originally published January 23, 2008

Thank you for your advice, Jyl. It's nice to know that one's voice has been heard. It takes the edge off. It's cliché but, with the New Year came new beginnings and a rebirth. Over the holidays, I met someone who will hopefully prove a good friend in the coming months, if not years. Also, before the first week of the New Year was out, I got back in touch with an old and dear friend. We resolved our differences and, hopefully, will keep our friendship for good.

But none of this came before finding myself completely alone at the end of last semester, with literally no one to turn to. To be honest, though, I think it took me hitting that rock-bottom in order for me to see my way out. Things haven't gotten easier; I still have some adjusting to do. Nevertheless, life seems to have taken a turn for the better.

Not-so-Alone in the World

Thanks for the followup, man. Sounds like you’re on the right track. Corny as it may sound, sometimes you gotta hit bottom before you can get up. Glad you’re doing better.

I wanted to let you know that I thought your response to Lonely Wing Woman was great, thoroughly on point. I also have a question though, I've been dating this guy for about five months and we were about to switch from using condoms to using an oral contraceptive. What's the best way to ask him if he's been tested for STDs? I know I should have asked him before now and there's no excuse for not doing so. Any words of wisdom would help. Thanks. What's a good pseudonym for that?

Safe Sex Sister?

You should both go. Not only will it be easier to ask him to do it if you volunteer to do it, too, but it’s the smart thing to do.

I loved your response to the unfortunate lady with the egomaniac friend, the one who is so cool that every guy in the world is in love with her, yet is so "awesome" that she doesn't realize that occasionally her friend might want the cream of the crop. That ho sucks.

And your response reminded me so much of what mine would have been, though you didn't put such a fine point on it. My take is this: if women are going to (deservedly) get credit for being the intuitive sex, you can't for a second think that this bitch doesn't know EXACTLY what she is doing, basically at all times. At my cutest in my early 20s, I always had good luck with men. You know why? Because I was attracted to guys that would be attracted to me, and I knew when I had a chance. I got to mess around with every guy I wanted to.

Women are amazingly aware of their options, especially attractive ones. I miss my adorable days. But in the meantime, screw that girl. Your response was right on. I always like your answers, but this is one close to my heart. I'm the biggest feminist I know (except maybe my husband) and I think it's a goddamn shame the women still fool each other/ don't acknowledge publicly the incredible insightful power that they wield.

On a personal note, I wonder how you came upon this job? I really don't want to have to work in my job forever. It's actually a good one, but I'd really rather have an advice column, if I'm going to be honest. I think I'd be good at it. I'm good at advice for my friends as it is; I can't imagine how good I'd be if I didn't have to look them in the face. Ha.

Kat

P.S. Thanks for the entertainment week after week!

Thanks for the encouragement, Kat. Now, I have a few issues to raise regarding your response.

Do you think that being attracted to guys that you knew would be attracted to you was choice or chance? Forgive my confusion, but I am trying to figure out how that relates to Wing Woman’s problem. It seems to me that you are saying you were smart enough to know your limits, to know who was in and who was out of your league? And knowing that, you went after what you knew you could get and were successful. That’s what I call common sense, and what I assume you mean by intuition.

In terms of women’s innate intuition and insightfulness, though, how would you explain the author of the letter? You referred to the Wing Woman as “unfortunate," but that’s more forgiving than I am willing to be. People get what they settle for, and if that’s the kind of friend she settles for, well, that has nothing to do with fortune. (It may be that you were using “unfortunate” in the euphemistic, “bless her heart” way that mammas refer to their thicker offspring, but I couldn’t tell.)

I agree that feminism is (partially) not stabbing other women in the back in order to get what you want, but I think it also means demanding a little more of our fellow (wo)man. Think about it: What would your reaction be if that question had come from a guy? I think “pussy” would come before “poor thing," don’t you? So should we treat WW any differently just because she’s female? I think not. I wish all women would wake up, because dimwitted doormats hurt our collective cause as much as ruthless attention whores.

Oh, and the job? I asked for it.

I know that my girlfriend is still friends with her ex, and it bothers me a lot. We have talked about it. We have had fights about it. I am trying to get over it. But last weekend she went out with “her friends” and he was there and she didn’t tell me. She just made it sound like it was a group thing and she never mentioned that he would be there, and she didn’t tell me she had seen him when she got home that night. I found out because another friend of hers mentioned it in front of me, and now I am pissed and I feel lied to. She said that she didn’t lie and I say that’s just a matter of semantics. What do you think?

My God, I HATE That Guy

Gee, I can’t imagine why your girlfriend would fail to mention to you that the guy she used to date, with whom she is still friendly, and over whom the two of you have fought more than once, happened to be involved in a group outing that she attended, can you? Were I your girlfriend, I would certainly have come home that night and declared with a bright smile, “Hi, honey, I’m home! I had a great time tonight with all of my friends and Bob, my ex that you hate but who is still my friend. Wow am I glad I went!”

Because clearly you are very rational when it comes to this subject, and clearly not just honesty, but full disclosure, is the best policy.

Seriously man, you have to get over it or get a new girlfriend. You either trust her or you don’t, and fighting about this all the time is not going to make him go away.

Jyl Inov

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