originally published May 28, 2008

Hey Jyl, I wanted to point out something that you missed. A couple weeks ago, a woman wrote in about her husband snoring too much. While I agree with the advice you gave for the most part, there was something that you overlooked that I feel is pretty important. Tell her to get her husband checked for sleep apnea. It might save them both.

Love your stuff. Keep up the good work!

Regular Reader

Hey RR, good call. I guess I was so focused on how she could get some sleep that I forgot to ask about why the man snores so much. Also, Wife of Snorer, he may just need to drop some weight. Either way, get the man to a doctor, eh?

The letter from the guy whose friends are getting divorced really hit me. I don’t know if we have the same friends, or if this is how divorce works. In either case, I am in the same situation and I have been avoiding the woman forever. Thing is, I am really, really mad at her, and I know it isn’t my business, but I want to just tell her off because of what she did to my friend, but I don’t want to make things worse for him. I guess why I wrote is if that guy who wrote you that letter is friends with the wife in the situation, I think he should tell her she is being a bitch because somebody needs to. That’s all I’m saying.

Pissed Friend of Divorced Dude

I’m pretty sure if you heard enough divorce stories you would start to see a pattern, PFDD. It’s almost always ugly, and people always end up taking sides. I understand your frustration, but I think you would be better off just trying to support your friend and ignoring the ex-wife. Nothing good will come of you and all of his other friends ganging up on her. He needs your support, not your defense. That’s what attorneys are for.

My friend has been talking about moving to New York for about as long as I can remember. We finished school last May and were taking a year off to hang out. She is super-talented and super-smart, and this town has nothing to offer her in her field. So, even though I know I will miss her, I have been helping her make plans for over a year. The plan is that I am going to drive her up there in a couple months when her lease runs out with all of her stuff and hang out for a week and help her unpack and everything. Then I'll have a short vacation before coming back here and figuring my own shit out. Okay, so like three months ago, she starts dating this new guy. He is very hot and very sweet, and they are perfectly awesome together, but the problem is that I am afraid she is changing her plans just for him. Whenever I bring up the trip she changes the subject, and whenever I try to ask her about packing or having a yard sale to get rid of her extra stuff or looking for an apartment up there, she avoids it or changes the subject. I really don’t want to get in a fight with her, and I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but I don’t want her to waste her life over this guy, no matter how great he is. Is there a way I can talk to her without her getting mad? Or should I just keep quiet and see what happens?

Maybe you should just be up front about all of this. It is possible that your friend is avoiding the subject only because it is difficult to think about in light of the Fabulous Boy situation, and that she still has every intention of going but is trying to enjoy him while she is here - a sort of “last hurrah,” if you will. If that is the case, then she is probably stressed out when you bring it up, because she is having a great time and doesn’t want to think about leaving him. It’s easier for you to think about it because you have been helping with the plans, are in on the trip itself, and not leaving a Fabulous Boy behind. Obviously you are looking forward to this, so it is natural that you would want to keep talking about it, but it is possible that you are making things hard for her. You should just ask her what her thoughts are, rather than guessing what is in her head and worrying (probably needlessly) about it.

Do not do this in a parental way. Do not accuse her of giving up her dream for some guy, or any other dramatic nonsense. You don’t know what she’s thinking. Just tell her you noticed that she’s been avoiding the subject, and ask her if the plan is still on and how she feels about it in light of the boyfriend. Tell her you’re really looking forward to the trip, and that you want to know ASAP if the plan changes. Offer to help her in any way you can. If you think she is open to a conversation, have one. But don’t push her or lecture her right now. She still has a couple months left to enjoy herself. Let her.

CONFIDENTIAL TO KT

You are seriously over-thinking this whole thing. You did everything right, trust me. There is no way that she is misinterpreting anything that you said or did. You made yourself clear, now make yourself scarce and give her time to process everything. She has been through a lot, and she is going to need some time. Continue to be there for her as a friend, but don’t push anything or you will risk blowing it. Even if you don’t wind up together, you have made a friend for life. You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.

Jyl Inov

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