originally published April 16, 2008

While out in downtown Athens this past weekend, I ran into three girls whom I used to date in the same bar. I'm not on speaking terms with two of these girls, and while both of these relationships ended for not too terrible reasons and included the common "I hope we can still be friends," the truth is that neither I nor they won't grow a pair (the technical term for being brave) and just go initiate conversation and begin the path back towards friendship. I want to ask what women think of their ex trying to be friends after a relationship? One reason I haven't broken the ice and started conversation with an ex is that I think I may come off as either cocky or desperate, or will just make a fool of myself, when in reality I would just like for a trip to the bar to not be awkward. I'm not trying to get back with these girls, or show them how much of a good time I'm having being single... any suggestions? Or is it just a case-by-case thing?

Sincerely,

A Dude

Dude, thanks so much for explaining what “growing a pair” means. I really do appreciate it. If you have any other technical terms you’d like to translate, feel free. I am just a girl, after all.

As for your exes, just be normal. Don’t ignore them, but don’t hang on them either. Say "hi" if you get close to them and move on like you would anybody else. The more you make a big deal out of it, the more they will.

A few difficult months after my ex-girlfriend left me, I decided to leave Athens for my sake and for hers. We hadn't spoken much since the break up and when we did it was unpleasant to say the least. Maybe I wanted some attention, but I decided to inform her of my departure. Surprisingly, we had a final tryst and I left. I thought our meeting held some intrinsic reconciliation. I didn't expect us to reunite (I've moved across the country), but I did think we could converse amicably, civilly and fondly. Apparently that's not the case. I keep breaking my self-imposed rule of no communication knowing the attempts are futile. I'm hung up on her and our memories from a distance. The silence between us is challenging me to accept the most feared ideas of her activities. The silence and the assumptions are the worst. (I don't mean to say that my world has halted and crashed; I'm doing quite well in other aspects of my life. I was hesitant to write this because most of the time I have a good grasp on my thoughts. I've even tried dating new women, but I've found them horribly insipid. I guess my questions are: Can anyone else identify with me? How can I stop thinking about her without falling in love with someone else? Do I really have to trash anything that reminds me of her to get over this? Should I even be looking for a new relationship now anyway? What am I supposed to do?

Get. Over. It. It’s called breakup sex, and you had it, and it was good. Now you have to stop.

That’s all. Just stop calling her, suffer, meet new people, suffer, and eventually the pain will let up. Can anyone relate to you? I don’t know, but I suspect you’re not nearly as “out there” as you think you are. You shouldn’t be looking for another relationship right now. That would be a rebound, and it would likely not be good. Spend some time alone, explore your new hometown, and try to occupy yourself with something other than imagining who your ex is with now. Easier said than done? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely. Do you have to trash everything that reminds you of her? I don’t know you well enough to answer that, but it might be cathartic. Maybe you can start by putting those things in a box somewhere and not opening it for at least a year. This shit isn’t easy, but most everybody goes through it. Eventually it will get easier.

I am a regular reader of your column, and typically, I find your remarks witty and insightful. However, you made a comment in your response to "Sick of You Already" that was completely offensive. Using the word "retards" to describe people who are socially inept is offensive and degrading to people who have developmental disabilities. In the future, I hope that you will choose your words more carefully, rather than perpetuate the use of this offensive term. Thanks.

I appreciate your insight, oh, anonymous one, but I Google-searched the phrase “social retard” and you know what? One of the first things that came up was an article about the effects of home schooling on children - and whether or not it retards their social skills. So just for you, my anonymous and easily offended politically correct friend, I will now refer to social retards as “the home schooled.” Is that good enough for you?

One: I think you are unfair in a heartless sort of way in most of your responses lately. It's like you don't believe in love at all. Just had to put that out there. Two: I wrote to you last year one night when I was frustrated about this guy I had previously dated. My entry wasn't completely honest or true; basically I was pissed and hoped that my published question would "get to" the guy. It worked. You called me immature then, and I'm sure you would call me immature now. I'm not. I'm just creative in my shit-talking, which is something lots of people, including grown-ups, do. I see this guy around every now and then and it's usually awkward; actually it's always awkward, and I always want to apologize. I am over the harsh feelings and would like to be friends-in-passing. Or should I just let it go? I just hate having that negativity out there, you know?

MC

One: no, you didn’t have to put that out there. But you chose to anyway. Two: when I called you immature, I left out stupid, self-congratulatory and home-schooled. And you wonder why I’m so freaking negative.

Let the guy go, Mensa Candidate. He let you go a long time ago.

Jyl Inov

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