originally published January 9, 2008

I'm infatuated with one of my boyfriend's close friends. I've kept it to myself, and I don't think my boyfriend or his friend knows. The friend would never be interested in me; I'm not his type and he would never hurt my boyfriend. It's hurting my relationship with my boyfriend because I'm not interested in sex anymore. Any words of wisdom on forgetting the guy who isn't interested and trying to make things better with the one who is? Thanks,

Anonymous

Are you sure you wouldn’t dump your boyfriend if you thought you did have a shot with this guy? Because it kind of sounds like you might. I know you don’t want to hurt anybody, but you have to ask yourself what the problem really is. It might be that you need to refocus your energy, put some spice back into the relationship, and everything will be fine. Maybe you’re just bored? This could be just a bump in the proverbial relationship road, right? In which case, you need to decide to get in the mood and be interested in sex again. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but sometimes spontaneous tingling doesn’t just happen, and you have to make an actual effort to go at it. Set some time aside, kick out the roommates, make a good meal, take a bath together, swap massages, etc. See if you can’t get back to where you want to be with this guy. Talk to him more. Ask more questions. Read to each other. Explore new things together.

If that doesn’t work (By that I mean the whole refocusing effort, not the one date night. Whatever you do don’t put that much pressure on it or in all likelihood it will be a total disaster.), then consider the fact that the relationship may have run its course, and rather than wasting any more of his time while you lust after his unavailable friend, you might need to bow out and move on.

My problem is I have this awesome best friend, who is gorgeous and witty, but very tough. She is so gorgeous that when we go out at night, every guy in the bar hits on her, which means she can have any guy in the bar she wants. Meanwhile, I'm on the sidelines, and every time I find someone I like, that guy sees her, and that's it. So our friendship, she has had many relationships, and every guy I end up with is a douchebag. Don't get me wrong, she is always trying to get me to talk and flirt with the guys (I’m a little shy at first), but the guys she thinks are cute (the ones she tells me to go talk to), I don't think are cute or interesting at all! Also, the guys I like fall for her and I don't even have a chance!

Before we met, I would go out by myself, and I had no trouble talking to guys and getting dates. So on the few occasions that I get with a guy, she freaks him out with her threats that she will "beat him up if he hurts me." I know she is looking out for me and has my best interest in mind. I know I might sound boy-crazy, but it gets lonely after 20 years of nothing. I don't want to lose my friendship over this, but when I mention, "Hey can you not flirt with this guy, because I really like him?” her response is something along the lines of she is sorry but he started hitting on her and she really likes him, too. But when it comes down to it: I'm never going to find someone to be with, and she is going to have the whole town!

Lonely Wing (Woman)

P.S. Please make this confidential. My friend reads Flagpole, and everybody knows her (because of her popularity).

Holy crap, LWW, where do I start?

I am not going to make this confidential, because you are describing half of the female population of Athens and there is no way in hell your “friend” is going to know this is about her. In fact, you may be saving whole legions of doormat, wallflower, wing women from their tyrannical, idiotic, full-of-shit, act like they’re all sweet and well-meaning but really they’re so desperate for the attention of every male in existence because their daddies didn’t love them enough that they’d just as soon shiv you and leave you to bleed to death in the shower as see you steal their spotlight, bimbo “friends."

These friends, who are usually only marginally better looking (not that it matters either way), are well aware of what they are doing when they say things like “I’ll beat you up if you hurt her!” It’s a ploy. It’s coy. It’s flirting. It’s like holding up a big sign that says “What about ME? Over here? With the low-cut shirt? Am I not sticking my boobs out enough?”

Stop. Just stop. Stop talking to guys you aren’t interested in because she thinks they are cute. She is using you, the “shy” one, as an in. She’s playing off of you, and it’s working. And stop telling her which guys you like and then letting her go in for the kill. She is obviously doing it on purpose, so either use it against her (by going straight for the loudmouth asshole who is pounding tequila shots), or stop playing the game altogether. Also, stop blaming her. You are complicit in this whole thing. The guys you go out with are all douchebags? Really? And you are going out with them why, exactly? Is it because you are so desperate for attention and a free meal and to prove to yourself that you are a worthy and interesting person, that you would go out with somebody you’re really not interested in? It sounds to me like you and a douchebag might just be a match made in heaven.

Okay, you mention “20 years of nothing.” Are you 40? Because you sound more like 20, in which case you haven’t been looking for anything for 20 years. Get off your cross. You’re young. Dating is hard. But it will get easier when you stop acting like an idiot. (Incidentally, if you are 40, get help. Professional help. Now. Do not pass Go.)

Last but not least, go find a new friend. This girl is a bitch and a nightmare, and no matter how “awesome” you claim to find her, she treats you like shit and you let her get away with it and the relationship is not healthy. Seriously. Break up with her.

Jyl Inov

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