Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published May 3, 2006

A woman who I was very interested in a couple of years ago has recently been trying to reach me. The thing is, I don’t know if I should call her back or not, because she blew me off for another guy the last time, and since then she has acted pretty crazy toward some of our mutual friends, even suggesting that I was making something out of nothing the last time around. I wasn’t. We went out a couple of times on what were obviously dates. We kissed. We sized each other up for relationship shit. I am not so much of a clueless guy that I don’t understand these things. Some of my best friends are chicks, and they confirmed that I was being pursued at the time and then I got blown off. So I don’t know. Do I give this another shot? Or do I tell her to stick it? I don’t feel like going through all the BS again for nothing, but I really did like her.

Confused

C, you should probably just avoid her. It’s one thing to start something and then change your mind, or to be interested in more than one person and have to make a choice, or whatever. If that were the only thing she had done, it would be fine. But if you have it on good authority that she was talking shit about you and denying your previous near-romance, then she’s kind of a bitch, don’t you think? Adding insult to the injury of blowing you off does not speak well of her as a person, much less a potential love interest. Don’t put yourself through it.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two and a half years, and having sex for about two of those years. And it's good. The thing is, we role-play a lot. Like, A LOT, a lot. This is a wonderful thing, as I'm a natural sub to his natural dom, and we trust each other 100 percent. (When my boyfriend takes on his role, it's just that for him - a role. He really gets into it, but he can back out of the role easily, and he would never do the things he does to me if I wasn't enjoying them. Therein lies the problem, Jyl. I can't. Back out of the role, that is. The role I take on (servant, kidnapping victim, etc.) is just a vehicle for what really gets me off. I enjoy being dominated. I enjoy being made to beg. I enjoy pain (physical AND mental). I especially enjoy being scared. It's hard to describe in text, but he doesn't just do these things to me. He doesn't even bring them up, usually. I do. I ask for them, BEG to be subjugated, to be hurt, to be treated like dirt. And I love every minute of it. (My problem is, this side of my personality terrifies me. Despite the comfort he gives me when we're done, I feel like shit sometimes, because I wonder if I would get off if someone did these things AGAINST my will. And I'm scared to go to a sex counselor, because they might not take me seriously since I'm only 18. That and I've had… bad experiences with psychiatrists and counselors. Please help, Jyl - how do I come to terms with my "dark side"? Are there support groups for people like me? A sort of "S&M Anonymous"? My boyfriend is a wonderful comfort, but he doesn't know how to help me be less disgusted with myself. Sincerely,

The Willing Victim

WV, you sound perfectly sane and plenty mature at 18 to me. You also seem to have a good relationship with a supportive boyfriend, which is fantastic. I searched a long time (that’s why this answer took so long, sorry about that) for an “S&M Anonymous” sort of group locally, to no avail. I did, however, get a recommendation for a therapist. I know, I know, you said that you have had bad experiences with counseling, but I encourage you to give it a try anyway. Think of it this way: I am sure you’ve had a bad meal at a restaurant before, right? Did it stop you from going out to eat again? And have you maybe had a boyfriend who just wasn’t right for you? Did it make you swear off relationships? No. So give this new therapist a try. Call Family Counseling (706-549-7755) and ask for Tiffany. Explain to her that you are the person who wrote in to me and that you are looking for some help. She knows who to set you up with. I am assured by the person who made the referral that your issue is “right up his alley,” and that he will take you seriously. Good luck, and please keep me posted.

Confidential to “Journalist”:

You have no idea what you are talking about. Whatever you inferred from my statement that you found offensive, I assure you that I am not the ignorant slob you assume me to be. I am many things, but I am certainly not a xenophobe. There are plenty of answers to the “What country?” question, but we are not here to debate that at present. And, for the record, not “anyone” who has access to a computer and the Internet does have access to Flagpole. Just ask anybody in say, North Korea, for example. That letter was confidential for a reason. I am sorry that you were offended by it. And I don’t dislike my job, really, just some of the people I deal with. Which reminds me…

THREE people responded to my rant about writing fake letters pretending to be women. I wish I knew how to get all of you in touch so you could have a little party, fellas. Maybe read some Cosmo, drink some diet sodas, and watch old "Friends" reruns while you lament your lack of female social interaction? Oh well, at least you can take comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.