Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published April 26, 2006

Let me preface this by saying I may be the oldest undergrad in school here at UGA. I'm 25 years old, I dicked around for a while in school and decided to just work. Well, after a couple of years of that, I decided to get back into school. I don't usually go out too often and the number of friends I have up here is limited. So, I've been hanging out with people from work mainly, and this ex-girlfriend of mine. We dated briefly during the summer and broke up as soon as school rolled around. We remained friends afterward, basically hanging out every single night; it was like we were still together without the sex. Anyways, I got into some trouble in December of last year and was put on probation. Well one of the main things me and Nadine, we'll call her, did was drink and smoke together. So after I got put on probation, she failed to come around because I was "bringing her down." Which made me think she was using me. Anyways, Nadine has this old boyfriend named "Gary." She dated him on and off a few years before me, and he was always interfering in our brief relationship, getting in to fights about stupid shit and taking up her attention. So, they broke up the first time because Gary decided to fuck Nadine's roommate. Recently, Nadine's and my friendship has been fucked up, we constantly fight about stupid shit, like away messages on AIM and Facebook. I try to make conversation by talking to her about what is going on in her life, school and family. But, she says that I'm just trying to keep tabs on her and all this other bullshit. No matter what, I do like her and want to have her involved in my life, but it just seems like being friends isn't working out. Now, I come to find that she and Gary are back together and they're just so happy together. Honestly, what the hell went wrong here? I'm not trying to get her back, but the whole thing makes me wonder if I was ever that important to her. Or if I was a break she needed from Gary. Jyl, please analyze Nadine's and my friendship? Should I even be talking to this girl anymore or let it go? And how can someone get back together with someone who slept with their roommate? Was she using me?

Stupid and Confused

You’re not stupid, you’re just lonely. This girl is no good for you, even as a friend, and you just need to get away from her. Never mind “used." Never mind “Gary.” Just go meet some other people and forget about it. You are hardly the oldest undergrad at UGA, though I am sure you feel like it. And there is no law that says you have to hang around with other undergrads. There are plenty of adults in town and on campus. You are obviously growing up and cleaning up, and you don’t need teenage drama like this in your life.

I love your column and it is often the first thing I read in Flagpole. I almost always agree with your take on the situation, but I have to disagree with your response last week (Apr. 5) to "Precarious." She discovered, after two years, that her boyfriend has a child he fathered in high school. Obviously, he has little or no contact with the child. Rather than excuse him for youthful indiscretions, I would look closely at what this situation tells you about his level of responsibility and commitment. My ex-husband had a cat show up on his doorstep while we were dating. He fed and petted the cat, acting like his owner, but when it got badly injured, his response was, "It's not my cat, he's just a stray that I feed," and refused to take it for medical care. Guess what? Twenty years later, this same scenario continues to play out, this time involving our two kids. People don't change their core values that much. So, decide whether you can deal with him treating you in the same way, and proceed from there. I know I wish I had paid a little more attention to that cat…

Happily Single Mom

Glad to hear from you HSM, but you obviously didn’t read my answer very closely. I wasn’t excusing the guy in question for youthful indiscretion, I was merely pointing out that the child was born when he was very young, and that you can’t assume anything about what happened unless you ask. I had a friend who found out his ex was pregnant six months after they broke up. It was obviously too late at that point for them to even talk about abortion, and they really disliked each other. Her parents were so pissed off at him that they banned him from seeing the kid and moved to another state. Now, did he have rights? Sure. Did he know that, and was he prepared to fight for them at age 17? No. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t think or care about it now.

I totally understand where you are coming from. Good for you that you are a happily single mom. Bad for you that you that your ex sucks and that you didn’t see his assholery coming with the cat situation. But please note that I did advise the girl to think about how she might feel about his child if she stays with him, as well as asking him how he feels and what he thinks about his situation now. Just because she doesn’t know how he feels doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel. I also told her that it might not be good, that she might not want to hear it, and that in the meantime, she should remember her birth control. I hardly equate that with letting the guy off the hook.

Jyl Inov Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.

Jyl Inov

Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via the Reality Check button over there.