originally published August 9, 2006

I've known the love of my life for three years now. The trouble is she only knows me as her best friend. We met one summer in Athens, and since then we've been really close. I know everything about her and she knows everything about me… except for the fact that I love her and I want her. I think she's perfect, from her blue eyes and gorgeous smile to the way I can piss her off and then two seconds later, she's like, "Whatever," and gives me a girly punch. (She's got a boyfriend, and I'm sure you already know I can't stand the bastard because he can be with her in every way I want to be with her. We've gotten into so many fights over this guy, because I don't think he's good enough for her (of course not, she should be with me). He treats her like crap. I've told her that I loved her before, but she was drunk and just gave me a kiss and told me she loved me, too. Along the lines of, "I love you, too, you're my bestest friend." (I know I just need to grow some cojones and tell her, but I don't know how to do it right. I have no problems with other girls. I can get a girl in a second and have no problem telling them what I want. It's just her. I don't want to fuck this up. Should I wait until the inevitable break-up with this current guy? Or what? Either way, I'm going to tell her. I just want to know how a woman would want to hear that her best friend of three years loves her. I don't want to scare her off or anything or make her feel like she's losing a best friend. Sincerely,

Buff Dude in Need of Cojones

You know, Buff, there is no general way that “a woman” would want to hear what you have to say. She might be flattered - thrilled even - at the prospect of your undying devotion. On the other hand, she might feel that being with you would be like fucking her brother. I have several friends that I am very close to, and I can’t think of any one of them that I would wish a confession like that from. If you ask me, she knows damn well how you feel and she keeps hoping that you will get over it. Drunk or no, nobody forgets a genuine “I love you” unless they want to.

What to do, you ask? Well, start by not talking shit about her boyfriend anymore. Any child of divorce can tell you that nothing makes you defend somebody you care about like an attack on them by somebody else you care about. Should you tell her how you feel? Well, if getting it off your chest is what you want, then go right ahead. But don’t assume it’s going to make things easier, or even different, and be prepared for it to ruin your friendship. Getting the weight off you is the easy part, just remember where it goes next, and be sure you are prepared for whatever her response might be.

What’s the deal with girls? I was out the other night with a couple of my buddies, and we saw these three girls in a bar. I thought one of them was cute, so I bought her a drink and had the bartender bring it over. When the guy gave it to her and pointed to me, she looked confused and took it and kind of waved, but when I went over to talk to her, she didn’t seem to want anything to do with me. She and her friends just stood there and talked to each other the whole time we were there and barely said two words to us. Did I do something wrong?

Confused

I wouldn’t say you necessarily did anything wrong, but you sure didn’t do it right. Did you somehow think that buying a complete stranger a drink meant that she owed you the privilege of her company? She probably felt weird because she had never met you and you had not even bothered to speak to her, and that you were buying her a drink because she looked good to you from across the bar. This may be confusing, so pay close attention: Just because you think a girl is cute doesn’t mean that she wants attention from random strangers (you). If you had gone up and spoken to her for a few minutes first, you could have seen if there was any initial response or attraction. You could have gauged whether or not she was interested in talking to anybody aside from the friends she was there with. And, you would have given her the chance to politely refuse had you simply asked her if she wanted a drink. Instead, you sat across the room and bought her something she didn’t ask for, making her first impression of you one of intrusion, and then made her feel obligated to deal with you when she may have just wanted to hang out with the girls. You are not allowed to be offended. You thrust her into the awkward situation, honey. She had no choice but to try and humor you for a minute while she figured out how to get away.

Now, if this girl and her friends had come up to you and your guys and flirted and hung out and acted like they wanted to get to know you, all the while fishing for free drinks and fake attention, and then proceeded to ignore you after they got what they wanted, then I could see you being confused and maybe even a little pissed off. But put yourself in her shoes for a minute. What would you do if a guy you had never seen before sent you a drink? It would make you feel a little weird, wouldn’t it?

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.