originally published October 17, 2007

When (if ever) do you think it's okay to be friends with an ex? I've got a friend who wouldn't have any friends if it weren't for all his ex's. But then I have another friend whose ex's won't give him the time of day. Is there ever a happy medium? Why do ex's always feel the need to be friends? What gives?

BFF

First of all, exes don’t always feel the need to be friends. I have a close friend who would rather never see any of his exes again, and has no interest in knowing how they are or what they are doing. He’s not bitter or anything - he’s just done with it. I also have friends who think that once you have shared your life and been intimate with a person, you have a bond with them and friendship is perfectly natural. I think it depends on the nature and quality of the relationship and the breakup. If you dated for a long time when you were both young, and you knew each other’s families and whatnot, and you break up because you have simply grown apart, then there is no reason why you shouldn’t be friends. (Which doesn’t mean that it can work, because often the new boyfriend or girlfriend in your life gets really pissed that you are still talking to your ex, and you have to either dump their insecure ass or stop talking to your ex.) On the other hand, a summer fling isn’t necessarily going to translate into lifelong friendship. Obviously, bad breakups featuring cheating and/or screaming matches and destruction of property are unlikely to be followed by anything approaching friendship, nor are one-sided breakups. There are happy mediums, BFF, but they’re fairly uncommon.

So I have somehow just realized that my girlfriend is an idiot. Well, not an idiot, exactly (she is quite book smart), but she does things that are very immature for her age (mid-twenties). She talks to me about guys who flirt with her as if I care or I am supposed to have a reaction or whatever. Her guy friends are really flirty with her in front of me and rub my face in it and she looks at me like I’m crazy when I get mad. We have been together for a couple of years, and lately we have been talking about finding a place together. Now I realize that she has habits that drive me crazy; friends that are complete dipshits whom I can’t stand being around and have no respect for; and although I still love her and find her incredibly sexy, I don’t know if I can stay with her. Am I just freaking out? What should I do?

Hesitating

First of all, cease and desist all conversation about cohabitation. If you are just freaking out, deciding not to move in together and talking it out with her might help you relax. Then have a serious talk with her about the stuff that’s bothering you. No accusations, just an honest discussion about the things that you need. Ask her how she feels and what you might do to make things better and be a better boyfriend. Keep in mind that you may just not be compatible, and that relationship may have already played itself out, in which case the best thing for both of you is to move on.

So my girlfriend dumped me because I wasn’t as interested in sex as she is. We are both in our late-twenties, and I don’t know what a “normal” sex drive is, but I work a lot of hours - different hours than she does, and she always wants to do it on her schedule. Just because I work late, she thinks that I am lazier somehow. I never complained when she didn’t want to do it when I get home at four in the morning, so I think it's unfair that she says I’m lazy or not attracted to her because I don’t want it before she goes to work at 8 a.m. I know she is frustrated because I am, too, but I love her and I was willing to wait or do it less because it meant something to me. Now she’s gone and I don’t know what to do. I think she might already have another guy, too. Before she left, she started wearing more makeup to work, fixing her hair, etc. Should I try to get her back? It seems like sex is a bad reason to throw away a year of your life.

Unsigned

Did you guys ever talk about this before it got to the point where you were fighting about it? If you didn’t, you might try talking about it now. If you did, and you came to an impasse, then it’s probably too late. You think she’s seeing somebody else? Are you sure? Can you ask her? If she isn’t, ask her if you can come over one morning and make her breakfast before work. Show her you’re willing to do it on her terms and see if she isn’t willing to try doing it on yours, too.

This is a good cautionary tale, though, for the rest of us. Rather than fighting about how you never do it, when you should do it, or why the other person is never in the mood at the right time, try locking the door, turning off the lights and getting busy.

Confidential to Once in Awhile Reader:

Don’t be so dramatic. Yes, attitudes about sex in our society, on the whole, are fairly casual. But that isn’t true for everybody. This isn’t anybody’s fault. And although there is a double standard when it comes to men and women and their attitudes about sex, not everyone buys into those stereotypes or falls neatly into a category. You and your ex are simply on different wavelengths, and you need to find somebody who shares your particular values. Next time, make sure you are very up front about your feelings about sex before you sleep with a girl.

Jyl Inov

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