originally published June 13, 2007

Okay, what is considered cheating in this day and age? I have a male friend/ coworker with whom I have a friendly/ flirtatious rapport at work. We also have each other's cell phone numbers and text message frequently. (He does not do this with other employees). The issue is that he has a girlfriend (who he lives with). He is aware that I have feelings for him (we have discussed it - albeit after a few drinks). I told him I was uncomfortable with our interactions (simply because of his relationship status), and he told me he understood and would back off. Which he did - for about two weeks. Now we are back where we were; staying late (til 2 or 3 a.m.) at the place where we work chatting, flirting and drinking. My question is: what do I do now? Do I need to lay down the law and not allow this anymore? I really consider him a true friend and don't know how to proceed (mostly because of the feelings I have for him beyond friendship). I honestly don't know if he's using me or really doesn't know what he wants.

Jezebel

P.S. If you could keep confidentiality I would appreciate it…

Are you cheating? I guess that depends on who you ask. I’m sure this guy’s live-in girlfriend would consider this cheating - and wouldn’t you if he was your guy and he was staying at work all night drinking and flirting with a female coworker? Bottom line is it doesn’t matter “what he really wants.” And he isn’t your friend. Friends don’t toy with the emotions of friends who have confessed feelings for them. He is taken, and you are not going to get what you want, at least not without a ton of unnecessary drama and bullshit. Knock it off and find another guy.

And I don’t know what kind of confidentiality you’re looking for, but I assure you that this scene is playing out in bars and restaurants all over town - hell, all over the world - as we speak, so I think your secret is safe.

I went on a date and everything went well (I think). I called her back after the standard two days. I never heard back from her. This is a moot point because I erased her number so that I wouldn't feel tempted to call. Was this premature?

Anonymous

When the hell did anyone create a “standard” (two days?), and why didn’t anybody tell me? You never said how soon after you erased her number, Anonymous, but if you haven’t heard from her yet you probably aren’t going to. Best that you saved yourself the trouble.

The other night, I came home from work early and discovered my boyfriend and his bandmates watching "Antiques Roadshow." This in itself wouldn’t have been so bad, but later I saw him online looking at antique porcelain dolls. Now I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. Is he gay? If so, should I dump him?

Modern Girl

MG, this guy sounds like a keeper to me. Did you catch the episode of the "Roadshow" that was filmed in Tennessee? There was a lady that had two dolls worth like $5,000! You should encourage your man’s new hobby, at least until you find him in front of the computer looking at porcelain dolls on Ebay - with his pants down.

I have been dating this guy for a few years, and am only now discovering that he is a pathological liar. We met while I was on vacation, dated long-distance for a couple years, and then he moved here to be with me. The whole time I never really thought much about the stories he told and the friends he told me about. It wasn’t like they were outlandish tales or anything; I had no reason to doubt any of it. But recently we had a visit (we live together now) from one of his old friends from home, and a lot of the things that they talked about seemed to directly contradict stories he had told me before. As I said before, these are not important things, but he talks about having played sports all the time growing up, and it turns out he was in little league for one summer. And he talked about a couple of summer jobs he had that it turns out were his friend's job, not his. I know this sounds crazy, but now I can’t help but wonder what else he might lie about? The whole time these stories were being told, he never even looked at me - like he didn't remember that I heard them before! It seems like at the time he told me this stuff, he believed it was true, but then later he never even remembered lying to me about it at all. Is it weird that this worries me? I don’t think he’s cheating on me or anything like that, but now I am starting to wonder how well I actually know him.

In The Dark

You know, ITD, I had a teacher in high school who once said, “A killer will kill and a thief will steal, but a liar will do anything.” (Shout out to my favorite Christian extremist, Mr. O’Connor. I told you taking that copy of 9 1/2 Weeks away from me in class wouldn’t change anything, and look where I am now!). Aside from his obvious boneheadedness in other arenas, I believe the man was right. Professional liars lie about everything - even about lying, and especially to themselves. Whether or not this started out as a harmless attempt to impress you, or a kind of pathetic way of dealing with his feelings of inadequacy, or whatever, at the end of it all what you’ve got is a total stranger that you have been sharing your life with for a long time. Who knows who this guy really is? And at this point, do you even want to know? You might wanna find yourself another place to live before you find out about his real past. The good news is that summer is a great time for cheap subleases! The bad news? Well, if you get out fast enough, you won’t have to hear any bad news. I say cut your losses and tell him to get some help.

Jyl Inov

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