Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published June 14, 2006

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost five years and love each other very much. Our relationship is about as close to perfect as one can get. Lately, I've been having financial trouble and he has been helping me with little things like groceries, small bills, etc. I am extremely grateful, but every time he helps, I feel a little resentment. It's awful and I feel terrible about it. What do I do? How do I get over this? Thanks,

Anonymous

Um, you need to get over yourself, honey. You are putting your boyfriend in a no-win situation because you feel crappy about yourself and about your finances. Either accept help from him or don’t, but don’t make him feel like the asshole. I know you already said you feel bad about it, but that isn’t enough. Keep track of the money he gives you, but don’t tell him you are. Get out of the hole you’re in financially. Get a second job, sell some of your stuff on Ebay, whatever, but get out of the hole and pay him back. You obviously aren’t capable of “just getting over it” or you already would have.

I'm so glad you have this column, you are wonderful, brass, and right out there (not to mention 99.9 percent right about your topics). Here's my thing… I have a serious crush on a black man (I'm white), and he seems to feel something for me, too. I have not had the chance to talk to him alone because he is a Reverend from another church and only visits mine now and then, and when he does, he is always with lots of other people. I have given him my card and all my contact info, and we have briefly talked about getting together. He told me to let him know next time I go to Atlanta to go out dancing and he seemed to be really interested in going along. He said he would send me his contact info a week ago, and didn't. I know he is really busy with church and life in general. Because he is a Reverend, I don't want to step over any boundaries and be inappropriate. I also don't really know how he feels about "mixed" relationships. So, I am all weirded out and can't make any decision on what to do because my brain is fritzed. I always seem to have the answers for my friends and everyone thinks I give good advice, why can't I get my own shit together? This man is so attractive to me, not just in looks, but more in his being, his soul. He seeks me out to chat, but then someone always shows up and interrupts us. Everyone wants to talk to him! Including me! I haven't felt this powerful a tug on my heart in a LONG time.

Weirded Out

You gave him your contact information and he did not give you his. He asked you to let him know when you would be in town, but never gave you the means to reach him. You might say he is sending mixed signals, but I think the signal is loud and clear. No follow up? No interest. It doesn’t matter why. You don’t have to ask how he feels about “mixed” relationships. He is obviously just not that into you. And the fact that you are so “weirded out” is probably reason enough for you to let it go.

I've been knowing my best friend for almost five years now. He's a great person and always there for me, but the thing is that I like him. I just can't help it and I don't know why I do. Recently (last year), he enrolled himself into the Army. Now he's not as close to me as he used to be because he's in another state. Every time we talk, he always asks what I'm doing, but when we get in a fight, he always tries to make it better between us afterwards. Also, when I confessed my feelings, he said that he didn't want to get involved because he doesn't want to lose a great friendship (basically he only has three best friends, me and two others). But every time we have a disagreement (every once in a while), I let it go, but he tends to keep at it. Then he'll ask me how I feel about him and what are my feelings towards him. I always tell because, hey, I like the guy. The thing is, he doesn't like me, at least I think he doesn't, because he turned me down in the past when he said he didn't want to screw up a great friendship. Also, when it's just me and him and we are out in public, he'll get too close to me or try to hold my hand. I back down because he said he didn't want to be involved. I'm keeping my boundaries, but sometimes I just go with the flow. What do you think of the situation? Is he just using the "friendship" as an excuse or is he just afraid to lose our friendship or will he come around later on?

Friend/ Wannabe Lover

This guy sounds like he’s either completely confused or totally full of shit. He doesn’t want to “get involved” because of your friendship, but he wants to walk around holding hands with you in public whenever he feels like it? He fights with you, tries to make up for it, and then asks you how you feel about him? Sounds to me like this guy doesn’t know what the hell he wants. Obviously you do, but you are absolutely right to keep within certain boundaries. The thing is, you have to keep them all the time and drop the whole “go with the flow” attitude. If you continue to go with this flow, it is never going to flow the way you want it to. If he wants more than friendship, then he needs to pony up. Just because he’s “being all he can be” doesn’t mean you have to be whatever he wants you to be.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.