Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published September 27, 2006

I have been with my boyfriend for about five years. Since we are from different countries, every time we've been in the same country, we've had to live together for economic reasons. We have now been living in the same place for the past two years. We both feel like we missed out on normal, relationship-building stuff, always having had to live together. We have been throwing the idea around of one of us moving out, but we would stay a couple. What do you think are the possibilities of this working?

Anonymous

I don’t see how it would hurt to try. The way you talk about it, it sounds like your relationship is solid, and that both of you think this might be a good idea - and for good reasons. It’s not like you’re trying to figure out how to bring it up without hurting each other’s feelings or anything, right? Give it a shot. If it works, great. If not, you can always move back in together. It’s not like you haven’t done that successfully.

I have been sort of seeing this guy on and off for a couple years. We aren’t exclusive at all, and we never said we were going to be, because he is a musician and he is always on the road (more than half of the year). We do talk every week or so. He sends me postcards and he stays with me whenever he is in town, and usually tries to get at least one day off when he is playing around here so we can hang out. Also, I go to see him when he is at home (in another state) sometimes, and I often go see him on the road and occasionally travel with him for a couple of days at a time, which is easy because he doesn’t have a band and he is usually traveling alone, so I don’t feel too in the way or anything. I have told myself (and him) many times that I would not get too emotionally attached to him, because I know he will always live this way and I can’t just quit my job and go out on the road, and I don’t think he would want that even if it were possible. We spend, all told, several weeks together in a year. I have dated other guys, and I have even tried having a boyfriend, but I never like anyone as much as I like him, and I find myself missing him more and more right after we see each other. He tells me that he loves me and that he wishes it could be different, but it can’t and I would never ask him to give up his career for me, anyway. I know this all seems stupid, but I can’t help the way I feel, so I keep going back to him, which is all messed up enough, but there’s more.

I was at a show recently in another town. He knew I was coming, since I had some time off, and we had a hotel room booked. I had never been to this place before, but it wasn’t too far. Anyway, when the show was over, there was a girl who came over and started talking to him. This girl looked a lot like me - not exactly, but the same hair style and color, clothes style, etc. She seemed to be very, very familiar with him. He seemed uncomfortable, but I can’t figure out if it was because of the way she was acting or just because I was there. They talked for a long time, and when we left, they hugged and I can’t say what it was, but she seemed surprised or something. I don’t know how to describe it, but I felt something weird. I did not mention it to him, and he acted like it didn’t happen, but I did not sleep well that night and it has been bothering me ever since. So my question is, was I an idiot to think that I was the only “real thing” in his life? I mean, I guess I expected some level of casual, groupie-ish sex or something, but this was different. Am I stupid? Should I ask him about it? Am I overreacting?

Going Crazy

Are you an idiot? No. Are you perhaps a little naïve about the ways of the world (and musicians)? Yes. GC, there are plenty of guys in bands who sleep with different girls every night in every city. Usually, the girls in the situation are hanging around backstage waiting to be chosen from a flock of many, and usually they know exactly where they stand. That’s the thing about the traditional “rock and roll” lifestyle: it’s obvious. The guys in this scenario never mean what they say, and they say whatever to sleep with girls who generally know better than to believe their bullshit anyway. Your situation, however, is far more complex. Let me guess: this guy is a sensitive, singer-songwriter with a bunch of songs about girls, right? Like, not about sex and drugs, but about emotional, meaningful shit? And since he sings those songs, and he is so quiet and shy, you assume that he’s lonely and you want to take him home and make him cookies and comfort him, right? Okay, so did you think you were the only one who ever thought that? I’m sorry, honey, but it’s time for you to maybe let this guy go. Despite your best intentions, you have obviously developed an emotional attachment that will never be reciprocated. Don’t be mad, and don’t beat yourself up about it, just lose his phone number and quietly slip away. The thing about guys like yours is that they are not like the groupie-screwing rockstars who never mean what they say. Guys like yours always mean what they say - to you and every other girl like you. And that, in my opinion, makes them far more dangerous.

Jyl Inov

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