originally published February 13, 2008

I'm in a long-distance relationship with no solution in sight. She lives literally halfway across America; I'm grounded in the South with a new job, and my family lives here as well. I really think I've found the one; she's my best friend and we're both very attracted to one another. We love each other, but don't know what to do. How can I make this work?

Mack

You haven’t said why she can’t move, Mack. Is she in school? Or does she have a job, too? Bottom line is that if this situation doesn’t have a defined end in sight (like a graduation, for example) then you have to decide to either go for it or not. I know you have a new job, and your family lives here, and that’s great. But you have to weigh the importance of these things versus possibly having found your future wife. If you’re serious and you think this might be it, then you should consider going for it. Move to her, move her to you, or meet in the middle. You can always get another job, and if things don’t work out, you can move back. But if you continue to try long-distance indefinitely, how are you ever going to know? And how are you going to have a life?

From the Aw, Shucks file:

This is more of a commentary than a question, but in light of the fact that Valentine's Day is around the corner, I thought you might appreciate it. During the 2002-2003 timeframe, I was another one of those poor bitches who wrote you a letter complaining about her shitty boyfriend who treats her like shit. I wrote you not one or two, but many letters about the person I was dating at the time. Eventually, I realized that the problem was me, not him. I couldn't get away from the guy! I was an idiot. Yes, he was a mentally abusive, psychotic, narcissistic, coke-headed, frat boy wannabe that I had convinced myself that I was in love with.

It makes me sad that I was this foolish, but I have been reading all of the back issues of Reality Check dating back to May 2007 and I see a lot of girls with the same problem. (By the way, I love reading it. It's especially fun to read several of them back to back. You're pretty clever.) You gave me some pretty great advice back then that I failed to take until I actually moved away from Athens and aforementioned asshole. This is the basic gist of what you told me: No matter who the person is, if they make you feel worthless or treat you like shit, DON'T PUT UP WITH IT. RUUUNNNN! If you notice your friends are starting to retreat from you and/or are tired of you crying (literally) all the time, then you have a serious problem. Get away from the person ASAP!!! It's totally not worth it to "have someone" if they diminish your self worth.

You should be happy to know that since this toxic relationship and a couple of other failed non-toxic relationships, I have met someone wonderful. He can only be described as the love of my life and I am happy that I can spend the rest of my life with him, but if I hadn't have kicked Douchebag the Boy Wonder to the curb, I would have never have known that. And isn't that just terrible?

Thanks!

Dedicated (Nearly to the Point of Being Creepy) Reader

Hey DR, thanks for the kind words.

And in light of the coming “holiday," yours are important words to hear. The reason why I loathe this particular “holiday” is because of its implications for so many people. People (especially women) who are unattached feel shitty about not being attached. People who are in relationships have huge expectations and huge fears - the right gift, the perfect setting, popping important questions, etc. And even worse, people who are not happy can easily be convinced that everything is okay by the simple purchase (and therein lies the real gist of this “holiday”) of a dozen red roses. Basically, it is an affirmation of many of the worst things about us as individuals, as parts of couples, and as consumers. So remember this folks: abusive assholes are still abusive assholes, no matter how lovely and thoughtful the gift (“It’s a rose… no wait, it’s a pair of cheap crotchless red panties!!! Oh honey you shouldn’t have!!”). The same goes for cheaters, and addicts, and everybody else who will never really make us happy. You don’t have to listen to me, readers, but if you do you may just save yourself $50 and a whole lot of bullshit.

1. I love you, you're the best.

2. Do you think that someone being insanely bitter about an ex (they broke up about a year ago) is synonymous with still having feelings for them? One part of my brain tells me that someone can be bitter about things and be over it, but another thinks the contrary. I know I haven't given you backstory, but it's the basic boy dates girl, boy loves girl, girl strings boy along, and then girl breaks up with boy. The boy is my current boyfriend.

Thanks,

Just Needs Clarification

It is possible, JNC, but it depends. Are you two otherwise happy? And is this something that he talks about all the time, or are we talking about anger and discomfort when you run into her at the grocery store? Is it interfering with your relationship? Do you see her a lot? Were the circumstances such that you can understand a level of bitterness, or is he still making a big deal out of something that should have been over a long time ago? Mostly it depends on his ability to (eventually) become less bitter and focus on what he does have - you. Have you talked about this with him at all? If you feel pretty good overall about how things are going between you, then you should tell him (gently) that it makes you feel weird and that maybe he needs to get over it. If you bring it up and it winds up being a big deal, then he probably does still have feelings for her. Good Luck.

Jyl Inov

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