originally published February 27, 2008

My boyfriend and I generally get along great. Our only problem is that when we fight, we fight only over stupid, small things. Do you have any advice on how to prevent stupid arguments from getting the best of us? And what have you found is the best way to clearly communicate what/how you feel to your partner? Sometimes I have trouble doing so (I don't think it's because I'm inarticulate, but more along the lines of our personality differences). I'm afraid that all of these little arguments and the miscommunication will add up to one big misery fest - when we'd really like to continue dating. Thanks.

Frequent Reader Seeking Help

Communicating is the hardest thing to learn. The first thing you have to remember is that unless one of you is a passive-aggressive asshole, neither of you really means to get the other person mad. You have to take a step back, in the moment, and think, “Now, I know I asked him not to leave his socks in the dining room, but really, they are just socks, and surely he just did it out of habit, or by accident.” Then you can remind him very gently, while you are putting his socks wherever it is that you prefer he keep them, to please, please not leave them in the dining room. See? Simple. No yelling, no taking things personally, no getting bent out of shape. The same thing applies when one of you says something that offends the other. You have to remove the emotion for a minute, remember that you care about each other and that if he really meant it that way, then he wouldn’t have said it. Then calmly explain how the remark sounded to you, how it made you feel, and how he could have communicated the same thing without totally pissing you off.

Do keep in mind that “personality differences” might also just mean you aren’t compatible, though. No matter what your feelings or how long your relationship has been going, it is possible that it just wasn’t meant to be. Chekhov once said, “Any idiot can face a crisis - it’s day-to-day living that wears you out.” If your day-to-day with this guy wears on you that much, it might be time to move on.

I was wondering, is it weird for a woman to propose to a man? I have been married before, and I left my husband for a man with whom I wound up having a daughter. She is fabulous, she is my life. Unfortunately, her father was not what I thought. He simply shook me out of the doldrums I had been experiencing in my (too young) marriage. So, now I have been a single mom, very involved with my daughter and my job, and not much else. I have gotten to know myself better. I am older and wiser, and I am now madly in love with a man whom I have been dating for a couple of months. He is younger than I am, but we are perfect together. He is more adult than any man I have previously dated, and he and my daughter get along quite well. The only question I have is whether or not it is appropriate for me to ask. I think he would marry me. I think, given enough time, that he would ask. But I don’t want to wait. I know he loves me. I am very sure about my feelings for him, but I fear that asking him might be in some way stealing his moment. Should I wait?

Unsigned

It is unusual, but I don’t necessarily think I would call it weird. If things are going well, and you think he is ready to take the step, then go ahead and ask. Your relationship is already non-traditional, and he seems comfortable with that. If he is mature and secure enough to handle an “older woman” and her (not his) offspring, then one would assume he would not be turned off by your popping of the proverbial question. If, however, you think he is more traditional, or that he might not be ready (you know this better than I do), then maybe you should hold off and let him steer for now. Seems like you having been doing just fine by going with your instincts up to now, so I think you should continue to do so.

So, I’m fairly new in town. I met this girl at a place where I eventually ended up working, and she seemed really cool. She asked me to hang out a few times, and I did. No big deal. I wasn’t sure what she wanted, but then like a month later she made it pretty clear that she had, uh, set her sights on me, or whatever. I had left a girlfriend in the place I used to live, so I kept my distance for a while. The girlfriend at home became the ex pretty soon. I still saw the girl here pretty often. We hung out more. We ended up dating. And now, after all this time, I figured out that she has quite a reputation. Sort of a man-eater, I guess. Not that she doesn’t really like the guys she dates, but maybe that she has really liked more guys than I am totally comfortable with. She has lived here for like five years. I totally like her and we get along great. Everything is cool, but this new information is kind of weird for me. I believe she really likes me - I do. She waited a long time for me to come around. Am I being paranoid?

Flavor of the Year?

You’re not being paranoid, FOTY, you’re being naïve. What you’re saying is that your girlfriend isn’t a slut, but she has been the girlfriend of a lot of guys you know. Serial monogamist? So sue her! It’s not like she’s had a one-night stand with every guy at work, right? She has been in town for five years, and once you’re here for five years, you will understand what a rare and delicate flower an otherwise great relationship is. I know it feels weird, but think of Athens as an extension of high school and you will quickly get over it. No matter what your social group, this place is much smaller than it seems, and you are bound to run into exes (yours and those of your significant other) all the time. Befriend them. It’s much easier. Don’t ruin a good thing.

Jyl Inov

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