originally published March 26, 2008

I have a good life, but that isn't the problem. The problem is my past. Someone who knew me back when I was a slut contacted me recently. It really bothered me because it reminded me of the way I used to be (cringe). I've renounced my bad old ways and have been living straight for six years. Unfortunately the old "friend" knew me from before. When I think about what kind of person I used to be, I get really depressed. Can one ever live down a sketchy past? I give to a charity every month and consider myself to be a reasonably good person (except for the sluttiness). Any advice would be much appreciated.

You can’t erase your past, so you just have to learn to live with it. You sound like you’re on the right track. Probably not responding to your old friend would be better, since their contact elicited such a visceral response. Just accept who you once were and be happy that you aren’t that person anymore. Remember that who you were then is part of the reason why you are who you are now. You’ve learned from your mistakes and you’re doing fine. Forgive yourself and keep moving forward.

I am a 21-year-old college student living here in Athens. I don't consider myself "hot," but I think I am a good-looking guy. I am dependable, I play guitar and the piano, I am learning French, I am very open minded... so I have a few things going pretty good for me. My problem is that 99.9 percent of the time, the girls I start talking to always become just another good friend. I haven't dated anyone in three years, because the last time I was dating someone they completely screwed me over and it hurt pretty bad. It was worse to know she didn't even care that she hurt me as bad as she did.

I'm not a picky person, but I want to find the right girl for me. I am about to move out of the country for about nine months for school in a unique profession. I am very happy with that part of my life, but I find myself feeling lonely quite often, and tend to hide how sad I am. I am confident in myself, but lately that has been slowly going away. I am outgoing and have no problem making friends and meeting new people, but it seems all the girls I meet think I am cool/ fun/ unpredictable, etc... yet always end up as a friend and nothing more. I think I am ready for a committed relationship. Is there anything I can do to lean more towards a relationship rather than a friendship? Thanks!

Just a Little Lonely

JALL, you say you haven’t dated anyone in three years because you got screwed over. So, what you’re telling me is that you are choosing not to have a serious relationship because you had a bad one, which is crazy. We all get hurt. You have to get over it and move on. You learn from stuff like that - it sucks, but it’s good for you too, in a way.

You have to stop making “good friends,” and try having some damned dates. The only way you’re going to find Ms. Right is by trying out Ms. Right Now. For fuck’s sake ask a girl out, man! You’re only 21!

You’re about to be in another country for nine months, so that’s probably a good start. Meet some new people, try some new things. Try new food, dance on a table, ask some bitches out. Pretend you’re not “the friend guy” for nine months and see how it goes. Take some risks. If you fall on your face, at least you’ll have some interesting memories - plus, you’ll have great stories to tell when you come back. And chicks love great stories.

Confidential to Anonymous Guy:

I think you’re both in a rut, and you need to talk to each other about your frustrations and expectations. You need to defend yourself to her, not me. But do it in a calm and rational way, so she actually hears you. Obviously you are not a monster, or even a cheater. However, you may want to try “looking at girls” in a less interactive way henceforth. (You can see why that might be threatening, right?)

Part of the problem is that she comes home and tells you all about her day, and obviously you aren’t telling her all about yours, and she’s left to skulk through your computer, wondering what you’ve been up to.

I know that isn’t fair, but she needs a sounding board, so let her vent a little, then try showing her around and telling her what you’ve done. Perhaps, if you explain a bit more, she will understand that it is, in fact, a lot of work, and maybe she’ll stop taking it for granted. Try setting a “bitch limit.” Like, give yourselves one hour after you both get home to bitch about your respective workdays, then move on to reading, relaxing, or whatever.

Finally, the sex part is an easy fix. Just do it. Go out, have dinner, come home, have sex. It really can be that simple. Make the time to relax and enjoy each other a little. You guys obviously really care about one another. You just have to communicate and get through this shit so you can start enjoying yourselves again.

Jyl Inov

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