Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published July 19, 2006

From June to October was my divorce. She filed, and I tried to get her to change her mind until I got angry and gave in and signed in October. It took a while, but I'm over it now, have been for months. Now, there's this girl that I've really really liked for quite some time. We started off in a group of friends, so she already knows about my divorce, and my kids. I don't have to worry about breaking that ice. Now I don't know how to go about asking her out. In reality, I want to be good friends with her first, because that's more meaningful than a date or two. Some of my friends just say to be ballsy because what if it's too late, and by the time I talk to her about how I feel, she's already with someone else. Other friends say that if I tell her too soon, she might get thrown off, and any hope of friendship will be ruined if the dating doesn't work out. What do you say? Also, I'm about to turn 25 in August, and she just turned 21. Is that too much?

Finding Serenity

If you want to get to know her better, then start getting to know her better. Ask her to do something outside the group, or start by having more meaningful conversations with her while you are out with the whole group, and see how you want to proceed from there. I think you should spend some more time alone before you start trying to rush this thing. Being married at 25 is more than I can imagine, much less being divorced. I suspect she may find that and your children a bit intimidating if you just up and ask her out. However, if you get to know her better, and in turn allow her to get to know you better, then you will both know how compatible you are (or aren’t). You know yourself better than your friends. Let them say what they may, but they haven’t been married and divorced and you have. There can’t be any harm in getting to know somebody better before you get too serious. That may be a lesson they haven’t learned yet, but obviously you have.

I recently went out with a friend of mine to comfort him after a bad breakup. We have been friends for a couple years, but I wouldn’t describe us as close. So we went out for coffee, which led to drinks, which led to my house to watch a movie (he really didn’t want to be alone because the wound was fresh and he felt like shit, and I was fine with that because it’s not like I had anything pressing to do and frankly, I have been there more than once). So he wound up staying over. A couple days later, we hung out again, and after a fairly similar start to the day, we wound up sleeping together that night. I should mention that he was the one who initiated it. It was fun, kind of silly and drunken and whatever, but I was fine with it and I thought he was, too. Now he is calling me much more regularly and I think he thinks we are having a relationship and I don’t know how to tell him it was just a fun little rebound thing. I don’t want to date this guy, but I would like to remain friends. Did I do the wrong thing? How can I fix this? Please help me.

Bad Kitty

You could just try to avoid spending alone time with him. You could call your other mutual friends and get together for some group outings, encouraging them to pitch in for the recovery effort while avoiding what happened. Or you could just be honest and talk to him about it. Probably easier to just be straightforward. Don’t pussyfoot around about it, and don’t assume that he’s trying to be your boyfriend, because it is entirely possible that he just wants to be your fuck buddy. Just say, “Hey, I need to clear the air about what happened” or whatever. Tell him that you want to hang out, but you want to make sure that he knows the score. Even if you did want to date him, he needs to spend some time alone after a breakup, right? And as much fun as that romp may have been, it might get confusing if you continue it right now. But you want to continue hanging out now, etc. If he doesn’t get it or he gets pissed, then just back off and let him cool down. Otherwise, continue as you have been. Who knows? Maybe later you’ll decide you really do like him. Or maybe you will be the one who introduces him to his future wife. There is no reason why this has to be a disaster.

Confidential to Former Slut:

Well, no shit you want more. Maybe you should try getting to know some of these girls before you try to jump on them? And maybe if you get to know them first, and more importantly, allow them to know you, you will sleep with fewer people and maybe even find something a little more meaningful? I guess sometimes the obvious answer is the hardest one to come to. Trust me. Slow down, find things that make you happy (other than naked strangers and porn), and start talking to people about things that matter. You’ll be surprised at how much you learn when you actually have to think about your feelings in order to explain them to others. I know that you feel like you’re trying to kick an addiction, so maybe you should treat it like one. Set goals, be realistic, don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake or two, and seek outside help if you find that you really can’t hack it. Good luck.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.