originally published March 21, 2007

My boyfriend recently left his email inbox open on my computer. He had one saved message from himself, and it was several pictures he had recently uploaded off my computer, pictures of my best friend - mainly of her tits. Now I know guys like boobs, etc., but I must say, I don’t feel very comfortable knowing my boyfriend is masturbating to pictures of her. After I read the message, I was disturbed and I told him. He was embarrassed, and didn’t say much. He doesn’t have romantic feelings for her, he was just "saving the pictures for later." I told him it hurt my feelings and how creepy it was, but now I don’t know if I'll feel comfortable when the three of us hang out in the future. Normally these are the two people I would go to for advice, but he's biased and I don’t want to freak out my friend, so this is where you come in. What should I do, Jill?

Unsigned

First, he has to get rid of the pictures. I assume that out of embarrassment he already offered to and did. It isn’t like there isn’t plenty of porn out there that doesn’t involve your best friend. Next, you have to just try and forget about it. If you have already talked, and you believe that he doesn’t really have feelings for her, then try to let it go. Maybe try to hang out with her when he’s not around - at least for a little while. Not telling her is a good policy. If you and he stay together, you don’t want to put that kind of burden on her for the rest of your friendship.

I'm a "straight" girl with a boyfriend of almost a year. Sex with men is fabulous. I'm a total freak and am interested in numerous forms of alternative sex… with a penis. Now, in the last two to three years (interestingly related to the overall development of my sexuality in general), I've been really turned on to women. Most recently, the porn that really turns me on is lesbian porn. Not the silicone, blonde kind, I'm talking about the REAL stuff (which took me FOREVER to find by the way). I'm also seriously considering going to a lesbian club and picking a femme up.

Now, my question is: what does this make me? When I was a child, I only had crushes on boys. In more recent years, I've had infatuations with girls I thought were "cool" and yes, attractive. I've also messed around with about three girls.

What does it mean to be bisexual?

Anonymous

Being bisexual means having sexual desire for both sexes. The difference between watching and getting off on lesbian porn and getting off with another woman is the key here, though. Sexual fantasies and dreams are one thing. You can’t control what you dream about, for one, and fantasies are just that: fantasy. Lots of people have rape fantasies and that doesn’t mean they actually want to rape or be raped. The difference with your situation is that you have been with women and your desire continues and you want to actually find yourself a femme lesbian and have at her. I guess what I want to know is, what exactly are you worried about? Does your boyfriend know about this stuff? Does/ would he care? Are you worried that there is something wrong with you, or are you just having trouble defining your feelings? You are definitely bisexual, and you should probably tell your boyfriend about it. Also, if you stay with him and seek out women, be sure to be honest about what you want and expect from them. That is all. Happy hunting.

What if I like a girl and I compliment her and how she looks every day, treat her like a goddess, and worship the ground she walks on, and I ask her if she likes me, but she doesn’t answer.

Anonymous

No answer is an answer, anonymous, and the answer is no. Unless there is any possibility that the girl doesn’t know you are serious, which if your description is accurate is highly unlikely, then she simply doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Let it go.

My inquiry is somewhat linked to a recent one by a 45-year-old divorcee. Her problem and your reply highlight a pervasive prejudice against men in my position. I am a married 50 year old, who, due to the nature of my marriage, must seek affection, sex, etc. outside of that marriage. In a supposedly liberal town like Athens, I have found it difficult to find an alternative partner. I, too, am out and about and have met a number of ladies of various ages and marital status. Unfortunately, every exploratory approach to further romance has been rebuffed. I'm fit, clean, well-mannered and discrete. I have generally had reasonable success in the past and in decidedly less liberal places. I understand the faithless husband is not the most sympathetic figure in society, but we exist in relatively large numbers and often with good reason. We need some positive press and I need a bit of localized advice.

Sincerely,Seeker

How does her question have anything to do with you? She never said that she was tired of 50-year-old married guys trying to have sex with her. Her problem is not being able to find guys that are in the appropriate age category to date.

You don’t say anything about what the “nature of your marriage” is, but if you’re looking for an “alternative” partner, you might want to try the Internet. I understand that there are circumstances under which a person might justifiably go outside of their marriage for sex, Seeker (in cases where one partner is physically unable to have sex, for example, and their spouse is staying in the marriage but needs a physical outlet), but you’re not necessarily going to have an easy time finding anybody willing to be with you just for sex when you are obviously married. Not unless you find a paid professional, that is.

And by the way, pervasive prejudice ? Please! Get off your cross for a minute and realize that yours is an unusual situation (I can only assume, since you weren’t specific) that requires an unusual solution, and people looking for unmarried partners are hardly prejudiced. Just because your particular group (Faithless Husbands of America?) has so many members doesn’t mean you’re right (See also: Ku Klux Clan, Paris Hilton fans), and being “liberal” doesn’t mean “wanting to sleep other people’s husbands." Get over yourself, you jackass.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check form here.