originally published August 29, 2007

I think it's crap that some people simplify guys by saying "all they really care about is sex." It seems to me that I've come across quite a few guys who would place sex somewhere in the middle of the priority list. Of course, there are a few who are clearly just looking for a roll in the hay, but even those guys seem to also be looking for something else (intimacy, comfort, etc). I also think the previously mentioned things apply equally to girls. So basically, my question is: do you think there really is such a big difference between guys and girls when it comes to what people want in relationships?? I think it depends on the individual person and that gender plays a minor role. Am I naive? Or blind to some truth that the rest of world has noticed?

WTF

The Onion, my favorite news source, has a bunch of new merchandise out right now. One of their t-shirts bears the slogan “Stereotypes Are A Real Time Saver.” That pretty much hits it on the head for me, WTF. Of course, individuals are different, but most of us fall pretty neatly into categories.

Guys are less likely to tie their emotions into sex, but there are plenty of women out there who are just as casual about it. Because of this difference, men are much more likely to feign deeper feelings in order to get a girl into bed. Women typically don’t do this because they don’t have to bother. This is due to the double standard that society has for men and women and higher numbers of sex partners.

Is there a difference between what men and women want in relationships? Not so much. The difference is the point at which men and women are ready or willing to actually be in a relationship. Men, especially younger ones, are less likely to want to be monogamous. Young women like sex just as much as young men, but most would be just as happy (if not happier) sleeping with the same person all the time. Part of this also has to do with the fact that women don’t get off as easily as men do, and practicing with the same partner makes it easier to get off every time. Most young guys either don’t know or don’t care enough about how to satisfy a woman sexually, which is why most “hookups” are not very mutually beneficial.

The important thing is to figure out what you want, communicate it to potential partners, and try not to get hurt. You probably will get hurt anyway, but that’s okay. It helps you grow as a person.

Boy and Girl work together. Girl thinks Boy is hot and so flirts shamelessly, then backs off (a strategic move). Boy comes out of shell and notices Girl and makes move. Girl accepts. Boy and Girl talk regularly and have slumber parties. Then Boy stops making effort because Boy "doesn't have to anymore." Girl notices but doesn't really care because Girl just wanted to have a good time with Boy anyways. Then Boy stops communicating with Girl. Girl wonders, but is unsure, until eventually it is clear: Boy has pretty much ditched Girl. Was Boy never really actually interested in Girl? Or did Boy realize Girl was never really actually interested in Boy? Or maybe Boy lives on a different planet where feelings don't really actually exist. A side note: Despite slumber parties, Boy and Girl didn't have sex. So what happened?

Girl

Boy and Girl both play stupid game. Neither speaks to the other about the rules of said game, and both lose. Sound about right? Grow up, Girl, or you will lose every time.

Why is it that every time I date a guy whom I actually begin to fall for, I get ditched for someone who turns out to be the "love of his life?" I always think these girls are rebounds due to the lack of grace periods between relationships, but they always end up sticking around! I know this is a hard question to answer if you don't know me, but I'm not an unattractive person, and when I say unattractive, I'm talking in terms of all around personality and appearance. I don't freak out and get clingy, either. I have a friend with this same problem (and she's also not unattractive), so I'm wondering if there's some sort of personality trait (or traits) that might drive guys straight into the arms of someone else. My friend and I like to tell ourselves that guys aren't ready for girls like us and so they freak out and settle with girls who are less… colorful. We need a reality check Jyl. Be nice.

Fine and Dandy

Maybe you two are the rebound girls? You said that every time you “begin to fall…” - so I assume that you are talking about newish relationships, in which case there probably isn’t a required “grace period.” I don’t know you, F&D, so I guess I can’t really say, but “colorful” is difficult, and most people - guys especially - don’t really want to work that hard, you know? As much as people give lip service to wanting something more, something different out of life, love and relationships, the truth is that very few people actually live outside the box. That’s why Wal-Mart and McDonald’s and law school are so popular: People don’t know what else to do. You ladies may have to kiss a lot more frogs, but at least when you find your princes, you’ll know that your palaces will have interesting décor.

Will I ever forget about the big lie she told me? I'm trying to forgive, but forget hasn't happened yet. Signed,

Nobody's Perfect

You may eventually forgive, but you will never forget. How could you? If you are really and truly able to forgive, you won’t have to forget. But if the lie is big enough and bad enough, you may never forgive, either. And you will probably never fully trust her again. Give it some time. If you can’t forgive, then walk away or you will end up torturing her and yourself over it, and you’ll never have a healthy relationship again.

Jyl Inov

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