originally published April 30, 2008

My best friend (of 20 years) and I are complete opposites. I am the academic, two job working, stay-at-home type. She is the school hating, unemployed, dirty, go-out-and-drink every night even though she's broke type. Even though this hasn't been a problem in the past, I have a feeling that it is about to be.

She has coaxed me into living with her next year by promising to stay at home more often and to live up to my standards of cleanliness. Even though I was wary of the situation, I agreed because I believed her when she said she would not let her sloth get in the way of our friendship.

However, as move-in day approaches, I am becoming more and more nervous about this situation. This best friend of mine has a history of saying she is going to do things (go back to school, get a job, be more active, quit smoking, do her laundry), yet never actually "musters up" the amount of energy necessary to do them. Because of this history, I am very afraid that she will not live up to her promises, which with next year being my senior year, is not something I am going to be mentally equipped to handle.

I don't judge her for her life choices, it IS her life and she has the free will to choose how she lives it, but I do feel as if I should voice my concern since her choices in the upcoming year will most certainly be affecting me. My question to you is: How do I talk to her about my uncertainties without hurting her feelings?

Anonymous

I don’t see how you would be hurting her feelings. It isn’t like she doesn’t know she’s a lazy slob, right? I mean, you said she “coaxed” you into living with her by promising to change. That means she obviously knows she needs to change in order for you two be compatible roommates. It also means she has good intentions about changing (and we know where that road leads, don’t we?), or at least she wants to have good intentions. So, obviously, at some time over the past 20 years, you two have talked about this stuff and she knows she has issues. And there has to be a reason why you’re worried that it isn’t going to work. What is she doing? Making excuses about why she “has” to go out every night? Or promising you that the only reason she’s wearing the same shirt for yet another day is that she ran out of laundry detergent and hasn’t been able to get to the store? In other words, Anonymous Best Friend, can you already see that you’re screwed? Because I can. You are totally and utterly screwed. And were I you, I would start looking for a different roommate right now - before you lose your best friend of 20 years. The bottom line is that the two of you are too different. She wants to have you around because you guys are best friends and she is hoping that your good habits will rub off on her. She probably thinks that all she needs is a good influence to help her change, and since you are her best friend you naturally want to help, so you gave in despite your worst fears and your better judgment. This is not going to work.

What she really needs are the balls to make changes herself. Even if she tries, even if she starts, say, cutting back on her drinking (maybe only four nights a week) and starts redoubling her efforts at housecleaning (doing the dishes, laundry, etc., at least once every week or two), she is not going to suddenly become you overnight. She will backslide. She will come home drunk several nights a week. Your house will be dirty. You will need it to be clean and you will clean it. You will lose sleep and you will resent her. And despite your 20 years of give and take, you will be frustrated, she will feel guilt (or worse, not even care), you will fight constantly, and it will end badly.

This is not the way for her to change. Get out before it is too late. Ditch the plan in favor of retaining an important friendship. Be neighbors. That way you can be there when she’s doing well, but you won’t be forced to wallow in the things that don’t go well, and she won’t resent you for judging her. You can finish school, she can change (or not), and you can both complain to each other about your respective roommates.

I am single for the first time in a long time. After too long (way too long, I’m talking YEARS) in a relationship I knew was going nowhere, I finally told her to get out. Now I have my house to myself and even though I know I did the right thing, I feel weird and alone for the first time in ages. She is doing all kinds of nice things for me suddenly. I am afraid because I am weak-willed and she is manipulative and smart, and honestly I did love her at one time and we did have good times in the past, but that was a long time ago. How to stay strong? How long until I feel normal again? When can I realistically start dating? How do I fill all these shelves in the bathroom now?

Suddenly Single, Sparsely Decorated

Look at this as a new lease on life (and on your personal space). Know that you did the right thing, and that the worst is over. Getting the courage to face the inevitable breakup is much more difficult than sitting there and sucking up the shitty relationship, right? Now all you have to do is stay strong. No drunk dialing. No booty calls (don’t make ‘em, don’t take ‘em), no matter how good the sex was. Hell, any sex looks good after you’ve been without for a while, but remember to stay strong. There is a reason she moved out. You should probably just agree not to have any contact for a while.

Next, stay busy. Call your friends, go to the movies, take up yoga, learn to cook something you’ve never tried before, read all those books that have been decorating your bookshelf for so long. Eventually you will feel more comfortable living by yourself, and eventually you will meet somebody and you will date again. In the meantime it won’t be easy, but you will get there.

Oh, and the bathroom? Have you considered some kind of Franklin Mint collection? I know nothing regulates my bowels like devotional porcelain sculpture. Unless of course it’s a Princess Di music box.

Jyl Inov

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