originally published May 9, 2007

A year ago, I met a guy who honestly had everything on my personal checklist for a dream guy: smart, tall, amazingly nice, very cute, easy to talk to. We never even came close to hooking up since we met at a work-ish event, but I really felt like this was the first guy I have met in years who made me think about a serious, long-term relationship.

It may never have gone anywhere even if we were in the same city, but now we are on opposite coasts, and honestly never talk unless we happen to meet at a conference or something. But I CAN'T get him out of my head. I want to get rid of the crush; I've dated other people plenty, but I feel like I am just obsessed with him. I think about him way too often, especially since there is no way it could ever work out now given the distance.

I don't know what to do. Is this within the realm of normal? Do I need to see a shrink? How do I shake this crush?

Sick of Cupid

It is easy to idealize somebody you meet and don’t know much about. And it is hard to be single and searching and have standards. You’ve already said that it may never have gone anywhere if you lived in the same place, right? And since you don’t live in the same place, and there is no chance of even discovering whether he leaves the seat up or not, you are going to have to snap out of it. Is this obsession you have normal? I don’t know, but it sure isn’t helping anything. You sound like you’re driving yourself nuts. Look, it’s easy to focus on “what might have been” when there’s no “what is.” It’s the same thing that happens when you finally break up with somebody who is lousy for you and then you suddenly find yourself alone for too long: “Maybe he wasn’t that bad. Maybe I overreacted… I wonder what he’s up to?” Do you need a shrink? Maybe. There are probably other things factoring into this obsession that you haven’t told me, possibly ones you don’t even realize. So I say, give it a shot.

My girlfriend and I are moving in together after graduation. I’m totally happy and excited about it, because hey, why not? This relationship could definitely have a future. Here’s the problem: I am on financial aid, I have two jobs (and I will probably get another one for the summer), and I live hand-to-mouth and check-to-check and any other poor guy cliché’ that you can think of. My beautiful and talented and mostly down-to-earth lady, however, has never had to pay for anything herself, has only worked because “it’s fun,' and doesn’t have the same idea as I do about where and how to live. She is currently in a really nice, and, I assume, very expensive place with two of her friends. Their lease is up after the school year ends, and we have been looking for a place. I don’t really care that much about the kinds of things she cares about - pool, new appliances, etc. I don’t want to drag her down, but there is no way I can afford the luxury that she is used to. Her parents pay her rent, so she’s looking at places that are way out of my price range. I have tried to explain this to her and she keeps saying, “Oh it will work out!” and otherwise blowing it off. But I don’t know how she intends to make it work and she never wants to talk about it in detail. I’m starting to worry that this isn’t going to work out (the move, not the relationship) and I need to tell my roommates if I plan on staying before they get another guy to move in. So what do you think is the solution? I really want to be with this girl, but I don’t know how to keep up with her. And it isn’t like she doesn’t know my financial status.

To Let or Not to Let

Oh my. You’re cutting this pretty close, TLONTL. You are going to have to have a serious talk with this girl right now. Is it possible that she actually has a plan? Of course, “It will work out” could very well mean “Just get three more jobs.” Or does she intend to pay for more than half of the rent and bills? And if she were to offer to do that (it seems like she can afford it), would you be okay with that? She obviously knows that you don’t have any money, and she still likes you enough to move in with you, which is great. But does she even know what it means to not have money? Like, is she fully grasping the fact that you can’t (and don’t want to) pay for a shiny new student condo? If she insists on that standard of living, then she should pay for it. You might try telling her what your average monthly cost for rent and bills is and tell her that you can’t afford any more than that. Show her a couple places that are in your range. See what she says. Maybe you can find something in between. Or maybe you two aren’t quite ready to move in together after all. And maybe that’s okay.

Confidential to KD: No, I have no idea what he meant by that. Either you aren’t telling me everything or he is a few cans short of the proverbial six-pack. But in any case, he’s gone, and that sounds like a good thing. If you look back at the letter you sent me, you already knew he was wrong for you and it wasn’t going to work. Whether or not it was his fault, you felt insecure when you were around him, and that isn’t healthy and you never would have been truly happy. Don’t dwell on that conversation or any other. You’re killing yourself over what basically amounts to nothing. Chalk it up to experience and find somebody with whom you are more compatible.

Jyl Inov

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