’t want to betray the boyfriend. It’s not about him, and he has been very cool about our friendship all this time. I don’t want him to feel like I have been angling for her the whole time because, honestly, I haven’t. So, what should I do, Jyl? Do I confess my feelings or back off and leave her with him?

Study Buddy

I think you should hold your horses for the time being, SB. Mental cold showers and whatnot. Wait until school is over, and then if you feel so compelled, you can tell her that you have a crush on her. Maybe say it in a light-hearted, “You’re so awesome; I’m glad we have become friends” way, rather than a huge confession. See how she reacts. If she isn’t on the same page, you probably won’t have ruined the chances of remaining friends. And if (or let’s be honest—when) she breaks up with her current boyfriend, maybe you will have a chance. That way, you haven’t betrayed the boyfriend, and you remain a standup guy. Painful? Yes. But it’s the right way to go. Without your constant reassurance, their relationship will have to survive on its own merits. In the meantime, don’t hold your breath waiting for her. Keep looking for somebody who isn’t attached, OK?

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I’m in a new relationship with this guy, and I really, really like him. But we’ve only been seeing each other for a couple of months. We are both divorced and we have a lot in common. We spend a good amount of time together, but I am not sure that he likes me as much as I like him. I am afraid to come on too strong. Any advice?

Dating Again

Just keep seeing him and try to play it cool. See where things go, and as it develops, then you can let your feelings be known. Slowly. No matter what you feel right now, be careful not to let the rush of a new fling (or possibly a new long-term relationship) make you crazy. Professing your love for him too early might scare him off, and it also might be premature. Let things settle down a bit and then decide where you really stand.

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I don’t know how, but I think my gaydar is broken. I have been to a bar where my friend works a couple of times to visit him, and there is a new woman working there who is super hot. We’re both military, we talked guns and other stuff, and the conversation was natural and fun. I was smitten. I have since been back and have gotten various vibes from her, from the same to indifferent. I don’t want to be too direct because if she isn’t gay then I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable and I want to be able to go in there and drink with my friend. (The whole military thing makes it complicated.) He says he doesn’t know whether or not she’s gay. I am usually really good at this, but I am totally confused about this one. Should I just come out and ask her?

Anonymous

I’m not sure how your military background complicates things, Anonymous, but if you are really worried about it then I would advise you to just wait and see. If she is that easy to talk to, eventually something will probably come up in conversation, whether it is her boyfriend, her girlfriend, or whatever. In the meantime, tell your buddy who works with her to keep his ears open, and enjoy your time hanging out there. There’s no law against admiring from afar, even in the military.

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Confidential to London Calling: Stop taking her calls. Stop reading her emails. Just stop. This woman is poison. She knows exactly what she is doing, and you just keep falling for it. You will never find somebody new unless you let this one go completely. I’m not kidding. Block her number, or better yet, change yours. Same with email. Facebook has privacy settings. Use them. Ugh.

Jyl Inov