The Water Blotter

Law and Order in… 2008?

originally published November 7, 2007

When climate starts withholding what was once ours, the routine things we’re accustomed to doing become increasingly criminal. So it goes with our drought, which looks as though it’s settling in for a good bit longer than we can stand. In an attempt to beat gritty reality to the punch, I’ve compiled some water-related police reports that, a few months from now, may not seem so farcical.

(Editor’s note: Any resemblance herein to real persons or to the names of real persons is entirely unintentional.)

Good-Smelling Athens Woman Stalked, Harassed

An Eastside woman told police she was harassed by a man at a supermarket late Tuesday afternoon.

After passing the woman several times in two different aisles of the store, the man asked the woman how she could smell so good. When the woman did not answer, he became more insistent, demanding to know how many baths she had taken that week.

The woman abandoned her cart - which police say contained bottled water, food and several bars of soap - and walked to her car. As she drove away, she saw the man exit the store and shake his fist at her.

Police are looking for an unkempt, greasy-haired man wearing a stained shirt last seen on College Station Road.

Couple Wins “Best Yard” Award, Arrested

A westside couple was awarded a certificate Saturday for having Kingswood subdivision’s best-looking yard and was subsequently taken into custody by Athens-Clarke County police.

Kingswood, located near Timothy Road and the Atlanta Highway, gives an award each April to the household with the most colorful, lush and striking yard. The panel of 10 residents judged 14 different yards and finally chose the property of a retired couple whose “gift for juxtaposing colors and allowing natural beauty to shine through, yet not at the expense of order and grace” outshone the other contestants’.

John and Sarah Jones, both 68, were charged with premeditated gardening and released on $50,000 bail.

Outhouse Found to Have Indoor Amenities

An Oconee County man was booked into jail after police discovered his outhouse had indoor plumbing.

Neighbors alerted police to the suspected offense after they reported hearing flushing sounds coming from the structure. After inspecting the toilet inside, and finding a water line feeding it, police charged Neal Swartley, 38, with flushing and failure to compost feces.

UGA Swim Coach Cited for Public Disturbance

The University of Georgia’s synchronized swimming coach was charged with disturbing the peace after he threw a beer bottle through a local tavern’s plate glass window.

Bartenders at the Georgia Bar on West Clayton Street said a man entered at 4:15 p.m., ordered a beer and soon after became agitated. When an employee attempted to calm him down, the man shouted that it was impossible for his team to compete with “schools that are allowed to have pools.” Upon being told to quiet down, the man lay on the bar and began muttering unintelligibly.

When the employee told him he was sorry about the “water ballet team,” but that he needed to get off the bar, the man sat up and threw his bottle through the window.

It was the fifth time this month the tavern’s window needed replacing, breaking the previous record of four set last month.

Richard Burrows, 41, was booked into Athens-Clarke County jail and released on his own recognizance.

Man Caught Lurking Behind Residence

A Whitehall-area woman told police a man was looking through her window yesterday evening from a wooded area behind her house.

The woman told the officers she recognized the man as her next-door neighbor. When police knocked on his door, he told them he had been evacuating his bowels in what he thought was a secluded spot. Telling the officers he was complying with water-rationing laws and urging them to check for his mound of feces, the man became increasingly insistent until pepper spray was needed to subdue him.

Martin Ridley, 44, was taken to Athens-Clarke County jail and charged with Pooping Tom.

Man Reports Water-Restriction Violator

An area vagabond told police he saw a North Athens woman take a lengthy shower last night, and fail to turn off the water while soaping her breasts, thighs and buttocks.

Kenny Walters, no address, told police the woman stood in the shower stall with the water running for “upwards of 15 minutes, not conserving at all.”

In accordance with the Good Water-Neighbor Act, police arrested Carley Smith, 20, and booked her into Athens-Clarke County jail without bond.

Also in keeping with the Act, Walters was awarded a key to the city by Mayor Heidi Davison in a ceremony at City Hall late last night.

Greg Benson