Fool for Love

originally published April 2, 2008

Well, I ate at Five Star Day Café on the Eastside the other day, and the guy at the cash register asked if I'm Jyl Inov, the author of Flagpole's advice column, Reality Check. I assured him that the person who writes the column is very real and very serious about Reality Check. I mentioned the encounter to Jyl, and Jyl said it's not uncommon for people to assume I write the column. That's very flattering to me, and in the spirit of April Fool's Day, I think I'll give it a try. Call me Sneak, Jyl Inov's third cousin once removed. The first item actually did come in addressed to Pete and was forwarded by Jyl. The rest are from Sneak's fevered brow.

I think this is a pretty lame way to get people to talk to you about sex. But anyway... Do you really believe Earth Shoes improve your sex life?

Wondering in Seattle

Even lame people can talk about sex, WIS, which brings us to earth shoes. I have never tried sex while wearing Earth Shoes, but I'm sure they would definitely improve your sex life. How many times have I heard people say, "Not tonight, honey, I have a foot ache." Earth shoes can help that problem, because they mimic the way your foot feels when it's walking on sand, and everybody knows the romantic value of walking on the beach. Just strap some on and wait for those good feelings. If feelings persist for more than four hours, call your doctor.

I know 14 different sex positions, but I don't know any girls. What am I doing wrong?

Out of Practice

Sounds like you've got the cart before the horse, OOP: all hat and no cattle, so to speak. Throw away the Karma Sutra and start hanging out where real women congregate. Just cool it and get to know some people; find some you enjoy being with. Forget about the upside-down pretzel and just be yourself. If you ever do get into a real sexual relationship, you might learn a thing or two yourself.

What's with all the women in this town? I am handsome, well-off, a good conversationalist and intelligent. It never fails that I'm at a party or a bar enjoying good times with good company, and I begin to get interested in some woman. Before long, the conversation turns to politics, and when I tell her how much I admire George W. Bush and hope he'll run for the U.S. Senate from Texas and serve our republic for many years more, all of a sudden I'm invisible.

Right in Crystal Hills

You sound like a great catch, Right, but you're in the wrong pond. Maybe at the country club or the Young Republican smoker, but otherwise you've got two choices. Move to a more conservative city or wise up: stop talking politics and start listening. Out of the mouths of babes comes wisdom, but considering where you're starting from, you're going to have to pay close attention.

Ever since Dancing with the Athens Stars I have lusted after one of the celebrities who danced. I don't remember his name, but he was a tall, commanding figure who wore this cool outfit and danced the tango. That man is hot. Do you think there's any chance he would go out with me?

Two to Tango

I know the guy, Two, and I can't understand why all you women think he's so hot. It's just an instance of the clothes making the man. You should see him in a three-piece suit. Just a lunk with two left feet.

My girlfriend says my jacuzzi and hot tub use too much water and says she's going to quit going with me unless I turn off the water. Frankly, this is a turnoff to me. Do I have to choose between my girlfriend and my rubber ducky?

Bummed in Bogart

Look on the bright side, Bummed. Your girlfriend is a woman of principle who understands what's happening in the world and in your backyard. If you had rather play in the water, maybe you can compromise with a spot on the river, while it still has water. If you can't, here's hoping you and Ducky remain close.

I can't get sexually aroused unless I am naked and covered in $50 bills.

Waiting in Winterville

Psychologists have long debated, WIW, whether the higher denomination is really sexually charged or just an antidote to low self-esteem. You may have to consider abstinence-only or try getting turned on by George Washington. Otherwise, maybe the aphrodisiac you're looking for is a short-term, low-interest, sub-prime home equity loan.

Pete McCommons, d.b.a. Sneak Inov

editor@flagpole.com

This stuff is more difficult than I thought. My respect for Jyl increases. Send her your real questions via the Reality Check form here.