originally published September 10, 2008

I wrote you a while back about a problem I was having pertaining to liking older men, one of whom was a teacher of mine. Happily, I report that those men are all now out of the picture and I have moved on. I now have a different problem. I have been hanging out with this new guy everyday for the past few weeks. We've talked, relaxed and shared a bed numerous times. He's told me different things on different occasions about our "status." At first, we were just enjoying each other's company. Then, we talked about dating. As he stated, he only desired to experience the good parts of dating without having to call the next day. This is when I keyed onto the idea of being used by this boy. I'm not sure if you can consciously be used by someone, but that's what happened. I was not only used by him, but by his friends also for rides to work or downtown. For some odd reason, I still like this guy, but he's kind of decided that he's done with me - I guess he got all he needed. I'm still attached, but he tries not to care about anyone, says it's not a good time for him to care about people. I've been trying to fill my time with distractions, but at the end of the day, I still seem to have the time to miss him. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Attracted to Disaster

You pretty much hit it on the head when you signed this letter, ATD. You’ve got to avoid this guy like an oncoming hurricane until you get over him. Whether or not he knows what he is doing, and whether or not he is doing it consciously, this guy is messing with your head. Don’t waste your time analyzing why, ATD, just get away. It may take some time, but get over it you will, and then you’ll be left with only a lingering sense of self-loathing - which will also fade. The important thing is that you recognize what happened. That makes you less likely to fall into the same BS again later.

I’ve been dating this woman for about three months. We’re both in our late 30s. Things have been getting fairly serious, and things are going very well. There is only one problem: she is a widow, and her late husband only died about a year ago. We have discussed the situation openly on many occasions, and as far as that goes, things are fine. The problem is with her family, and even more with his. They were (and still to some extent are) very close, and they all obviously loved the man, and loved the two of them together. He got ill, there was a long period of fighting, and then a slow painful death. So, you can see why she might be ready to move on.

We took things very slowly at first, and really got to know each other, and then we started dating a few months ago. I know all about her husband, and I can honestly say that I probably would have been friends with both of them if I had known him. They had no children, so it was easy for us to date at first, but now that we are ready to move forward (we’re thinking about eventually living together), she has spoken of me to her family members, and people are starting to resist. We were supposed to attend a family dinner together but ended up canceling because she got uncomfortable with all of their questions about me. They say she needs more time, they talk about him constantly (not in front of me, as I have yet to meet any of them), and they seem resistant to the idea of her dating. She has been handling it okay so far, but I wonder if there is anything I can/should do to make it easier? I really care for this woman, and it is important to me that she is happy, but I also very much want to be accepted by her family. Any idea how I should proceed?

Thanks.

New Guy

The only thing you can do, New Guy, is be as loving and supportive as you can. You will have to wait the family out, and unfortunately there is no knowing how long that might be. Be patient and follow the lady’s lead. I would encourage her to bring you along to the next family shindig, but don’t push too hard. Tell her you’re ready when she is. No matter what their feelings (and you know, people grieve in all sorts of ways, so try not to take it personally), if you really are the great guy that you seem to be, they will probably accept you. It may take some time, though, and you should brace yourself for some discomfort. Talk to her ahead of time. Prepare together for what you are willing and unwilling to discuss with the family. Set boundaries, and have a plan of escape (I know this sounds like preparation for guerilla warfare, but we are talking about family, and families can be tricky). The most important thing is that you prepare for the worst, expect the best, and no matter how weird it gets, do not lose your composure. You obviously care a great deal for this woman, so just tough it out.

How can you say that a relationship isn’t serious just because it only lasts for three months? You told Susan Lucci as much, which just goes to show what you know. I have had very intense relationships that only lasted a short while, and I know people who are married (for over 10 years) that got engaged on their third date. So, don’t judge a relationship based on its lifespan.

Fallsfast

I didn’t say that Susan Lucci’s relationship wasn’t serious, Fallsfast - she did. She said they only dated for three months, that they really didn’t get along, and that her ex was always saying that she should date his best friend. That doesn’t sound like the fiery, passionate precursor to a successful 10-years-plus marriage now, does it?

Jyl Inov

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