That O'Looney Woman

originally published March 5, 2008

A slightly longer version of these remarks was delivered on Feb. 25 to the Clarke County Democratic Committee's roast of former ACC Mayor (1991-1998) Gwen O'Looney as a fundraiser for a new Democratic campaign headquarters.

On my way down here tonight I was stopped in the parking deck by a shadowy figure in an "I ♥ Dick Cheney" sweatshirt. He claimed to be an emissary from the Clarke County Republican Executive Committee, and he was beside himself with excitement. It turned out that he thought Gwen was going to be burned at the stake. His disappointment was painful to witness when I told him it was only a roast. Nevertheless, he asked me if I would bring you a message from local Republicans. Realizing that Gwen O'Looney has always stood for inclusiveness and for loving one's enemies, I agreed to forego my own remarks to bring you this communication from our Republican friends.

This is what they wrote:

Because of our experience failing to defeat her, nobody is better qualified to tell the truth about O'Looney. Since that is the purpose of this occasion, we appreciate the opportunity to tell our side of the story. After all, most of us used to belong to the Democratic Party. So let us set the record straight and remind you of just who this woman is.

Lest you forget, here are the top 10 reasons to hate Gwen Ingram O'Looney, as promulgated by your Republican Party. They are available online at www.hateolooney.com. Get them, print them out and keep them in your wallet. They will make a handy reference to counteract any positive feelings you might have toward O'Looney.

10. Water.

She wasted taxpayer money building Bear Creek Reservoir and got us embroiled with other county governments. The Middle Oconee River was good enough for our daddies, and it's good enough for us. The lying, left-wing O'Looney doppleganger we've got for mayor now is so anti-development that she repeats the big lie that we don't have enough water for development, or even for a decent bath for man or Mercedes.

9. Bicycles.

Before O'Looney, nobody around here rode bicycles. Decent folk drove everywhere they needed to go, and they didn't have to dodge hippies on bicycles to get there. Blame O'Looney for the idea that human beings need to go anywhere premium gasoline won't take them.

8. Sidewalks.

If you can't afford to drive, you don't deserve to go. Why should taxpayer money be squandered to invite undesirable people to walk by our gated communities? That's right: O'Looney again. She pushed the sidewalks. She's from St. Simon's, you know, where they built all those wide sidewalks before Republicans took over the island.

7. Transparency.

O'Looney again. Before she came along you could get your subdivision all wrapped up and ready to go before anybody ever heard about it. Because of her, you have to do this stuff right out in the open now, with the commissioners and the common everyday ordinary citizens able to start hollering about traffic and infrastructure, and all that other commie-speak.

6. Preservation.

O'Looney taught everybody the big lie that a building that's been standing around for 100 years is prettier than a new one that will fall down in 30. Absolutely no business sense.

5. Equality.

When she ran for mayor, O'Looney went after black votes, white votes, men votes, women votes, old votes, young votes, hippies and straight, town and gown, rural and urban. By the time she was elected, she owed government attention to everybody in town. That's perilously close to democracy.

4. Neighborhoods.

O'Looney dealt a death-blow to private property rights when she stopped developers from improving old neighborhoods with new apartment complexes and shopping centers and doctors' offices. No wonder Athens is such a weird place to live.

3. Dedication.

Probably the worst thing O'Looney did was to turn the mayor's office into a full-time job. We had it designed as just a part-time thing, so that one of the big guys could do it and still run his business or law firm. Didn't pay much. O'Looney comes along and runs on the platform that she would take that pay and be a full-time mayor. She ruined our concept of the gentleman mayor.

2. Energy.

She was everywhere. It was a nightmare. It was like we had three or four O'Looneys running around. She was sticking her nose into all the departments of government and showing up at public meetings and several churches on Sundays and trying to find candidates to run against our guys. She must have been on steroids.

Finally, the main thing never to forget about O'Looney:

1. She's still around.

She's still out there showing up at meetings and encouraging candidates and networking and mending fences and building walls. We're not talking about the past here; this is the future. No Republican is safe in Athens-Clarke County with that uppity woman still on the loose.

Pete McCommons

editor@flagpole.com