A Declaration Of War

originally published January 9, 2008

From: Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, Justice And The American Way

To: Members

Okay, guys: time to get back in the water. The 'Cratheads are beginning to make waves, and that's our signal to crank the Rolls and head for the fight. Everybody send in a million: we'll get back to you for the rest when we get a budget firmed up.

We can't rest on our laurels, but let's briefly review our tactics that destroyed the traitor Kerry last time: political jiujitsu. We had the audacity to take his strength and turn it against him. His campaign portrayed him as the triple Purple Heart decorated skipper of a swift boat on the Mekong in Vietnam. Since we had the money and the brass balls to get our message out there, we were able to cast doubt on whether he was a military hero at all. In fact, by the end of the campaign, a lot of the voters were confusing Kerry's record with our guy's. We did our job so well that a lot of people thought Kerry was the one who pulled strings to stay out of the war. And the press bought it! It was a brilliant campaign, and we've had many a laugh remembering it. However, that was then. We've got a whole new ball game this time, but our central tactic will work just fine again: turn their strengths against them.

Obama. The biggest thing he's got going for him is his claim to be African-American. If he's not, he's a dime a dozen. So, what do we do? Simple. We cast doubt on whether he really is African-American. Here's the approach. Obama is not African-American: he's African. Africans are not African-American. They're foreigners. They're okay in their place, but nobody wants a foreigner as President of these United States. And, to the extent that Obama is American, well, who isn't? Got it? If he's not African-American, he's not special. In fact, as an African, he's un-American. This is so much fun it's a shame we can only do it every four years. Obama, the first serious African-American candidate for president not only turns out to be not an African-American, he's not even an American; he's an alien. If he's only posing as an American, then he's a terrorist, because that's what they do. The 'Cratheads are trying to elect a member of Al Qaeda as president. Got it, boys? Crank it. And don't forget his middle name.

Hillary. The first serious woman candidate for president. If she weren't a woman, she'd be indistinguishable from every other left-wing Democrat candidate. Guess what? Hillary is not a woman. You heard it here first. Explains a lot, doesn't it - Bill's behavior, and all. Think about it: no woman could be that tightly controlled and unemotional. The simple truth is that Hillary Clinton is a man. Always has been. She's been trading on the woman thing all her life. Got her into Yale. Got her married to a governor. Got her into the White House. Would she have ever got there on her own? This one's easy, guys. We don't have to put her down because she's a woman, because she's not. She's just another Democrat pol on the make, doing whatever it takes to get elected. She's got balls, but she doesn't know who she's dealing with. The Swift Boaters are not afraid to tell the truth, even if it's a lie. Make her deny it. The more she tries, the more people will begin to suspect she really is a man. Nobody wants a transvestite in the White House. Let's go! Get Rush cranked.

Edwards. What can we say? A billionaire ambulance chaser posing as a friend of the little guy. The $2 million home? The $400 haircut? Where do we start? The only thing he's really got going for him is that he's from the South. But is he? He was a Senator from North Carolina. North Carolina is not the South. North Carolina is the mountains, it's the Research Triangle. It doesn't have good football. John Edwards is no more from the South than Dennis Kucinich, except you can spell his name. Go get that Yankee!

Biden and Dodd. They're already out. All it took for Biden was an email from us bringing up the matter of his hair transplant. Dodd bailed when somebody leaked it that we were going to claim he's really a Republican.

Richardson and Kucinich? Save your powder. They can't even get launched.

Okay, that'll do it for now. The campaign is just getting started. Get your money in, and we'll ship. It's going to be a good war. Let's just hope the liberals don't try to put a fleet of their own into the water. Rudy & Mitt & Huck & them would make some mighty fine targets.

Pete McCommons

editor@flagpole.com