Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published June 21, 2006

I am in my early 20s, between relationships, and interested in experimenting with girl-on-girl action. Should I find myself a lesbian or another bi-curious straight girl?

Going Girl

I think you will have a better go with an experienced woman, but you need to make sure that your intentions are clear right off. You don’t want to wind up in an awkward grope-fest with another girl who doesn’t know her way around the female anatomy, but you also don’t want to end up annoying or frustrating a bona fide lesbian who is looking for love. Have fun.

My boyfriend is never home. He is a musician, and he travels around a lot. I totally love him, and I believe that we may even some day get married. The problem is that I get bored and lonely by myself all the time. I try to stay active and I have a lot of friends, but that’s not always enough. I have talked to him about this and we have talked about coming to some kind of agreement. The proposal is this: we are able to see other people as long as we tell each other first, and nothing more serious than casual sex. My friends think I am insane and that it will be the end of our relationship. I say that it’s easy for them to say because they get to see their significant others whenever they want. I think this will keep our relationship healthy. What do you think?

Anonymous

I think you’re deluded. What are you going to do, meet a guy at a party, chat him up for an hour or two, and then call your honey from your cell phone while you’re driving back to his place? And what happens if he doesn’t ANSWER? Are you going to leave him a message? I mean, seriously, are you talking about permission here? Do you intend to tell each other anything about these people you have sex with? Imagine that conversation for a minute: “Hi, honey, it’s me. Remember what we said about seeing other people? Yeah, well this guy is tall, maybe 200 pounds, and he’s wearing a baseball jersey and khakis. His name is Josh, and he’s Becky’s sister’s boyfriend’s cousin. So, is that cool then?” And how will you react when you get this call? Do you really think you’re going to get any sleep after you hang up with him and you’re home alone knowing he’s on his way to a motel in the middle of Kansas with some groupie? You’re either in or you’re out of this thing. If you want company, get a dog. Need more nookie? Buy a vibrator. But don’t fool yourself into thinking that this will ever work, or that it is somehow the “natural” thing to do.

I have been with my girlfriend for three and a half years. We have been living together for two, and things have been going pretty well, I guess. We have our disagreements and stuff, but nothing serious. But now lately it seems like we have been fighting a lot more. A lot of times it's about stupid stuff, and sometimes I feel like she’s just picking a fight with me on purpose because it's about something that never bothered her before, like the laundry or whatever. So now I meet this girl at work, and we kind of hit it off, and we hang out in a group with other people, but I kind of like her and now I think I might want to get to know her more, maybe even date her. Should I stay with my girlfriend or try something new?

Tired of Fighting

That depends on several things, TOF. I don’t have enough information here. How old are you? If you’re 20 and you have been together that long, maybe you need to try dating around a little before you settle into something more permanent. Where do you think this relationship is going? Do you think you want to marry this girl at some point? Have you been in a long-term relationship before? And is this a sort of pattern you establish to get out of it without guilt? Have you talked to your girlfriend about what’s up? She may not even realize that there is a problem, or there might be something else at work here. Is she depressed? Is she having problems with work or school or family and taking it out on you? If you don’t ask her straight up, then you will never know, and you can’t justify breaking up with her without finding out. Unless, of course, you are just over it, in which case you need to break it off. Who knows? Maybe she wants out of the relationship, too.

My boyfriend and I got together six months ago. Things were going very well, and his lease was up last month, and I needed a roommate, so we decided it made sense for him to move in with me. Well, things are not going too well. I still really like him, and I don’t want to break it off, but I really want to re-think this living together thing. We are just around each other too much, and I feel like I don’t have enough time to myself or with my friends or anything. Also, I haven’t told my parents that he moved in even though I am 25 years old, because I didn’t want them to tell me I was making a mistake. That has turned out to be a good decision because they would have been right and I would be crazy having to listen to "I told you so." So anyway, how do I ask my boyfriend to move out, but not break up with him? I don’t want to put pressure on him or hurt his feelings, but I can’t do this right now.

Claustrophobic

Just be honest, C. It is likely that if you are this uncomfortable, he’s not happy either. Tell him exactly what you told me. Don’t tiptoe around it and DO NOT use your family as an excuse. Just tell him that you really dig him and you want to keep seeing him, but that you need space. Ask him to find another place, set a relatively quick time frame on the move out without being too pushy, and help him look. In the meantime, make sure you set aside time to see your friends and keep up with stuff you were doing before you started dating him. Also, request at least one day (or night) a week to yourself in the house. If he has trouble with any of this, then it’s just not going to work. There’s no real discussion to be had, because no matter what is said, your situation isn’t going to get better while he is still there. It really shouldn’t be a big deal. Five months is pretty quick.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com.