2008: The Year In Preview

Flagpole Angles For a Scoop

originally published December 26, 2007

January

In a historic compromise, the Mayor and Commission three-lane Prince Avenue from Milledge Avenue to Pulaski Street, while allowing developers to use TDRs to build in the extra street space opened up by reducing the traffic footprint. All sides seem satisfied with the outcome except drivers coming off the Jackson County four-lane at 70 miles per hour on their way to The Grit. Developers, who generally oppose any progressive action as bad for business, are intrigued with the idea of such a novel use of Transferable Development Rights, especially since nobody really understands what they are. Several developers have already come forward with plans for coffee kiosks along both sides of Prince Avenue, and at press time an Atlanta developer has proposed a series of tall but narrow condos for the remaining space along the curbs.

February

In a surprise announcement, 10th District Republican Congressman Paul Broun says he will seek the U.S. Senate seat presently held by fellow Republican Saxby Chambliss. Broun came out of nowhere to win the 2007 special election to fill the seat of Congressman Charlie Norwood, who died in office. Seasoned political observers say Broun has no more chance than a Democratic snowball in Republican hell, but Broun is optimistic. “You know,” he opines, “I just get out there and put up my signs and get in the road and go see folks the old-fashioned way. Saxby’s just going to fly everywhere and make appearances. Even though he’s got 10 times more money, I believe my approach will work again.” Seasoned political cynics say Broun’s decision was hastened by the fact that even though he is the incumbent Republican Congressman, the fat cats in Atlanta and the Republican Mafia in Augusta have ganged up to run one of their insiders against him. They have made it clear that it’s not enough to have a Republican in the 10th District seat; they want a Republican they can control.

March

Alarmed that he might start reading to them from his thick teacher’s notebook, the ACC Commission gives in to Commissioner Kelly Girtz’s push for a traffic roundabout at the intersection of Barnett Shoals Road and Old Lexington Road. Although Commissioner Elton Dodson questions whether Athenians are smart enough to understand a roundabout, the new traffic calming system proves wildly popular - too popular, actually. People are enjoying the new roundabout so much that they want to keep going round and round. Instead of using it to get through the intersection, drivers just keep going around until they get dizzy, and then they veer off, sometimes back in the direction from which they came. Police have stopped any number of smiling, weaving drivers only to find them stone sober. City Transportation Director David Clark comments that “this thing has certainly worked to calm traffic. In fact, it has pretty much halted any forward motion.” Commissioner Dodson drove out to try the new roundabout last week and hasn’t been heard from since.

April

Constant grumbling by downtown merchants that Twilight Criterium bike-race events every spring cut into Friday and Saturday sales by blocking off streets and bringing crowds downtown has forced race promoters to re-think the whole concept. “I’m just tired of fighting with these guys,” Twilight founder Gene Dixon says. “If they can’t see that bringing people downtown is good for business, then we’re just going to have to do it another way.” Dixon is announcing the inauguration of the ’Forelight Criterium. “We’ll start at 3 a.m.,” he says. “We won’t bother the merchants, and it’ll be after the bars close. People can either continue to party, or they can begin to sober up. Whatever. We’ll time the start of the big race so that it ends just at sunrise. We’ll award the trophies, and then everybody can go eat breakfast.” Dixon says this year the pace car will be a street-sweeper.

In state news, the Georgia Association of Educators names Gov. Sonny Perdue Education Governor of the Year. Although the designation comes as a surprise to those worried about Georgia’s bottom-of-the-barrel SAT scores and Perdue’s slashing of school funding, the educators reason that Perdue has put Georgia schools in the enviable position of having nowhere to go but up. “It’s really like whatever we do, we can’t make it any worse,” says GAE spokesperson Carlton Chalk. “That takes a lot of pressure off educators and leaves us more time and attention to worry about how to pay for math books.”

May

Despite recent technical problems with Athens-Clarke County Mayor and Commission meetings online, the government plans to push ahead with its program to make the meetings available through all possible media. First, the meetings were cablecast on the Charter system, a service Charter was forced to provide as a condition for being awarded the monopoly contract for cable service in Athens. Then, the enterprising techies in City Hall put the meetings online, with selective searching so that you only have to watch the good parts. Now the city plans to beam the programs to your cellphone, so that you can watch while you wait for a table at DePalma’s. After that?

“Well, it’s sort of a secret,” says ACC Public Relations honcho Jeff Montgomery, “but I can tell you this much. Think traveling road show.” That’s right: off the record, Montgomery tells Flagpole that by this fall, the Mayor and Commission will take their show to the people. They have scheduled a series of meetings at spots around town. In September, they’ll open for the Truckers at the 40 Watt Club, and in October, they’ll provide backup chorus for Down With The Woo at the Georgia Theatre. They’re still trying to negotiate a gig in November at Tasty World, possibly with some surprise guests, and it is now definite that the next Mayor and Commission retreat will be at Orange Twin. Anything else? Montgomery says this Mayor and Commission are really serious about informing citizens. “If you don’t have TV or the Internet or WiFi and can’t get out to the clubs for the meetings,” Montgomery says, “Heidi will call you up and tell you what happened.”

June

Continuing its slow encroachment into downtown (the business services building, the Michael Brothers Building, the Broad Street studios, the Institute of Gerontology), the University of Georgia has announced that it is moving its food services downtown. “What better place for our food services than where people go to eat?” UGA Vice-President for Communications Tom Jackson says. “Besides, President Adams wants to use Snelling as his South Campus office complex.” Jackson reveals that “Dawg Fude,” a multi-level food court, will be housed on the first two floors of University Towers on Broad Street and will offer a wide variety of institutional food sweetened with real sugar and fried in real lard. “Students have distinct tastes,” Jackson says, and we think the average Athenian will enjoy this stuff, too.“ Jackson says the University food court will have an Italian section, an Indian section, a meat-and-three section and a soul food section. ”We want to make it possible for diners to replicate the Athens culinary experience in one convenient location,“ Jackson says, adding, ”Of course, we’ll have sidewalk seating, too.“ Asked if the Dawg Fude complex will serve alcohol, Jackson says, ”Of course. We don’t want our students drinking on campus, now do we?“

News of the Dawg Fude plans is music to the ears of local rental magnate Dr. Fred Moorman, who has announced that he has entered into agreements to buy the rest of downtown not already owned by the University or himself. Moorman says he plans to turn all of downtown into one vast warren of student condos, and ”they’ll need a place to eat.“ He plans to call the area Fred’s Downtown.

July

After years of wrangling between Athens’ sheriff and county commission over whether or not a new jail is needed, county officials have come up with a plan. The sheriff has always maintained that the potential for incarceration as a local growth industry is hampered by the lack of infrastructure, i.e. a new jail. Commissioners, on the other hand, point to the multi-million dollar cost of a new facility. Now, Commissioner Carl Jordan has come up with a proposal so simple, yet so clearly the answer to the problem, that it is as if a (non-glare) bulb has lit up in the minds of the other commissioners. Jordan is proposing to privatize the jail, but not in the usual sense of turning it over to private business to run. Under Jordan’s proposal, prisoners will be housed in private homes, and the present jail facility will be recycled as a halfway house and lounge, to re-acclimate recently released prisoners to the lifestyle of hanging out in honky-tonks. Some critics question whether private homes can provide the amenities prisoners will demand if the Democrats are returned to power in Washington, but Jordan thinks his plan will work. ”This is a win-win situation,“ he says, ”and, personally, it is gratifying to me finally to come up with an idea acceptable to my fellow commissioners after all these years of being on the short end of those 9-1 votes.“ Jordan goes on to point out that the county saves money by not having to build the jail, people in the community get to earn extra money by keeping prisoners, and the prisoners are much less likely to cause trouble, since they are not all in one big group where discontent feeds on itself. ”We’ll have to amend the two-person limit on unrelated people in a household,“ Jordan concedes, ”or we could just designate them as cousins, the way the students do.“

August

Perhaps emboldened by the reception to Commissioner Jordan’s July jail proposal, Commissioner Kathy Hoard has applied the same principle as a solution to the problem of the rapidly obsolescing landfill. She has proposed paying local residents to store trash at their homes. ”I want to be guided, as always, by what our staff think about this proposal,“ Hoard says, ”and we are really fortunate to have such competent staff, who are always willing to stop whatever work they are doing to respond to my requests for guidance from them. Why, just the other day I couldn’t decide whether to wear my brown pantsuit or my orange jumper, so I called Bobby Snipes, and he asked the girls in the Manager’s office, and they all recommended the jumper. But anyway, why should we spend all that money to expand the landfill and encroach farther on the Dunlap Road community, when a much less expensive alternative would benefit those of our citizens wanting to earn some extra money?“ Hoard points out that her proposal would spread the wealth along with the trash, and that ”really, many of our citizens wouldn’t even notice some more trash around the house.“

September

Terrapin Beer’s new brewery has hit another snag in addition to the interminable wait for a state brewing license. The wildly popular, hoppy brew has been made in Maryland ever since the company was formed as an Athens corporation, but always with the aim of building here and brewing locally. Now that the dream approaches fruition, a vital ingredient is missing: water. ”We have been looking forward all these years to brewing Terrapin with Athens water,“ a Terrapin spokeswoman says. ”Now, there is none.“ Terrapin has always been an innovative company, however, and its brewmaster has apparently come up with a solution to this new problem. It seems the company will buy Bud Light in quantity and extract the water from that beer. ”This will actually work very well,“ the spokeswoman says, ”since Bud Light is so close to water, anyway.“

The drought worsens, and the Mayor and Commission, in spite of their earlier belief that it would not be necessary, are forced to move to the final resort in their drought-management plan: Step F, which turns out actually to be Step F-U.

”We’re getting out of the water business,“ Mayor Heidi Davison says. ”We’ve done the best we can, but when you run out of water, what’s the use of a water department? Water as a public utility is an old-fashioned concept that grew up back when we had an actual rainfall and rivers with water in them. The Commission and I agree that hauling water is an activity better suited for the private sector.“ Redneck GReece, AKA Greg Reece, DBA The Waterman, agrees: ”Amen! Thank you, Lord,“ he is heard to mutter.

October

The ACC Mayor and Commission vote to move ahead with the new downtown parking deck. ”We’ve got to provide some place for the customers of downtown businesses to park,“ Mayor Davison says. ”The streets are already taken up by their employees.“ Critics of the garage point out that its construction will encourage more automobiles downtown. ”How else are people going to get here?“ asks a merchant who wishes to remain anonymous. ”Walk, bike, ride the bus? What, are you crazy?“

A new controversy has broken out between those who want to use the Middle Oconee riverbed for motorcycle racing and those who want to protect the riverbed in case the water ever returns. ”It may not look much like a river now,“ says a press release from the Upper Oconee Watershed Network, ”but it’s going to if the rains ever come back.“

Jack Hogg, recording secretary for a local bikers’ club says,”We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now it’s nature’s way of telling us that the internal combustion engine belongs anywhere it can go.“

November

Former Athenian 12th District Congressman John Barrow is in town to speak at an Ex-Liberal meeting this week. Barrow is a favorite at such gatherings, where he is exhibited as living proof that it is possible to change political philosophies, even though some scoff at the notion that such change is real. Barrow, as an ACC Commissioner here, was an unabashed liberal, but since he was elected to Congress and moved to Savannah after being redistricted out of Athens, he has talked and voted like a Republican. Many of his liberal friends feel betrayed, while Republicans don’t believe he has really changed and keep on running candidates against him. Barrow concedes that the most difficult parts of reorienting himself are the internal control it demands, and learning to ignore his own bleeding heart.

December

In state news, Governor Sonny Perdue praises Georgia for its ”contrarian“ position on public issues and asks the Georgia General Assembly to change our nickname from ”The Peach State“ to ”The Contrarian State.“ Perdue points out that the peach crop has declined since the drought, and that what Georgia is most widely known for is being different from the rest of the country. ”They’re against the war; we’re for it,“ Perdue says. ”They’re for kids scoring high on the SAT; we’re for them scoring low. They’re against global warming; we say it don’t exist.

They’re for making it easy for folks to vote; we’re for making it hard. They’re for sustainable growth; we’re for pavement.“ Perdue says that if the legislature, in spite of being controlled by his arch nemesis, goes along with the new nickname, he’ll introduce further legislation requiring the state to take the opposite of any position favored in the rest of the country. ”Our contrarianism has been hard won,“ he says, ”but it could be squandered in a heartbeat if we began looking at the world like reasonable people.“

Tifton B. Merritt