originally published August 16, 2006

I know that if anyone can help me, you can. Here's the problem. I am an older man (50) who is interested in a younger woman (late 20s). We met at yoga class (I try to stay fit, especially for my age). Well, at first we were just friends, talking after class, etc. and then we started to "date," casual dinners and movies, and then even a ski trip to Vail last winter (although we stayed in separate rooms). She made it clear that she was not interested in a physical relationship yet, and I have respected her wishes, although we do hold hands and kiss (sometimes quite passionately!). The final frontier has yet to be crossed, however, although I have made my interest to her very clear. I think that the sex would be fantastic because we are so in sync emotionally.

But here's the problem. As I said, for the past year I have been very patient, hoping that she would gradually come to feel about me as I do about her as our friendship deepens. Unfortunately, about a month ago, she abruptly broke up with me, because she had found another man whom she was madly in love with more her own age. I was devastated, of course, but I wished her all the best and we both agreed to maintain the friendship. A week ago, however, I found out that this guy is an abusive psycho, who has slapped her around at least once that I know of. So my question is twofold: 1) How do I get her to love me, who would be so good to her instead of this psycho boy. 2) Is there something in her maybe that causes her to seek out this rough sex and abuse when she could be making sweet love with me? (She told me once that she had been sexually abused as an early teen if that is relevant.) So, please give me any advice that you can. I really care about this woman and would love to salvage our relationship. Most of all, however, I want her to be safe. Signed,

50, But Not Dead

First of all, you don’t “get her to love you.” You have known each other for a long time, and if she doesn’t have the hots for you now, she is probably never going to have the hots for you. Your attempt to maintain the friendship in hopes that she will eventually “come around” is not going to get you anywhere. In your defense, she seems to have no problem whatsoever stringing you along. Knowing, as you say she does, how you feel, she really shouldn’t be making out with you if she doesn’t have more than friendly feelings toward you. So I have to ask: Who paid for the Vail trip? And who decided that you were “dating”? Was it explicitly stated? Also, when she said she didn’t want a physical relationship, did she actually say the word yet? Because frankly, I don’t see how you could be confused about separate rooms. I have shared a room with plenty of people that I had no intention of sleeping with, and I don’t see why if you were dating you would possibly need two rooms. She was obviously trying to tell you something, ND, and you obviously don’t want to hear it.

It seems to me that you have developed a fantasy that this woman is going to wake up one day and completely change her mind. It also seems to me that as long as she didn’t have anything else going on, she was perfectly content to go out with you, but as soon as she found somebody that she was actually attracted to, she “broke up” with you. Whatever that means. I have no intention of delving into this woman’s psyche ND, and neither should you. If you are truly concerned for her safety (are you sure that the information you got about this “psycho” is solid?), then you can talk to her and try to help her out. But I doubt very seriously that any advice coming from you is going to be heeded, as you are clearly biased and she will only see you trying to get her back.

Your best bet? Get her out of your life. Go find yourself another woman, perhaps closer to your own age, with whom you can have an actual relationship - an emotionally, intellectually, and yes, even physically satisfying, real-live, flesh-and-blood relationship. You deserve it.

My boyfriend’s parents are really rude to me. We are both in college, but he is very dependent on them. I pay all of my own bills, I have a job, and my parents just don’t have the resources to help me that much. He has to go home (they live pretty close) at least once a month to get money from them, and there is always some family event or other (sister’s graduation, brother’s birthday, their anniversary, etc.) that he has to be there for or they make him feel bad. He only brings me with him some of the time (because, they say, I am “not family” even though his brother’s girlfriend is always over there). When I go, they are rude and make me feel like I am not there. When I am not there, they ask him if he is still with “that girl.” He says he hates it, but he never confronts them. What should I do?

Outcast

Your boyfriend isn’t really in a good position, O. His parents might be assholes, but they are the assholes with the purse strings. Surely he isn’t happy about the situation, either, right? It’s not like you’re married and you have kids. So give them what they want. Just let him go home by himself and avoid these people if they suck. And occasionally, he may just have to skip some of the family functions and deal with the guilt trip. Just don’t make this an “issue” when it doesn’t have to be. Be the shelter, not the storm. Act like it doesn’t bother you, and eventually maybe it won’t.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.