originally published March 19, 2008

First, a note to readers who write me letters, then work out the problem, then write again and beg me not to print their letters: People, I am on a deadline here, and I don’t check these messages every hour. So, if I write the column on the day you first send the letter, I send it in and it goes to print. Most of the time I never see the retraction until much too late. That said, you can try to retract, and if it’s not too late then I will do my best to pull your letter. (Obsession, I’m talking to you. I’m glad you got your stuff worked out, but the column was long gone before I got your next letter. Sorry). Think this stuff through before you send it. Or, just forget about it. Whether or not you realize it, many people have many of the same problems, so nobody will ever know you’re the one who wrote a particular letter unless you tell them.

Okay, so I have a problem! I have been dating this guy for about five months now and he is wonderful. He is caring, sincere, respectful, and he's great to be around. All in all he treats me like a queen. But this really isn't the problem! The problem is that I still think about my ex, a lot! I mean he was a total douche, he dumped me and then got with a 17-year-old girl - by the way he's 32! He treated me like shit towards the end, but the first year and a half were great for the most part. I mean we had awesome sex, I could talk to him about anything, and I do mean anything.

Now here is the deal, he is in jail right now and she has been by his side, and I have just tried to get on with my life and this new guy. So why do I still think of, and care about, my ex so much? Yes, my ex and I shared a great connection, but in the end, it just wasn't enough. What is wrong with me to still think of him? I'm not sure I want to be with him (even if there was a chance)! I am afraid that I am going to push the new guy away if I'm not careful.

HELP ME!

Sad & Confused

You’re just going to have to wait this out, Sad. Obviously you’ve been burned, and getting replaced by a 17-year-old is pretty humiliating. Whatever. His loss, your gain, and now you don’t have to get felt up by an angry government worker when you go visit him in jail! (He sounds like quite a charmer, by the way - I can see why you miss him). Just continue to enjoy the new guy and eventually you’ll forget the ex.

I have a problem. I'm about to be 19 and I'm in my first year at UGA. My problem is that I have a thing for older men. There's one guy in particular who is 30, but I'm also attracted to several other men that are between the ages of 26–35. One of which is a teacher of mine who is extremely gorgeous. I have let the main guy I like know, and he has an issue with our age difference. I've even tried mentioning just having a physical relationship with this person in hope that it will blossom into something more from there, but he won't give it a chance. I'm not completely sure why I'm not attracted to men my age. Should I just give up for awhile, try making it work with guys my age, or wait it out with the older guys and see what happens?

Sincerely,

The Lover of Older Men

Okay, slow down girl! Jeebus! You just got here. First of all, 26 isn’t that much older than 19, but 30 to 35 is pushing it. You have a lot of growing up to do, and most guys that age don’t want to develop a relationship with you and decide they’re ready to settle down and have kids just in time for you to graduate and go “find yourself.” Say what you will, but this shit happens. And it will happen to you.

Now, that said, you’re in a college town, and you’re a college girl. The world is your shellfish! Steer clear of the teacher until you’re done with his class. That could get him into trouble, and there’s nothing sexy about getting a guy fired and ruining his career. Also, hoping that a physical relationship will magically “blossom” into something else is naïve. It’s not impossible, but the chances are slim, so forget about it. If you want to fuck older guys, there are plenty of them out there who are into it, believe me. Many of them are my drinking buddies. Date guys that want to date you. And don’t write off guys your own age just out of principle, because that would make you a big ole’ hypocrite. Happy shopping. Oh, and don’t forget the condoms.

CONFIDENTIAL TO E.M:

No way for me to answer “via the website,” so I hope this is anonymous enough for you. Sounds like you are doing well. If the friend specifically said not to rush, maybe you could ask why. Find out where previous guys have made errors. Look for a little more guidance.

On the other hand, maybe you should just ask her out and quit with all this pussyfooting around. There’s no reason why you can’t take another step without it immediately becoming a serious relationship. You said that you had definitely felt tension. Kiss her! Fuck it! I mean hell, if you already get along so well as friends, one kiss won’t kill the friendship, right? But if you wait too long, well that’s another story. Atrophy can kill a potential relationship more effectively than one awkward kiss. That’s a much bigger risk. If she’s not into it right now, at least it will get your cards on the table, right?

Jyl Inov

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