originally published February 14, 2007

I was sort of seeing this guy who is really nice, but is so much the girl in our relationship that I am no longer interested. He isn't this weak with other people in his life, just me. He wants to do to dinner, and asks where I want to go, so I give him suggestions. He rejects the suggestions, and then asks again where I would like to go. He wants to go out, but then when we finally go out he won't talk, making me struggle to find more and more topics to speak about. He just sits there or goes off to do something that makes him feel more at ease, leaving me to hang out alone. I am a very push broad, and I know it, but he isn't strong willed enough for me. He just isn't pushy enough to be with this push board. He just is so passive that it makes me crazy. I will leave off the passive-aggressive things he does, that is another conversation entirely.

My question, how to I get rid of him without really hurting him or making him hate me. I know he might end up hating me, but I don't have a clue how to start to break up with him. Thanks,

Girl With Wimpy Man

I have no idea what a “push board” is, Girl, but what you have is a bad match. You know it, he knows it, and neither of you has the balls to say it, or at very least to just stop calling. Nevermind why you don’t like him, or why it isn’t going to work; it just isn’t. You’re both either bored or insecure or both, and this is a total waste of time. So rip that Band-Aid off and be done, for cryin' out loud.

I’m in my twenties and have been in a committed relationship for over a year. While my partner and I are in love, we almost never have sex. He wants to, and I am attracted to him. Yet, I can almost never go all the way. I can tell this is disappointing to him as he is constantly worrying that it is his fault. I am equally upset that I don’t get turned on enough. I have also had this problem in other less serious relationships I’ve been in. I find myself happier masturbating alone or even in front of my guy rather than have him touch me. I am not stressed out or too busy to have sex as some women might complain. I WANT TO HAVE SEX! I’m tired of my boyfriend having to bear the burden of my problem. Why can’t I feel anything?

Numb

It sounds to me like you may have some sort of psychological hang-up that you aren’t dealing with. Is there some abuse in your past? Do you have trouble opening up to partners? If this is the deal, then you should seek counseling. If your problem is purely physical, then you have to help the guy out. Teach him how to do what you like. Get more intimate with each other before the sex. Try undressing each other slowly, exchanging massages, and easing your way into things. You could also try buying some toys to get yourself going before (better yet - during!). You also have to try to focus on what you’re doing and not let thoughts about work, or your friends, or the fight you had with your mom get in the way. One thing is certain: If you don’t relax, you’ll never get off, so stop stressing out and start having fun.

Okay, I've been a reader for years, and now I'm hoping that you will have some sort of insight into my own twisted head... here's the deal, I'm a - for the most part - straight woman involved in a long-distance relationship with a loving and wonderful man that I know is not the best thing in the world for me. I've also cheated on him (in the most innocent of ways) with my female best friend that has been this weird love /bff thing for years now. I'm in love with her - but not a lesbian, I don't think enough to not be distracted by men if I wanted to be in a relationship with her. I think I've decided to give up altogether on any relationships at all - even seeing this written down reminds me that I am potentially borderline.

Any Advise?

Giving up altogether is probably a good idea at this point. Cheating on a guy who you already admit isn’t good for you is not only dishonest, it’s stupid. He doesn’t live here, he’s no good for you, and you aren’t faithful. This is what you call a relationship? And what the hell is with messing with your friend’s head? She’s a lesbian, and she’s your best friend, and she is probably in love with you, so you occasionally make out with her, and then you have the nerve to say you’re “in love with her, but not a lesbian”?! My god woman, you aren’t only an idiot, you’re a selfish bitch to boot. I’m not saying this to be cruel. I’m just trying to convey the gravity of your shittiness in both of your current relationships.

Now, to get back on the good karma bus. First, you have to break up with the guy. Don’t wait, don’t have second thoughts, and don’t make it messy. Just do it and be done. Next, you have to tell your best female friend that you are truly sorry, that you have been an awful, selfish idiot, and that you know you have hurt her, and that it will never happen again. You can’t be physical, because it doesn’t mean the same thing to you as it does to her. You love her, but you are not a lesbian and you will never be in love with her, and you hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive you and remain your friend.

You don’t have to give up on relationships; just give up on the bad ones. And remember that it takes two to tango, so you have to be good in a relationship in order to have a good relationship.

Jyl Inov

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