originally published July 18, 2007

There’s a girl I have known for almost a year. She is friends with one of my friends, and we see each other socially pretty often. So finally we get around to talking and boom! She’s super cool. I really dig her. I ask her out. We go out several times, keeping things very innocent and moving slowly after a discussion about it that made it seem like we were on the same page: Not particularly into one night stands, not interested in screwing up our mutual social environment, etc. After the first couple of dates we kissed, then made out, but again, neither of us was in a hurry to push things very far. Then one night we went out, I drove her home, and she invited me in. We had a few drinks, and she asked me if I wanted to spend the night. I did, and we went to bed, and I still didn’t really know what to expect. The next thing I know, she has gotten completely naked and straddled me on the bed. So I’m guessing that she’s ready to go further. She asks why I’m still dressed, basically dry humping me the whole time. I get undressed. She gets on top of me, we start making out again, and it seems like she’s about to, uh, mount me. I ask her if we should get a condom. She immediately gets off of me and says she’s not sure. I said it’s fine either way. We can just fool around, but she was getting a little close for my comfort. I said it better than that, but I was basically trying to tell her that fooling around was enough for me, or we could have sex, but I was trying to be careful. Then she decided that she didn’t want to do anything at all because she was “confused.” I said I was okay with that. She just wanted to go to sleep. So we did. She kept asking me if I was mad and I said I wasn’t - I really wasn’t, either. I’m not like some guy who wants to force her into anything or whatever. But I don’t want to hang out with her like that anymore, because I thought that was a weird thing to do. So now she’s calling me like we’re dating and I’m supposed to be at her beck and call, and I have pretty much decided that I’m over it. Am I being a dick? I’m fine just being friends with her like we were before, but she is acting like I’m a big asshole and I used her. I just think she’s kind of crazy and I don’t want to deal with it. I haven’t said anything to any of our mutual friends about any of this because I don’t want to make her look bad, but I get the feeling she might be talking about it because I have gotten the cold shoulder from a few of the girls in our group all the sudden. Did I do the right thing? If not, what should I have done? And where do I go from here?

No Player

NP, I don’t think you’re a dick. I think you are a nice guy who was trying to do the right thing with a chick who is either a recovering Catholic or potentially emotionally scarred (or both). While she certainly had a right to decide how far to let things go, it was very weird for her to get naked and grind on you, insist that you take your clothes off, and then freak out. There are probably some other issues at work here, and while that doesn’t make her a bad person, it would probably have made her a bad girlfriend. It sounds like she might need some counseling. In any case, continue to take the high road and say nothing to your mutual friends. If they know her at all, then they probably know her propensity for drama, and if they know you, then they know what kind of guy you are. Not saying anything speaks a lot louder about the situation than a series of “he said, she said” games. You know, “protest too much” and all that.

I have been trying out ye olde Internet dating thing for a couple of months now. It has been interesting, to say the least, but I haven’t really met anybody that I am really excited about. The biggest problem I seem to be running into is that a lot of the people that are on this particular site are people that I see around town all the time. I’m a grad student, I went to undergrad here, and I used to work downtown years ago. I swear I just keep seeing the same people! It’s not all bad, but it is really hard to avoid turning somebody down and then running into them at the grocery store or whatever. I guess what I want to know is am I the only one with this problem? And what can I do to get around it, or at least lessen it a little? I am starting to feel like a bit of a snob, and I swear to you that I am not. I just already know too much about some of these girls, or they have dated friends of mine, or former roommates, or whatever. Do you or your readers have any suggestions?

Lonelyguy29

I guess that’s the problem with being in such a small town, LG. Having had very little experience with Internet dating, my only suggestion is to broaden your search a little. I know that at least on some sites they give a radius of miles for your search. I would say that you should try to make yours as wide as is feasible. Wouldn’t you go to Atlanta for a date with somebody you’re really interested in? I know I would. Or at least you could meet in the middle. I don’t know how many people you actually go out with, and I suppose it would be difficult if you were trying to meet a whole bunch of people or go out on two or more dates a week. But what about casting a wider net and putting in a little more time getting to know them? Spend more time getting to know them before you meet face to face? I don’t know. That seems like the next logical step to me. Readers, do you have any suggestions?

Jyl Inov

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