Guy Stuff

originally published April 2, 2008

It Takes Balls: The photograph on the cover of sportswriter Ross Bernstein’s new book The Code: Baseball’s Unwritten Rules and Its Ignore-at-Your-Own-Risk Code of Conduct (Triumph Books, 2008) comes from the best sports fight I ever saw. Why I happened to be watching the White Sox play the Rangers in the summer of ’93 I have no idea, since I try never to watch American League games unless they involve the New York Yankees getting their asses kicked, but nevertheless I was watching when Nolan Ryan intentionally drilled White Sox third baseman Robin Ventura with a fastball. Ventura charged the mound and Ryan sidestepped, got Ventura in an effortless headlock, and just whaled on his head at least seven times before the benches cleared. What was so amazing about the incident, however, was the look of resignation, even boredom, on the veteran Ryan’s face throughout, like “We’re really doing this? Okay, whatever” as he’s cleaning the other guy’s clock. Just beautiful.

For those who aren’t baseball fans such behavior may seem shocking - pitchers throwing at hitters, brawls in the infield, runners sliding with spikes up or trying to beat out a tag at home by body-checking the catcher - but in the Bigs it’s business as usual, as Bernstein chronicles in his overview of the gentleman’s agreement of dos and don’ts of play not covered in the MLB rulebooks. From extensive interviews and surveys with players past and present, we learn when it’s acceptable to drill a batsman (usually after a bit of showboating or other unsportsmanlike conduct) and where (ribs or back, never in the head), exactly what it’s okay to say to an umpire, the right and wrong ways to steal the other team’s signs, and how sometimes a manager will get himself tossed from a game on purpose to rally the team.

Along the way we get anecdotes about the good guys and bad guys of the game (as if we needed further proof that Leo Durocher and Ty Cobb were unmitigated pricks) and about the importance of honor and cameraderie in unifying a team, even in this age of superstar free agents and skyrocketing salary deals. My favorite story in the book comes from former Braves catcher Greg Olson, who describes a Braves-Phillies game at home where Bobby Cox ordered Tom Glavine to hit the next batter - who turned out to be hometown legend Dale Murphy. What followed was a comedy of errors as all three men knew Murphy had to take one for the team but nobody had the heart to follow through on it.

In keeping with the anecdotal tone of the book, Bernstein’s prose tends to get annoyingly folksy at times, but the stories are priceless and the range of topics is impressive, from the no-no of bunting to break up a no-hitter, to stealing a base when your team is ahead in a blowout. More could have been said about the steroids controversy, but given the touchiness of the subject we should be happy for what Bernstein could get. All in all, Bernstein gives us an insider’s view of the game within the game of baseball, and The Code is worthwhile reading for both casual and hardcore fans.

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And Sometimes You Lose Them: Any man who says he’s never been dumped at least once is a liar. It’s happened to all of us, and even the most amiable breakup contains at least an element of hurt and humiliation. If we’re wise we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on, armed with the knowledge of what to do and (more importantly) what not to do in the next relationship. Very few of us are, in fact, wise. We’re guys, so it’s safe to say that in relationships the majority of us are just plain dumbasses.

In the spirit of this hard kernel of truth is Ben Karlin’s anthology of essays, Things I’ve Learned from Women Who’ve Dumped Me (Grand Central Publishing, 2008). Karlin, former executive producer of “The Daily Show,” has gathered an impressive lineup of writers to tell their often absurd and often tragic, but always funny, cautionary tales of love and rejection. For the most part the advice is good advice, from Conan O’Brien’s former sidekick Andy Richter’s story about why waiting to have sex is a bad idea (by the time it happens, you’re not sure that it did) to Patton Oswalt’s trope about dating a crazy stripper (any other relationship becomes better by default). The writers vary in their parameters for how long a bad relationship should be allowed to ripen - six months; two years; Bob Odenkirk from “Mr. Show” says nine years is the best length of time to cultivate a truly psychotic romantic attachment - but all are in agreement that one cannot possibly appreciate love until he’s been roundly stomped, dragged around by the cojones, or otherwise put through the unrelenting meat grinder of the Bad Breakup.

Of course some of the writers in this collection play fast and loose with the definition of “dumped,” but their stories are some of the best in the book. Particularly good is Larry Wilmore’s diary of his attempts to bond with his newborn daughter, who is determined to squirm, caterwaul, and otherwise get the hell away from him at every opportunity. Stephen Colbert’s story is practically unreadable after heavy censorship by his wife, so that his chapter looks remarkably like every document the CIA has ever submitted to Congress. The best chapter in the collection, hands down, comes from syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage, who describes his teenaged attempts to hide his homosexuality by hooking up with a neighborhood girl - Savage’s descriptions of the girl’s lady-parts are graphic, tasteless, and, well, savage, but funny as hell.

Karlin’s anthology may not do much to bridge the divide between men and women, but if it accomplishes nothing else, it will make those of us who have escaped the hell of dating thank our lucky stars that we found marriage, the priesthood, or chronic masturbation. Or at least it will make us laugh out loud as we read, and that’s something too.

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How ’Bout Them Hydrangeas? Local publishing house Hill Street Press has set a release date of Apr. 28 for Vince Dooley’s new book In Dooley’s Garden, with illustrations by Steve Penley. Information is spotty at the present time, but we know the book will be 96 pages, retail for $24.95, contain Coach Dooley’s gardening tips, and will sell like weed at a Widespread Panic show.

I’d like to take a moment to express my unadulterated admiration for Vince Dooley’s accomplishments as a coach, as an athletic director, and as a mainstay of the University of Georgia for 40 years. But a book about Dooley’s garden? Could it be that every last drop of saleable content has been wrung out of the 1980 National Championship? What’s next? Vince’s laundry list?

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In Other News: Everyone out there who’s been hopping from foot to foot waiting for the next installment of George R. R. Martin’s fantasy cycle A Song of Ice and Fire will have to keep waiting. In a letter to fans posted on his website, Martin announced recently that he is still working on A Dance with Dragons, but hopes to have it finished and gone to press by fall of this year. Though I’m a fan of Martin’s early science fiction, I haven’t read any of the Ice and Fire books - I just can’t commit myself to reading a series right now, especially a series of doorstop-sized books - but friends of mine are avid readers who tell me that expectations are Harry Potter-high for the next book. So it’s coming, have no fear - just stop bugging the man and let him work.

In news of an eagerly anticipated book that is coming soon, Little Brown has announced that the fourth installment of the Twilight Series, Stephenie Meyer’s wildly popular series of vampire novels for teens, will be called Breaking Dawn and has a release date of Aug. 2, 2008. Bookstores are currently taking advance orders.

John G. Nettles