Reality Check

Matters Of The Heart & Loins

originally published May 31, 2006

I just recently had a conversation with a girl I know and she told me that she never gives guys she dates oral pleasure. How do you not do that?? She also said that she likes them to do it to her, though. What is wrong with this picture? She does not think it is wrong or selfish. Help me out.

Unsigned

Sounds like a load of crap to me, but as a reader of this column, you obviously know that people are prone to putting up with a lot of nonsense. Basically, if the guys she dates are willing to do it for her and not expect any in return, then they get what they settle for. Personally, her behavior sounds rather… boyish.

I consider myself to have normal to higher-than-normal self-esteem. However, lately my ex-boyfriend loves to rant about how wonderful and beautiful the new love of his life is - to me, mind you. He's weird, this I know. Because I know he's weird, I know he probably doesn't understand that it bothers me when he talks about how great she is and how he can't wait to do numerous physical things to her. Anyways, I try to push all thoughts of self-doubt out of my mind (he dumped me - major detail there), but it's quite difficult when I'm repeatedly reminded of how optimal my replacement is. This all means nothing to you unless I make a point, so here it is: how does a girl go about standing strong in the face of a negative self-esteem challenge? Should I assume that this new girl really is better than myself and accept it, or do you think the ex is playing mind games? Keep in mind he's not your typical person, because he usually tells people exactly what he thinks and feels. Omitting this guy from my life is not an option at this point in time or else I would have already done this and wouldn't be wasting my and your time. Love,

The Girl with the Pearl Intentions

Yes, I do think this guy is fucking with you, and no, I don’t think you should put up with it. If, as you insist, he has to remain part of your life, then you should ask him not to discuss his new relationship (at least not every physical detail) with you. But since he is probably doing it on purpose, he’s also likely to step it up if you mention it. How do you "stay" strong? How about being strong, rather than being a doormat? If you can’t get away from him completely, you have to at least get some distance. Keep in mind that just because you aren’t the right girl for him doesn’t mean you aren’t right.

Confidential to Fed Up:

Your mom is acting like a child, Fed, but she is your mom, so you are going to have to deal with her eventually. She is obviously having a hard time dealing with the fact that you are an adult now and that you don’t need her the way you used to. She may also have some guilt about having left for such a long time, and nothing fuels anger like a good dose of guilt. She is taking out her anger on your boyfriend because she sees him as the one who replaced her. I think that writing her back is a great idea, since it will give you a chance to address everything she said in her letter in a well thought out, uninterrupted fashion.

Start at the beginning. Tell her about how her absence was very difficult for you and what you did in order to adjust, as well as how you felt once you had made the adjustment (independent and proud is how you might put it). Also, tell her about why you like the guy so much, why it hurts you that she won’t give him a chance, etc. Consider assuaging her fears about what she perceives as your impending marriage. Tell her you’re not making any wedding plans (assuming you’re not, since you are so young and you seem to have a really good head on your shoulders - you’re not in a rush, right?) for the immediate future, and that you wish she would make an effort to get to know him better.

She obviously believes that you are pulling away from your family because you are pulling away from her. I can’t say I blame you for that. However, I do think that it is going to be up to you to change her mind. Tell her the reasons why you couldn’t meet her when you were supposed to. Make it up to her. Plan a trip (even a short one) for just the two of you. Be specific about when you are available and how much time you have, but allow her to feel like she is in on the planning to some degree. Have fun. Be open. You may have to go to her, and although this is of course unfair, it is also a small price to pay for familial harmony.

It is silly that she expects you to be the one to make all the effort, but quite often this is just how parents are. Believe me when I say I’ve been there. The whole “You haven’t called. Why haven’t you called? It would be nice to see you sometime” schtick is frustrating, but “Hey, you have a phone, too, Mom” is not going to make anybody feel better. Just suck it up and do it. That said, do not allow her to guilt you or trash the guy you love who has been there for you through all of this. If she starts in, you’re going to have to stay calm and change the subject. Take the high road. I know it’s not easy, but not much worth doing ever is. If you do make this effort and she doesn’t at least try to meet you halfway (not literally, of course, but in the emotional sense), then you are perfectly justified in taking a “Screw you, it’s my life” stance, but it would be an awful shame to allow what was such a close friendship to dissolve over what really amounts to a lack of communication.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there...

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there...