Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published May 24, 2006

I dated a struggling musician for one year whom I was attracted to for about three years previous. Little did I know he would fall for me and my toddler son from a previous relationship. I am a goal-oriented person and I am pursuing a career that already sends me traveling every few months. I am more successful than he, and I have much more responsibility to bear. I broke up with him in December '05 and we still talk weekly and sometimes daily, which includes an occasional profession of love in my ear. When we were living together last year, I found myself replacing his shoes, surprising him w/ new clothes for his gigs, and paying more than my portion of the electric bill as I watched him scramble for bus fare. While he always made me and my son toast for breakfast and made sure I took my vitamins, he awoke most mornings with dark, sallow eyes from staying up into the wee hours. I've never had more respect for anyone in my life who would literally barely survive in order not to compromise putting his artistic pursuits/ passion (music) first in his life. He is my best friend and we are still in love with one another. But the chaotic, poor, inconsistent lifestyle of a struggling musician is just NOT something I can justify exposing my child to. Furthermore, someone that is creatively gifted yet pragmatically void will not transcend into good habits that will influence my child in the future. So, my question is: should I continue to keep the communication lines open with my old boyfriend and best friend that I've known for four years? Or should I lose our friendship, even though we are both open to dating new people, and release the painful pull on my heartstrings that being friends causes, while refusing to compromise what I think is important in a partner?

Unsigned

You have to either get back together with this guy or stop talking to him, because you are never going to move on with your life and date somebody else while you are still talking to him so regularly. I see where you are coming from with the respect for artistic blah blah blah, but it sounds to me like this guy isn’t really trying very hard to get by at all. I know plenty of people who are musicians and who still manage to hold down jobs. I’m not saying he has to hang up the guitar and go get an office job, but there are other jobs that would provide him enough money to feed and clothe himself. The hours are not the issue. Plenty of bars and restaurants hire musicians with the understanding that they may need a couple weeks off here and there for gigs. So either he is lazier than you are letting on, or your standards are completely different. In either case, I don’t see how you can make this work unless you talk about it and find a middle ground. Think about the possibility that his chaotic, inconsistent lifestyle, with the late nights and whatnot, might actually make for a great situation. Is he able to look after your son while you work? If so, do you think he is willing to be a stay-at-home dad? Is that something that might possibly be a positive influence on your kid, rather than having to go through various teenage babysitters and/ or expensive daycare? Are you willing to accept a guy who is not going to be the primary provider? I’m not suggesting that I have a definite answer, because I don’t have enough details. Just think about what is really important to you and either stop talking to this guy or start really talking to him.

The last girl I slept with was a fairly casual fling, but the sex was really hot. She would come over in the middle of the night, we’d role play, we experimented with different scenarios and toys and accoutrements, and then she would go home because she had to get up for work the next day. It was the first time I had done almost any of this stuff; I enjoyed mostly very pedestrian sex prior to meeting her. This went on for about six months, on and off, and I was really into it, but then she got too serious and I had to break it off. Now I am with another person who I really hit it off with; we share the same interests and lifestyles, go to nice restaurants, etc. Okay, so now we’re getting to the “meet the family" stage of this thing, and I am perfectly happy with that. I think I could spend a lot of time with this woman, and possibly even marry her. The problem? Sex is SOOOO boring. At least, compared to how it was with my fling. I am happy, but I don’t know if I can ever reach the same kind of plateau again, and I find myself thinking about those late nights quite often, sometimes fantasizing about calling her again and meeting in a dirty hotel (we did that once). So where do I turn? How do I find the middle ground? I feel almost perfectly happy right now, as I have said, but I can’t help wanting a little more. Does this make sense?

Can’t Get There From Here

Has it occurred to you that your new girl might be perfectly willing to play the games you miss so much? You haven’t mentioned her opinion of this, so I have to assume that she doesn’t know what you’re thinking at all (which is fine, because you don’t necessarily want her to know that you had the most incredibly hot sex of your life with the chick you were casually dating right before her). So bring it up. Maybe not all at once, but a little at a time, try to get more experimental in the bedroom. See where she is willing to go, and be prepared to take the lead, since she may not have been there before either. And maybe don’t go too far too fast. Start with some new lingerie and a few small toys or lotions rather than heading straight for the gimp mask and ball gag, you know? You don’t want to freak her out, but you may be surprised at how she responds, and hell, maybe she will have ideas you haven’t thought of yet.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.