originally published October 24, 2007

I am but a mere 19 summers old, and (I wouldn't be here if I didn't need to be), I require your advice. In order for you to understand, I need to tell you my life's story in super-simplified form. Here we go:

At 16: I "came out." I liked this guy and he told me he liked me and all was good. Except he had a boyfriend. He told me he was going to dump him for me, and being a stupid 16-year-old, I believed him. He lied. He used me during the stressful part of his relationship and then dropped me when it became smooth sailing. Still 16, but months later, I fell in love. We'll call him WAYNE. I love(d) him. I lost my virginity to him. I still think about him from time to time (the 10th was his birthday) and we talk occasionally, but when we dated, he constantly cheated on me. He emotionally and psychologically abused me, or so I've been told. He used me as a boyfriend to help him through his emotional and stressful times like a good boyfriend should - and slept with just about every gay man we knew.

At 18: I met this guy. He looked and acted exactly like WAYNE, even down to the strangest and minute details. I started to fall head-over-heels; I even confessed my past (see above). He decided to repeat the sins against me and mess with my mind and toyed with my heart. I fell apart and completely shut down. He used me as an emotional support to break-up with his boyfriend.

At 19: I took this class and there was a TA… You know the story. We waited until the class was over before we started to see each other. He was nice and kind, and NOTHING like any of the guys I've ever dated! He just ended a long-standing relationship, and was very interested in pursuing me. So we dated. He then, for no reason, dumped me. I just recently found out that he was using me to cheat on his boyfriend, the one he said he broke up with…

Anyway, now I get to my problem: I like this new guy. He works at a certain restaurant downtown. I get the feeling that he is interested in me, what with the constant flirting.

I REALLY am starting to actually like him. However, my past keeps coming back to haunt me. He might not be single. I don't know. All I know is that when I first met him (a few months ago), he was with a boy. When he started to flirt with me, I found out he and his boyfriend were going through "a lot of fighting… they probably won't last…" (I got that from a friend who knows him.) Now (about three weeks of flirting), I don't know what to do. I like him. He seems to like me, but I am too afraid to open up my heart when all it has ever gotten me is pain (the above is my entire dating history). What should I do? If he asks me out, should I say yes? I should definitely make sure he is single before we do anything, right? I know it is a painfully simple problem and it's stupid of me to worry, but…

The one thing I want right now is a healthy relationship. It's the only thing I've never had.

CTTI

First thing - find out for sure what his status is. Does he have a boyfriend? If so, run away. Far away. Quickly. If he doesn’t, and he is only recently broken up, then proceed with extreme caution. Do not fool around with him. Get to know him first, see if you are really compatible. Make sure that he is over his ex. Be honest with him. You have a history of being a Rebound Boy, and you don’t want to go through it again. Feel him out. Ask some other people what they know. Hell, that’s about the only advantage to dating in a small town, CTTI, so you might as well use it. If it feels like things are good and he is being honest, then go for it. Yes, you may get hurt again, but that’s pretty much the risk we all take. And it’s also the only way you’re ever going to meet somebody who won’t shit on you. That’s why dating sucks so much: it’s just a series of experiences that aren’t ideal, hopefully leading up to one that is. Good luck.

I have been in a relationship for a year and a half now. About a year into it, my boyfriend suggested that we live together. He was the one who brought it up, and honestly, I wasn't even thinking about it at first, but he got me excited about it and I thought it was more or less settled that it would happen next year. Now he says he needs to "think about it," because he's thinking about it realistically, unlike when he suggested it at first. He cites certain obstacles, such as my parents' reaction and the increased amount of rent he'd be paying, but these obstacles are going to exist regardless of when we move in together. I know there are obstacles, and I don't want to pressure him unnecessarily, but it seems like moving in together would be the next logical step in the relationship. If he decides to put it off, it means he's not as serious about us as I'd thought. I also want to live with him because it's the true test of a relationship. I don't want to invest my emotions in this for another year only to find out later that we fight like cats and dogs when we live together and it was all a waste. Do you think his second thoughts are legitimate, or does it mean something's wrong?

Movin' In or Movin' On

You could look at this as your boyfriend finally coming around to your way of thinking, couldn’t you? After all, you said that he is finally “thinking about it realistically," right? Now the problem is you don’t know why he’s suddenly being Mr. Realistic, and you’re afraid he’s changed his mind about the whole relationship in addition to the move. Normally, I would say don’t sweat it; if everything else is a-okay in the relationship, then you’re fine. But now his second thoughts are causing you to re-evaluate, and now you’re frustrated. I don’t think you can go back from here, MIOMO. Talk it out, but be prepared to move on.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check form here.