originally published March 28, 2007

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. He recently came up with the notion that it may be a good idea for him to see other people, since I am one of his first girlfriends, and maybe he needs to test the waters of other relationships. I might be moving away soon, since I am graduating in May. I want to at least stay with him until something more concrete is decided about our futures, since he is my best friend and I really do love him. I have never had a relationship this good before and there is some part of me that thinks, but suppresses, the idea that he might be the one. There isn't a specific girl he wants to date and things are good with us until this topic is brought up. I know you can't talk someone into staying with you, but if something isn't broken, why should you try to fix it? I have considered having an open relationship with him, because I am not ready for ours to be over. How can I let him know I am not ready to let him go and that I really do love him? What will make him realize that I rock and he shouldn't ditch me for some bimbo?

Desperate to Keep My Sweetie

You can let him know that you’re not ready to let him go by telling him. Unfortunately, wishing won’t make it true, so if he wants to see other people, he’s probably going to see other people. You can choose to either a) Stick around and try to hold onto whatever you can; or b) Tell him he can’t have it both ways, that he’s either with you or he’s not, but he can’t be with you and keep shopping. Making him see how much you rock is a little tougher. I mean, after two years, what can you tell him that he doesn’t already know? If he hasn’t dated many people, he doesn’t have much basis for comparison. Is it possible that you don’t, either? I hope this works out the way you want it to, but either way, keep in mind that May is right around the corner, and after graduation, the possibilities are endless. You’re going to be fine. And even if you two break up now, it doesn’t necessarily have to be forever.

I'd love your opinion on this: I'm married to a wonderful guy, and our marriage is great. He's a cool fella, so he always ends up having cool friends. I get along with all of his friends, and I really like one in particular. He spends a lot of time hanging out with us, so he's both my husband's friend and my friend. I'm used to being pretty affectionate with my very good friends… when I care for somebody, I like to let them know. I'll tell them so, and I'll be huggy. However, I'm not sure how he'd react to my usual good-friend behavior. He's not very touchy-feely, and I don't want him to take my fondness for him as a come-on. To make it more complicated, I'm a tiny bit attracted to him because he's an attractive guy. I absolutely am not interested in him romantically, but it makes me feel even more unsure about how to act. How can I blend all of these factors into a comfortable situation?

Feeling Awkward

He’s not very touchy-feely, and you find him a little attractive. What more reason do you need to keep your distance? This isn’t really your friend we’re talking about, it’s your husband’s friend. And the fact that the two of you are also friends is great, but it doesn’t mean you have to move him into the “your friend” box so much that you feel the need to “let him know you care.” It’s great that you are self-aware enough to ask yourself these questions, but I feel like you don’t want to see the obvious answers. So, steer clear. Your friendship will probably grow naturally, and then you will eventually get more comfortable. Until then, stay arm’s length, sister.

So the long-term relationship I was in ended abruptly a few months ago. Now that the sun is shining on me again, I want to meet people, partially so that I don't fall prey to bitterness and forget how to connect with people in that way. However, I'm in my late 20s (not always the best thing in a college town) and the few people I know either aren't in a similar situation or usually don't like to go downtown and mingle. I've been out a few times alone, but people naturally avoid those who don't have others with them, and Athens already seems a bit cliquey to boot. Not to be immodest, but I'm a good conversationalist, well-traveled, relaxed, attractive, etc. So I guess I'm asking for some options and advice on how to break through some of these social barriers that have left me really confused. Don't misinterpret this as fishing for a one-night-stand formula, I'm just trying to adjust in a town that seems difficult to figure out.

Incognito

If you’re still in your 20s then you are way, way ahead of the game in this town. You’ve read this column before, right? (And hey, over 40 and single folk, it isn’t easy for anybody, see?) I do understand how you feel, though. Two things that I would suggest: seek people out in circumstances that are more open for conversation than bars: bookstores and coffee shops are good, as are restaurants and parks. Try those places earlier in the day when the college kids are in school, or on weekend days when many of them are still in bed. Also, try getting out to bars a little early, and talk to the bartenders before they get busy. Getting a feel for them will get you a feel for the bars themselves, and that will help steer you toward a more comfortable social environment.

Jyl Inov

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