originally published September 24, 2008

I'm at my wit's end. I've been with someone for a few years. We are in love. Talking with her makes me feel like she's the best friend I've ever had. Physically, she really turns me on. She's kind and vibrant and we have the most fun together... when she's awake.

My partner sleeps about 12 hours a day. She wakes up about 10 minutes before she has to go to work and then plops right back down on the bed when she gets home and passes out. She then wakes up later when I go to bed. This means that I don't get to spend as much time with her as I would like to. Also, it means that she doesn't take care of her own shit like any adult should know how to do at this point. I constantly remind her to do little day-to-day things like pay bills and take care of her personal business and housework. She never does these things because she is sleeping in the middle of the day. The bills are always late, and she’s always running late.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of living like this. I do the bulk of the housework, and I have my own shit to deal with; I'm tired of constantly getting on her to take care of herself. I have resorted to treating her like a teenager (like threatening to not to do stuff with her if she doesn’t take care of some of these things). Breaking up with her really isn't an option. I've thought about it, but I don't want to lose all of the amazing things we do have between us. If I never find a person like her again, I would regret it my whole life. All I want for her is to live her life like a normal person - wake up in the morning, go to bed at night, and be awake to spend time with me as well as take care of general business. I've certainly expressed my displeasure at her chronic sleepiness. She knows that it pisses me off, but doesn't seem willing and/or able to change. What do I do?

Tired of Living with Rip Van Lover

Funny that you called yourself tired - you know, since she’s the one who’s always sleeping. The first thing I thought of when reading this letter is that your girlfriend is either smoking a lot of pot or she’s really depressed - possibly both. It’s obvious from your letter that you are really in love with this girl, but it is also clear that you are not getting through to her. The thing is, as happy as you are and as much as you love her, you are eventually going to resent being stuck in a parental role in your relationship. You need to pick a time to talk to her - really talk, when she is awake and sober and you are feeling particularly patient - and make sure she listens. Ask her straight up what the problem is. Is she depressed? Is she unhappy? Does she have a drug habit? And, most importantly, is she interested in making a change? She needs to know that you are not happy. That you love her, but that you are not happy, and that things need to change or you will leave. Because you may not think it now, Tired, but you will get frustrated enough to leave, and you will be completely justified in doing so. Don’t let it come to that.

I am with an amazing woman. She is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. We get along well, have amazing sex, settle disagreements like adults, respect each other and support each other. We have been together for over two years. We both live by ourselves. I am ready to take the relationship to the next level, but she has had some bad relationships in the past and is incredibly set in her ways. We never discuss the future, probably because I am too chicken to bring it up. She knows that I love her and she says she loves me. I know she is not ready to be in the type of relationship that I want, and that is fine. I am willing to wait. My question is: How can I ask her if she is open to the possibility of a future with me? I do not need her to commit herself to me forever or anything, but I do need to know that she is at least open to the idea of being serious. If she intends to spend the rest of her life living alone and just having casual boyfriends, then I would have to rethink our status. Is there a good way to ask her about these issues without putting on too much pressure or scaring her away?

In Love but Willing to Wait

I hate to say this, ILBWTW, but you have seriously got to grow a pair. You obviously worship this woman, which is great, but is it even kind of mutual? Not that I have any doubts, mind you - you say she tells you she loves you, and you haven’t given me any reason to think that she would bullshit you about that - but if you’ve been together for two years, why do you seem so afraid of her? Is she seeing other people? Is it possible that she is totally in love with you too, and just waiting for you to make a move? How old are you guys? I guess what I’m saying is that two years hardly seems like a casual boyfriend relationship to me. You say you know she isn’t ready for the type of relationship you want. What exactly do you want? And how do you know she doesn’t want it? I mean, if you’re too afraid to ask, then how do you know? Sweetie, the only way to approach this is directly. It doesn’t have to be a Big Serious Talk. Just ask her sometime if she’s ever thought about it. I mean, how many nights do you spend together now? Does it make sense to keep paying two rents? And if you don’t spend many nights together, wouldn’t you rather? Just tell her that you really are in love with her, and that you don’t want to put pressure on her, but you also don’t want to waste your time if the relationship isn’t going anywhere. If that scares her away, then it was bound to happen anyway, and you might as well move on now before you get even more attached, right?

Jyl Inov

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