originally published December 19, 2007

Greetings from the Great White North. Jyl is off on a road trip somewhere (I think she’s at the beach, that bitch), and she has once again asked me to dispense my wisdom in her place. Thanks for being here. -- Jack

Why is it that humans feel a need to lie, especially to people they say they want to be with, instead of accepting the truth as the best answer? Yes, I would rather be told if someone was dying, rather than being told a fallacy. I've always been that way.

Anyway, recently, I walked in on my significant other cheating on me. This person can't see why I was so upset, even after knowing I don't trust many humans (I don't consider myself human) and yet still decided that a committed relationship would be cool. And now that the other guy is moving, she's trying this whole, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, blah, blah, blah."

I am so sick of that crap!! Why can't people, just say what they mean? Why the games that do nothing but hurt people you say you want to be with? It's bullshit, and really makes me want to do nothing but go around and smack you so-called humans.

Sorry, but what can I tell this girl without being too mean? Stay away and go die? I know there is no real nice way.

OZ

So let me get this straight, OZ (I assume this is short for whatever species it is you identify as): your girlfriend is terminal, and she lied to you about it and slept with some other dude? And you actually physically saw it? Yikes. You have to get rid of her. Just because that guy is moving doesn’t mean she won’t cheat on you with somebody else. And just because she’s dying doesn’t mean she gets to screw you over. Never mind being nice. You don’t need to say anything. Just walk away. You are completely justified. Don’t tell her to stay away and go die, though, because that would make you the bad guy, and up to now you haven’t done anything wrong. Not every human sucks like that. Find one that doesn’t.

P.S. I don’t recommend smacking me or my sister, unless you’re like Alien or Predator or something. ‘Cause we will mess you up.

My boyfriend is an idiot. But I enjoy the sex, so I put up with his being brain-challenged. However, the ethics of the matter do sometimes obtrude upon my mind. Aside from the intimacy of the old in-out, in-out, I don't really care for the guy all that much. So am I being fair to him, decent with myself? Or when it comes to a casual, convenient lay, perhaps such considerations as fairness, honesty or decency don't really appertain? In no way would I be cynical, but my guess is that you will either ignore my letter, or you might respond that if I have qualms as to doing something, then don't do it. I suppose what I am asking is how often or how readily does meaningless sex translate into meaningful love?

I have in mind the movie Lady Jane, where a first encounter of obviously raw sex continues on to a seeming genuine love, but how real is this? Also, I wonder how many viewers caught the subtlety of the cuckoo calling in the background when Lady Jane went for a first look at the gamekeeper's cabin.

I think I hear a cuckoo right now. What is your problem? Either you like the guy or you don’t. You can’t keep having sex with him in hopes that he’ll get smarter. If you want casual sex, that’s fine. But don’t try to pretend it’s anything more than that. And don’t pretend to him that it is, either. Lust can precede love, but not unless you also have caring and respect, which you obviously don’t. Besides, how intimate can it be if you refer to it as “the old in-out, in-out” anyway? (For the record, we call it “The old in-and-out.”) Are you absolutely certain that he’s the dumb one? Let the poor guy off the hook already, would ya?

I have been dating this guy for five months and everything is going great. I really like him, actually, I would say I love him. This is my problem, I want him to tell me that. I've been in a relationship where I said it first, and let's just say I will never do it again. When do most people say it so I can just chill out and stop expecting him to say it any minute?

Waiting

There is no specific time frame, Waiting. Realistically, you probably know that, and you’re just looking for me to give you an arbitrary time so you can get all frantic about it then. The whole “I said it first before and I will never do it again” thing is a copout. Oh, you got hurt, you freaked somebody out, whatever. Boohoo. It has happened to everybody (well, okay, most people) at least once, and it is not an excuse. Jyl once had a dude freak out on her and bolt after a month because she brought him a souvenir deck of cards from Vegas. (She’s going to kill me for writing that, but he doesn’t live here so suck it up, sis! This is what you get for leaving me in charge!) It happens. If you feel that weird about it, don’t say it. But don’t try trapping me or him into some kind of Jack Bauer ticking-clock scenario. It won’t work. Feel free to chill out anyway, though. I am sure it will make you more lovable.

Jack Inov

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