originally published September 26, 2007

So, a few weeks ago, I was getting "intimate" with this guy I know. Everything was going fine, well, until he started exploring regions of my body that I prefer unexplored. What is with that? When is it okay to put your finger in THAT hole, or to try to put anything in that hole?… especially on the first time hooking up! I mean, I know that some people like that kind of thing, but I was wondering if it's just me, or is this acceptable first-time behavior? Sincerely,

ViolatedAndConfused

There is no set rule for “acceptable” first-time hookup behavior, VAC. Some people prefer to ease their way into things, while others dive right in. Do you mean to tell me that you didn’t stop the guy, and now you actually feel violated, or were you simply uncomfortable, and curious as to what would make him go there?

That sort of thing is pretty common these days, especially among the Evangelical set, where promises to retain “virginity” have merely made teenagers and young adults more adventurous than their parents and their non-Evangelical peers. In any case, you should only do what you’re comfortable doing, VAC, but you have to communicate that to your partner before he does something you don’t like.

I am a longtime reader who came out as bi a few years ago. I am perfectly happy seeing men most of the time, but it seems lately all I am catching is boys. Apparently, I have no gaydar at all when it comes to other women, and I will talk all night to some girl and never know which way she goes. I almost never make a move myself for fear of offending my waitress/ secretary/ best friend and getting myself blacklisted.

Do you have any advice on how to bust into the girl scene? It has been surprisingly difficult to do since almost all my friends are either straight couples or gay men. I'm getting a little frustrated.

Stuck Playin' It Straight

What exactly do you mean by blacklisted? Is there a special list somewhere for people who hit on people who aren’t interested? Are these offenders getting banned from the country club or what? I’m confused. I think your best bet is to start hanging out with some lesbians and making friends so you can get into the proverbial swing of things and perhaps improve your gaydar. If you don’t know where to do that in this town, you simply aren’t looking. It’s not like there’s a secret dyke hideout with a password or something. The “girl scene” is all over the place. Ask around.

I've got a girlfriend who acts like she's my boyfriend and I'm totally frustrated. I'm a heterosexual single female and my friend is supposedly hetero, too. She doesn't like going out with my other friends and is constantly making demands on my time and acting like I owe her more alone time than I owe myself (or anyone else). None of my other girlfriends are nearly as demanding as she is. Whenever I start dating someone new, she gets jealous that I'm spending way more time with a dude than I am with her. I know she's got low self-esteem, but I think her issues are much deeper than that. Do you think she's gay and just doesn't know it? I feel sorry for her, but there's only so much I can do. How should I handle this? Thanks,

Anomaly

Trying to psychoanalyze her isn’t going to help you at all. Just treat her like you would any friend who is being too clingy. Change things up. Make some plans, both alone and with other people, that don’t include her. When she cries about it, tell her she has to be more self-reliant and that you have to have time to yourself. She is not your responsibility, and the more you treat her like she is, the more she is going to believe it. And hanging out with her because you feel sorry for her isn’t really being her friend, being honest is. If you really think she has problems, gently suggest that she get help. Don’t wait until you are so frustrated that you are angry, because your friendship will already be over.

So I got dumped by my high-school sweetheart; I totally thought I was going to marry her. I left for school and decided I’m not going to let another girl do that to me again. I have spent a lot of time chasing a lot of women; I have had more one-night stands than I can even count, and now I am so bored I could shoot myself. My buddies are all jealous, because they never get as much action as I do, but I swear I don’t even know why I get anything anymore. I’m not really even trying. Girls will respond to anything. It has got to the point where I don’t even want to anymore, but now I just don’t want to go home alone because I haven’t had to (not for a whole week even) for so long. I know this sounds corny, but I feel like I want something real again and I forgot how to do it or even where to look. I don’t want these dumb hookup chicks anymore. Is that weird? Is there something wrong with me? How can I get what I really want?

W.B.

The first thing you need to do is spend some time alone. I mean alone alone, not just mentally. Put your dick in your pants and keep it there unless your bladder is full. Try having some female friends. Meet some women at work or in class with whom you can have an actual conversation. Try doing something other than getting drunk on the weekends. Read a book. Go to a movie. Think.

Then, after you have spent some serious time getting to know yourself and other people, find a girl that you actually want to date. You know, like a girl you can bring home to meet your parents. Ask her out. And go on from there. You may get hurt again - hell, you’ll probably get hurt again. But at least you’ll be able to live with yourself.

Jyl Inov

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